Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 10
Volume of the Second, Chapters 9-12
Lizzy is still on vacation at Charlotte and Mr. Collins' house. For five weeks! Five weeks isn't a vacation; it's a forever. I pretty much forgot everything that happened before Mr. Collins' house, including what his house is called.
All I know is that Darcy goes to the Collins house when Lizzy is home alone. It's like he was lurking outside, waiting for everyone else to go for a walk. Well, it's not like that. He must of done that, or Jane Austen broke rule 29. Anyhow, Darcy and Lizzy chit chat about the Project Runway Season Finale and the conversation peters out when Darcy admits he keeps the TV on after because he likes listening to Austin and Santino bicker while he hand-washes his socks in the cotton gin (that's what cotton gins are for, right?).
Lizzy again tries to inquire about why the heck Chuck Bingley hasn't gotten in touch with Jane, Lizzy's hot sister, in London. Lizzy does this on the sly like a super spy, but Darcy doesn't take the bait and quickly switches the subject back to Jessica Simpson's $12 glitter dress and Mondo's adorable suspenders. Which is fantastic. Seriously! The only thing worse than reading about the slowest flirtation of all time is reading about the people involved in the slowest flirtation of all time talking about two other people who are probably never going to touch each others' butts or even kiss in the back seat of a horse drawn carriage.
As you can tell, I am becoming bothered by all of this 19th Century No Touchies, and if someone doesn't make out soon (not including you, Collins), I'm going to... I don't know what. Throw a spoon. It's going to be epic and excellent and no one will even remember Jane Austen after I do it.
Teen Novel Rule #30: If the story is about multiple relationships, somebody's gotta make out with somebody else before the middle of the book.
There, I said it. But before you JA fanatics rip out my soul and feed it to a bunny, note that I WOULD accept a 19th Century makeout equivalent here. I'm not asking for much—just a lusty hand-touch, a knee-bump bursting with expectations, or 20,000 squirrels leaping out of a volcano when Darcy brushes the small of Lizzy's back. It is page 181, and I am sufficiently tortured already.
The next day, Lizzy's on a walk down her favorite path of all the paths, because she lives here forever, when Darcy appears. As a test, Lizzy tells Hot Pants D that she often walks this route. For the next few days, she runs into him on the path. Is everyone following this? I know it's tricky but stay with me Sparklers... Darcy is running into Lizzy on purpose. He IS! Because of love! And lack of cool new paths to try.
Teen Novel Rule #31: For us to feel good about a couple, they both have to risk embarrassment—to put themselves out there—to be together.
What's interesting about a guy who goes out on a limb to profess his love to a mindless girl who just sits there and says "okay"? A giant chunk of nothing drizzled in invisible sauce, that's what. Here, Darcy is cautiously putting himself in Lizzy's path, literally. Granted, his game is slower than molasses in January, but at least he's doing something. Lizzy, presumably, isn't the biggest fan of Darcy at this point. But when she finally comes around, she'll need to put her rep on the line for love. And then there better be a makeout scene, or I'm never coming out of my room again! ::slams door three times for effect::
The next day, Lizzy doesn't run into Darcy on her walk, but she does run into Colonel Fitzwilliams. I was so caught up in my No Touchies Tantrum that I totally forgot about him. Now I remember that he had the hots for Lizzy when he met her at Rosings. They chat for a while, and he basically tells Lizzy that he's got to find himself a rich girl to marry. Wah wah wahhhhh. I guess this means they can't be together. But Lizzy's okay with this because even though Colonel Fitzwheatballs has more sense than that Mr. Wickham guy from back home, Mr. Wickham is more charming, and Lizzy could never marry a man who doesn't have charm exploding out every pore and orifice.
Colonel Fitzbusybottom also tells Lizzy that Darcy's such a great friend to Bingley because he convinced Bingley not to date some chick who would have made a terrible wife. Lizzy tries to keep her cool, knowing that "some chick" is actually her wonderful sister Jane. Lizzy presses Fitzwilliams for more info, but his box of Frosted Fitzwaffle Flakes is empty. However, he does mention that Darcy kept extending their trip (because of Lizzy, we can deduce!), and that they'd finally be heading off in a few days.
Teen Novel Rule #32: This should go without saying, but every character should have a purpose.
It just occurred to me that I should include this when I realized Fitzpoutypants' purpose is to unknowingly give Lizzy details of the Jane/Bingley saga.
The idea that Darcy was behind the big Bingley/Jane breakup makes Lizzy physically ill, and she opts out of tea at Rosings that evening. Lizzy's home alone, in her cutest jamz, when there's a knock at the door. Le gasp, it's Darcy! Le double gasp: DARCY TELLS LIZZY HE'S MADLY IN LOVE WITH HER.
Darcy the Turtle Boy has just sprinted to the finish line. He put his heart in the middle of a parking lot, waiting to see what Lizzy would do. She drives over it. Lizzy explains to Darzaster that she has reasons upon reasons to hate him: ruining a romance for her sister, being rude all the time, and stealing Mr. Wickham's money. Darcy stays composed, says that the rejection is of little importance to him (oh pa-sha!), and explains to Lizzy that her family is desperate and pathetic, that they're icky social climbers, and that he loves her, but knows he should be with a better woman. And that every time he farts, a fairy princess is born.
Ladies, get to know this type of guy because TRUST A POOR, OLD MAMA: your high school and college is crawling with them. They like you, but make it seem like they're doing you a tremendous favor by letting you be their girl. They'll buy you flowers one day, and the next you're begging them not to dump you for their supermodel best friend who you've never met because she's invisible and also doesn't exist. JUSTIN.
Erm. As you can imagine, Darcy leaves in a huff because Lizzy rejected him, and Lizzy spends the night bawling her brains out. The next day, Darcy gives her a letter, and chapter 12 is that letter. In the classified document, Darcy admits that he and Caroline conspired to break up Bingley and Jane by making sure Bingley didn't know Jane was in London. He justifies this by saying that Jane didn't seem as into Bingley as Bingley seemed into Jane, and that everyone in Lizzy's family except Jane and Lizzy are social climbers.
Darcy also explains that Mr. Wickham is actually pure evil. Darcy was supposed to use his dad's money to pay for Wickham's clergy school or whatever, but Wickham dropped out and Darcy gave him a flat 3,000 pounds. Then Wickham tried to be a lawyer but he was too lazy, so he decided to go back to clergy school. This time, knowing that Wickham wasn't serious, Darcy refused to pay. ALSO, even WORSE I think, is that when Wickham was 25, he tried to elope with Darcy's sister GeorgiAna, who was only 15, so that he could get her portion of family money. SICK! If Darcy is A Bad Man, Wickham is A Terrible Man, and now it seems like no one will ever make out with anyone, ever again.
I'm going to pound my head against my bedroom door until I hear kissing noises.
Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 24; Losses, 7; Undecideds, 1
To see the in-depth analysis of Jane Austen's rule-breaking and stuff, click here.
How can you people love Darcy??!?! HOW?!??!? (Seriously, how?)
As of the beginning of Chapter 9, Jane Austen had used the word agreeable 42 times, according to Real Alias, who's keeping track in the comments.