How To Be The Baddest Villain Ever

IWontGrowUp knows that bad means good, especially when you're a criminal mastermind.—Sparkitors

Want to be feared, reviled, and just generally disliked? Probably not, but I don't care. Pretend you're gunning for the title of "Baddest Villain Ever," put on your grimiest crime-doing face, and let's get down to some baaaad business.

List of Villain DOs:
- Grow freakishly long nails. It's all the rage—just look at Saruman or Lord Voldemort. No one is terrified of short-nailed or well-manicured hands. As an alternative, you could go the extra mile and simply rip all your nails off; it would definitely add an interesting dimension to your evilness. I don’t recommend this, though. It makes peeling stickers off stuff extra difficult.

-Get a stress ball, preferably one made to look like a miniature version of your enemy's head.

- Think outside the box, and wear something other than black robes. The standard "black cape" get-up makes you waaay too easily identifiable as the villain. Mix it up and try a Hawaiian shirt and shorts, or maybe just a nice V-neck sweater. (Cashmere blends are lovely!)

- Buy or construct a 4-foot-thick steel-plated magical fingerprint-locked vault to keep your Special Object Of Limitless Power safe from any "heroes" who want to destroy it.

-Hire a writer to come up with one-liners to use against your enemy.

- Learn how to cackle properly. It is not a giggle, nor a flat “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!” but a well-rounded “Muahahahahahaha!” that begins in the menacing lower register and gradually escalates into a high-pitched shriek of joy and/or triumph. This method has been developed over the years by several expert villains (read: I mostly made it up).

List of Villain DONT'S:
- Have a girlfriend. She will 1) betray you, or 2) do something incredibly stupid. Or, even worse, she might give you a hug. In public. Can you imagine the damage that would cause your carefully-developed reputation?

- Hit on the hero’s love interest. It won't end well. She'll just find you repulsive, no matter how many creepy, evil gifts you give her.

- Have incredibly stupid henchmen. It’s amazing how many wannabe villains fall into this trap. Do NOT look for possible henchmen at McDonalds. Go to NASA, and get some smart guys in spacesuits.

- Keep illustrated diagrams of your Evil Plan for the Hero to find. If you must write your brilliant brainstorms down somewhere, keep them with you ALL THE TIME. And keep them padlocked. In a bomb box. With a key. A magical key that will turn to dust if someone other than you touches it. And if you take a nap, don’t try to protect it by sleeping with it; that’s just stupid. Lock it up in your aforementioned vault.

- Give a speech when you finally capture the hero. Don’t give him a chance to get free. Don’t brag about your baaaadness. Kill him, already.

- Kill just the parents. Leaving an orphan alive is a huge mistake! He or she will seek revenge one day, and then you'll end up without a nose and with only an ill-advised Hawaiian shirt to comfort you.

If only Voldie had listened....

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