Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 20
Chapter 20: New
Better Title: Baby? What Baby?
Bella is a fantastic mother, one who puts her child's safety ahead of all else, even if it means self-sacrifice and hardship. (Sarcasm Hand.) Bella is a horrible mother, one who would much rather make out with boys and touch her pretty hair than so much as even ask about her child's well-being. (Sincerity Foot.)
After waking up a vampire, Bella spends most of the chapter describing her own beauty and newfound super senses. Her child is the subject of only about five sentences in the entire chapter, and these sentences make Optimus Beyonce sound like a new iPod instead of a living, breathing baby. Surely becoming a vampire is a life-changing event, and I understand that it's safer for blood-hungry Bella to be away from her baby, but it takes Bella five pages to even think about her daughter, and once she's told that Rosalie is looking after the baby, Bella goes right back to her I'm-So-Pretty routine.
Yep, Bella is perfect now. She's so perfect that all the constellations in the night's sky have been renamed Bella, except for the ugly ones.
Her super powered eyes notice all the tiny details of the world and she even sees a new color, which I will name Infra-Brown. She spends a lot of time talking about the beauty of dust motes. I counted 287 instances of the word "motes" in this chapter. If the girl is going gaga for dust, she's going to pee herself when she watches Toy Story 3 on Blu-Ray. And she's so perfect now that her pee is a 100% efficient alternative fuel source, and smells like vanilla.
You might be wondering why Bella isn't a raving monstrous lunatic starving for blood and willing to kill everyone in her path just to get a tiny drop of the "red." But you must remember that this is Bella, not a regular person. When Bella becomes a vampire, she doesn't become a crazy demon, but instead becomes a classy beauty queen.
If Bella got rabies, she wouldn't foam at the mouth, but would shoot rainbows from her nostrils. If she was stricken with a hideous toe fungus, it wouldn't make her toenail look like zombie flesh, but instead her toe would encase itself in a cocoon of the finest silk. And if Bella drank a lot of soda, she wouldn't succumb to burps, but instead her gastrointestinal system would recite a wondrous melody that sounded like a Beatles song mixed with Beethoven. Bella isn't a typical girl. She's the most fabulous woman in all the lands, and nothing bad shall ever befall her.
I hate Bella.
At least Emmett is there in the room too. Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, the book is winding down, with only 3,499 pages left to go. When it's all over, what will you do? Can I write a story about you? Can that story be called Mega Guys? And can that story be about you and your sidekick Lan Lergstein, who solve cosmic crimes while riding sasquatches? And can your catchphrase in the story be, "All aboard the Pain Train! Woo-Woo!"? And can Lan Lergstein's catchphrase in the story be, "Mac-N-Cheese!"? And can I draw it? And will you sign my cast if I break a bone?
Emmett and Jasper are there to keep a sense of order should Bella freak out and go on a murderous rampage. She has newborn vampire super strength, and is stronger than Edward to the point that he must remind her to loosen her grip during a rather passionate hug. But the extra precaution isn't needed since Bella is 160% perfect in every possible way. Instead of boogers, she has tiny diamonds in her nose, and when she sneezes, butterflies fly out of her mouth—butterflies made of satin and lace. She also vomits pure sunshine and when she passes gas, an underprivileged kid gets a new toy.
No one is sure how Bella will react to being a vampire. Carlisle thinks she will have an easier time of it because she was mentally prepared. He asks Bella about her transformation, but she's reluctant to tell him what a horrible, painful experience it was because she doesn’t want Edward to feel bad. So she tells him it went swimmingly.
Bella is so perfect now that when she hiccups, delicious cake icing squirts out of her bellybutton like Play-Doh.
She's been unconscious for about two days, and during that time Esme has been running interference with Charlie. Good ol' Charlie is still under the impression that Bella was stricken with a mysterious illness in South America and has been transported to the Center for Disease Control for further observation. It's a great cover story, except how will they explain the baby?
CHARLIE: Is Bella OK? Did the mystery sickness kill her?
ESME: No. She's fine. In fact, she had a baby.
ESME: One of the side effects of Brazil Flu is that it makes you spontaneously pregnant.
CHARLIE: But how can the baby grow so fast? It's only been a month!
ESME: The disease works retroactively.
ESME: Once the disease entered her body, it traveled back through time because it moves at twice the speed of light, and it took Bella's uterus with it.
CHARLIE: That makes sense. I will not inquire further regarding my only child's health and well-being because I trust you, a woman whom I've only met once or twice.
ESME: I'm glad.
QUIL: My girlfriend calls Thanksgiving "Turkey Day."
JACOB: My girlfriend is entertained by keys.
With the world's best cover story in place, Bella doesn't care about her dad, and doesn’t even mention her mom. So she has no regard for her parents, and all but forgets that she has a child. Yep, Bella Swan-Cullen is one terrific person worthy of a trophy and a cash prize for being all-around great.
Bella is so perfect that instead of earwax, she has ear kittens.
