Megan's Life Lessons: How To Be Significantly More Epic Than You Currently Are
We're THRILLED that hilarious Sparkler jedimastermegan (creator of the blog Megansquared) is writing a brand new series just for us—so thrilled, in fact, that our faces just exploded. It was gross, but TOTALLY WORTH IT. —Sparkitors
Life can sometimes be downright mundane and unimpressive. It’s totally a bummer when your friends all win the lottery and adopt dragons and receive mysterious boxes in the mail full of holographic charizard cards, and meanwhile you’re doing biology homework and desperately googling "charizard." Don’t worry. With my help, you'll learn how to transform even the most mind-numbingly boring activity into a masterpiece of victorious celebration, full of joy and vivacity and laser guns and meaning and…like…love, or whatever. We’re going on a journey of discovery, folks. The destination? Your inner soul. (Did you just get chills? I did.) Prepare to unlock the epic-ness within.
Let’s start with some scenarios.
Not epic: Hello. My name is Jeffery.
Better: Hello. My name is Gladiator.
Best: Right now you think I'm shaking your hand, but I'm really melting your brain through sheer force of will.
Not epic: Ouch! I stubbed my toe.
Better: Curse thee, uneven pavement!
Best: Ha! Ha ha! Taste my foot-fury, sidewalk! Taste it and be vanquished!
Not epic: Today I walked to school.
Better: Today I transported myself to a learning establishment in a matter of ten minutes using only my legs and a backpack.
Best: Today I rode a flying unicorn to school and proceeded to hand out cake to everyone and that’s why I’m qualified to run for president and also I had a vision of the future and I’m going to win and also grammar bends to my will OBSERVE THE EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZAION MUAHAHAHAHA!
And now, The Rules of Being Epic:
1. All compliments paid to you must be of epic proportions. If someone calls you pretty, slap them across their unappreciative face and declare, “HOW DARE YOU!”
2. Invert your phrases. For example, “I know not” is about 829,347 times more epic than “I don’t know.” Also, “Away, GO!” is better than “go away.” “Up thee shut!” is my personal favorite.
3. Speaking of which, say “thee” “thou” and “thy.” Why? Because Shakespeare was a BOSS.
4. Demand presents whenever you feel like it, because you feel like it.
5. Whenever you attend a costume party, dress like a ninja. No one will actually see you, per se, but they will know you are there when guests start falling prey to tragic murders.
6. A symphony must follow you everywhere you go, playing danger music, sad-time music, happy happy yay time music, and adventure music.
7. Wield a sword. Don’t “have” a sword. Wield one.
8. Learn how to move in slow motion while slaying orcs/stormtroopers/cursed pirates/zombies/basically any nefarious villain.
9. Disregard all of these rules and make your own, yo.
Lastly, it’s quite simple to transform regular, boring things into awesome, incredible things. Observe:
Bottle of lotion=clever prank.
Paperclip=Magical flaming paperclip of glory. (Significantly less easy to make.)
Bacon=HAHA LOLZ JK HAHAHA. That was a trick. You can’t make bacon any better. It has already surpassed the limits of epicness.
Did you LOVE this post? Of course you did. If you can't get enough of Megan's awesomeness, tune in next week for the next installment in her series, and check out her AMAZING blog, Megansquared.