Blogging Wuthering Heights: Part 17

Coffinmaker's first post on the new and improved SparkLife. Hooray! —Sparkitors

Action-packed chapter, my friends! I mean, you know we've all been waiting for Heathcliff to leap into a vat of acid while wrangling with—well, better not give out too much at the beginning.

And you know who else makes an appearance? You will. You won't be able to miss it.

So first, Isn'tabella shows up at Thrushcross Grange and before Nelly can say a word, she rips her wedding ring off her finger and smashes it with a hot poker. SMASH! DING!

Nelly asks what the dirty word has happened, and Isabella precedes to tell her. FLASH!

See, that day, Hindley wanted to go to Cathy's funeral and thus tried to stay sober, so he wouldn't, you know, fall into the casket or something. (BAM!) The withdrawal proved too much for him, though, and he just gave up, sitting down by the fire with some hard liquor. GULP!

Isabelly talks about how she's not only come to hate Heathcliff, but Hareton and Joseph, who's like a sour, mean father to Hareton. Basically she hates everyone and everything at Wuthering Heights, except for the tasteful cuckoo clock in the hall. ZING!

When Heathcliff returns and starts banging at the door, Hindley Earnshaw suddenly comes out of his stupor and leaps into action. BWAWAAAAAA!

He tells Izzy that they should work together to kill Heathcliff. Like, now. Izzy says she can't have Heathcliff's blood on her hands, even if she does hate him. Hindley tells her she doesn't have to get his blood on her hands. All she has to do is wait. (Which is kind of lame; I mean, why did he ask her to help him kill Heathcliff if all he wanted her to do was wait around and do nothing? Give her the keys to your getaway car, Hindley! Surely you have The Knife-Gun-Mobile. That's right, that half-knife-half-gun-half-flying-car thing you have.) Hindley pulls out his knife-gun (CHING!), Izzy warns Heathcliff through the window (BADAMAM!), and a fight ensues.

SCHWING!

Heathcliff reaches through the window (KER-SMASH!) and grabs the knife-gun, twisting it around so it slices up Hindley's wrist. (SHANK!) Hindley rips the gun out of Heath Crunch's hand and does the unspeakable.

He fires it. No sound effect is powerful enough for the knife-gun.

And then...

Wait, what? Oh my God! Freakin' purple dancing Oompa Loompas!

THE KNIFE-GUN EXPLODES.

I can't believe it. It's gone. It's vaporized. I did a search and the word doesn't even appear in the rest of the book. It's ceased to exist.

How could this have happened? Was the knife-gun just too awesome to be fired in this dimension without blowing up? The knife-gun anchored this book. It drove it. It changed it from a gothic romance novel to a gothic romance novel with a knife-gun, which is something no other element can do.

RIP Knife-Gun

You were too amazing for our galaxy

May you find your peace and happiness in another

On a planet where

Awesomesauce falls from the sky

Like rain

*sigh*...Anyway, some other things happen, but they have nothing to do with the knife-gun. Nothing will anymore. Izzy sorta kinda goes to Thrushcross Grange to get away from Heathcliff while he's preoccupied with Hindley. (Whizz. *Sigh.*) Heathcliff sort of kills Hindley in self-defense (Garngh.) Izzy leaves Gimmerton forever and has a kid in some other part of the country. (Waaa.) She names it Linton, just to make Heathcliff mad, and some other things happen. Oh, Heathcliff now owns Wuthering Heights, since Hindley gambled himself into Heathcliff's debt or something like that. Oh no, says Nelly, Heathcliff will come for us next.

*Sigh.*

So yeah.

Smeyer's thoughts after reading this chapter: What's the point? They obviously don't have anything to do with knife-guns, or the woman would have a sixth book in her series called "Edward Grows a Nose That Is Really A Gun Barrel." *Sigh.* Or something.

My thoughts after reading this chapter: My thoughts are just focused—OH GOD, COME BACK TO ME, KNIFE-GUN! (WEEP.)

Do you care about any characters in this book, aside from the knife-gun?

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