Edward says they need to take Bella on her first hunting trip. She's not thrilled with the idea, and is worried that she won't know what to do, but Edward says her instincts will take over. Don't worry, Bella. You're perfect. You're so perfect that you never need to brush your teeth. In fact, your teeth will brush you!
She admits that her throat is a bit dry and she's slightly thirsty, but she's not a crazed beast. So all that crap in the last book about the newborn vampire army is complete bull poop? I'm glad I didn't spend five months reading it. At least Bella is perfect. We can all be happy about that. (Sarcasm Fist.)
Bella is so perfect that she must wear a burlap sack over her head, because if she walked outside with her face uncovered, all matter in the galaxy would be attracted to her beauty, thus causing a black hole. A beautiful, perfect black hole…made of satin.
They make a few excuses for Bella's classy behavior. It might have something to with Bella's ability to control her emotions, or more likely her ability to be perfect whenever the story calls for it.
I wanted to see Monster Bella. I was looking forward to the chapter in which she tried to eat Mike Newton or kill the long-forgotten Angela. Instead we get Sophisticated Bella. A Princess Bella so perfect that she is dressed in the morning by singing blue birds, and disrobed at night by baby pterodactyls.
Before going on the hunt, Stupid Alice wants Bella to look at herself in the mirror. And for the next 287 pages, we're treated to every adjective for "pretty" in the human language as Bella describes herself in endless detail. This scene is hard to get through without smacking my own face, so instead I let my mind wander. I bet yogurt-covered pretzels would sell better if they were called pretzel-injected yogurt. Anyway, where was I?
Her skin is perfect. Her arms are perfect. Her hair is perfect. The only thing wrong is her eye color, which is a fiery red. Poor Bella doesn't like her red eyes, and so Edward rips them out of her sockets and shoves new, better eyes into her head. Kidding, but you know the thought crossed his mind. He hates Sad Bella. I hate All-The-Time Bella.
Edward explains that her eyes will become golden after a few months. That's not soon enough for Princess Bella, but she's willing to deal with unusual eye color for two months in exchange for immortality, pure love, super powers, all the money in the world, and new fancy clothes. She's so very brave.
If becoming a vampire is such a wonderful thing, then Carlisle is an ass for not doing it more often. I've mentioned this countless times before, but why not turn everyone into a vampire? Why can't I have immortality and great looks? Does Carlisle hate me because I don't have a gallbladder? I can't help that, Carlisle! My gallbladder was heavily diseased! You're such an ass!
Speaking of medical conditions, wouldn't Bella still have a big belly from the pregnancy? And if her appearance was frozen in time when she became a vampire, wouldn't she always have this stretched-out belly? Oh, I forget. Bella is perfect. She's so perfect that if you whisper her name three times, a baby deer is born.
As the perfect vampires continue to talk and glimmer and be wonderful, Bella can hear or sense that Jacob is still in the house and wonders what's up with that. No one has the guts to say, "He's dating your baby," and Bella assumed Jacob is still there because of magic and friendship.
By the way, Bella is so perfect that she has somehow already won the gold medal in Men's Snowboarding for the 2014 Winter Olympics. She's also the new Czar of Portugal and has found, like, fifteen leprechauns. And her fingers taste like white Life Saver candies.
They're finally about to leave and kill animals, when Bella remarks once again on her beauty. Edward looks sad. At first Bella thinks Edward isn't satisfied with her new beauty, because that would make a lot of sense. Instead, Edward says he's miffed because he still can't read Bella's mind. Then the two lovebirds joke and laugh and have grand fun, while their daughter is downstairs dating a seventeen-year-old man.
Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 48)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 30)
Motes: A billion (Book total: A billion)
Bella continues to forget about her baby.
BELLA: Look at all the dust! It's so beautiful.
EDWARD: That's great, lamb. Did you feed Renesmee?
EDWARD: Our baby. Did you feed her?
BELLA: The dust is so…dusty. Had I tears, I would shed them in honor of the dust's natural beauty.
EDWARD: Our baby needs food to live.
BELLA: I want to marry the dust, and have dust babies!
EDWARD: You already have a baby. Our baby. Remember?
BELLA: Oh. That baby is OK, but dust is better because dust can float like spirits on the wind. Our baby can't float like spirits on the wind. Our baby can't float at all.
EDWARD: I'll feed her. But you need to help out.
BELLA: Edward! Corn on the cob looks like golden pebbles on a unicorn's horn!!!! I want to rub corn all over my face! Corn is so majestic!
EDWARD: Bella, Renesmee is crying. Did you change her diaper?
BELLA: What diaper? Who are you? Oh my god! Have you ever noticed that marvelous "Wrrrrr" sound the refrigerator makes? 'Tis like angels singing on Christmas morn'!
EDWARD: Why did you give our baby a pair of scissors?
BELLA: Huh? I don't know. She looked like she wanted to cut something. Whatever. I don’t have time for this. I need to look at this beautiful doorknob! It's so beautiful and knobby!
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks numbers stop at 10.
We just laughed so hard we feel kind of sick. Are we brave enough to visit the archives and laugh until we puke? Probably!!