Megan's Life Lessons: How to Get an A in Chemistry

We can't figure out if we feel light-headed because we've been laughing so hard at the second installment of jedimastermegan's new series, or because we just built a bleach volcano and lit that sucker up. —Sparkitors

Chemistry is hard because it involves chemicals. Chemicals are microscopic organisms that live inside your cells, and the more you have, the more things you can make explode, just by using your mind. LOLZ just kidding! No, but really. If you want to get all Magneto up in this joint, follow my comprehensive guide for getting an A in Chemistry.

Matter: Chemistry is all about how matter changes when you do crap to it. For example, when you pour hydrofluoric acid on your desk and it melts and the vapors get in your lungs and then you die, you’re practicing CHEMISTRY. Well done!

Matter is composed of Adams. Enough Adams, and you get a Molly Kewl. (I’ve never met Adam or Molly Kewl, but I added them on Facebook. Neither of them accepted though. Losers.)  Anyway, matter is important because it is what everything is made of. Eyeballs are made of matter. George Lucas is made of matter. Pepto-Bismol is made of matter. All of these things are very important. One of these things makes terrible prequels. (Hint:  It’s not Pepto-Bismol.) You can see why matter makes the world go round. (Not literally, though. Some other kind of science makes the world go round. I'm not sure which kind. I barely even know about Chemistry. YOU ASK TOO MUCH OF ME.)

The Periodic Table of Elements…is not important. Basically, you just need to know this: an element is matter in its purest, most untainted, magical form. You can’t turn it into anything simpler. Elements are the building blocks of life. Like Legos. Only, not at all. So, exactly like Legos, only completely different. Understand?

The Periodic Table of Elements is comprised of a bunch of numbers and letters and halogens and rare earth metals and here’s a secret: it’s completely incorrect. I present to you the new and improved Table of Elements:

Congratulations!  Everything good in your life is made out of unicorn poop and joy. I didn’t know where to put Justin Bieber, so he’s in “Everything Else.” I think that’s a pretty good fit.

By the way, I have a question: the Periodic Table of Elements is a Chemistry thing, right? Whatever.

Chemical Reactions: When you mix chemicals and something happens, a chemical reaction occurs. This is a hard concept to grasp. Observe:

This is a chemical reaction:

This is not:

Get it? Good. Now go forth and earn that A.

Can't. Stop. Laughing. If you want even more Megan-y goodness, check out her awesome blog at megansquared.com!

Related post: Megan's Life Lessons: How To Be Significantly More Epic Than You Currently Are