If Celebrities Were Shoes...

A few weeks back, superSparkitors Emily Winter and Chelsea Dagger teamed up with much-adored Slogger Melissa Albert for a long-awaited Committee of Cool. The overall output was hilariously snarfworthy, but if you're too lazy to click out, here's a highlight:

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Chelsea: BOAT SHOES ARE THE RUSSELL CROWE OF FOOTWEAR.

Emily: Humorless and kind of tubby?

Melissa: What's the Joaquin Phoenix of footwear?

Melissa: Brown bags full of broken glass?

Chelsea: And maybe they have some sort of ironic beard drawn onto them?

Melissa: Or they're soaked in misery and rubbing alcohol.

Emily: God, I want to think about this question forever.

Emily: I have it: the Joaquin Phoenix of shoes is socks.

Melissa: Hah! That's good. That's so dismissive. "You: are the socks of shoes." New breakup line!

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We thank you for your brainstorm, Ladies of the Sparkitor/Splogger Think-Tank Consortium on Hollywood Puffiness and General Cobblery, Esq. We second your motions, and add the following:

If James Franco were shoes,  he would be goldfish bowls filled with liquid self-delusion and the tears of poets.

If Mila Kunis were shoes, she would be butterfly wings that give you the power to walk on clouds. And when you walked on the clouds, you would do it really nonchalantly. (These shoes would also be surprisingly good in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.)

If Zach Galifianakis were shoes, he would be a mismatched pair: one filthy Spicoli special that's held together with rumpled duct tape, and a one half of a pair of child's Keds, size 9.

If Bristol Palin were shoes, she would be last year's Uggs with a moose pelt interior.

If Neil Patrick Harris were shoes, he would be charming, antique 1920's Oxfords with really schnazzy spats. They'd be shined to a high gloss using a chamois coated with confidence and ambisexual appeal.

If Daniel Radcliffe were shoes, he would be a reproduced pair of 1920's Oxfords with really defensive, self-important spats.

If Katy Perry were shoes, she would be a single rigid column of glitter bound together by Elmer's Glue and underwear that's too tight in the crotch. A signature lollipop would be stuck to the bottom.

If Kelly Osbourne were shoes, she would be Crocs melted down and recast into molds to look like Jimmy Choos.

If John Mayer were shoes, he would be left-over Kennedy Fried Chicken wrappers secured with twist ties and smarm.

Add your celebrity shoes to the list!