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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 19

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 19

Chapter Nineteen: Burning
Better Title: I Wonder What's On TV

Because Jacob is now a pervert and presumably took Optimus Beyonce on a date to Babies R Us to buy her a new bib that reads "Puppy Love," the book shifts focus and we once again are treated to Bella's narration for this last section of the book.

Since we now move into the last "book" of this book, there are more blank spaces for me to illustrate. And since October is coming to an end, what better time to draw Octo-Bear, the bear that is an octopus!

I also took a stab at drawing a Novem-Bear. I don't know what a Novem is, but I assumed it meant "balloon salesman." And the Novem-Bear has tentacles because it should.

Before the chapter begins, there is another preface that shows Bella in mortal danger. Like the other prefaces in this series, this one takes place in the near future. And I'm assuming that like the other prefaces in the series, this one will not nearly be as action-packed as it seems.

Bella says, "The line of black advanced on us." In the last chapter, Stephenie Meyer used the word "red" instead of "blood" for dramatic effect. Her use of "black" probably means a pile of chocolate pudding is advancing, or perhaps evil coffee.

Of course it doesn’t. Bella is talking about the Volturi, who are coming after her for some reason. I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his mighty battle cry, "I can see relationships!!!"

I'm not getting my hopes up for a big battle. It would be nice. But you know what else would have been nice? Jacob not being a pedophile. So I'm setting my expectations for the remainder of this book to an all-time low. If there are jetpacks, that'd be great. At this point, I'll feel lucky if no one else dates babies. Should the book end with everyone sitting around drinking lemonade, I'd consider that a win.

The preface ends with Bella hungry for a fight—a fight I'm sure will be fought using feathers and giggles.

The chapter finally begins. But don't get excited. Much of this chapter is simply the last chapter told from Bella's point of view. I never liked how Stephenie Meyer wrote Jacob's narration. (Loam? Really?) But I'd take more Jacob mind-thoughts over Bella's awful, awful, awful words any day. I forgot how pretentious and overwritten her sections are. Here's an example:

"I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches."

Huh?

Anyway, most of the chapter is Bella telling us how much pain she's in. First she's about to die because delivering Optimus Beyonce nearly killed her. And then she goes on and on about how hot and awful the vampire venom feels as it takes hold of her body.

She's in agony and there's nothing she can do about it. Good! I hope it hurts.

This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get for ruining Jacob's life and ignoring your human friends because you'd rather spend time with pretty people. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their family. This is what you get for being weak and dependent. This is what you get for lying to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life. This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS WHAT YOU GET!

I only wish the pain lasted longer than a chapter. An entire book of Bella's torture would be nice. And maybe if the book were illustrated…with Octo-Bears…I would finally sympathize with this, the least likable character in the history of novels.

Bella, I do not care one tiny bit that you're in pain.

She tries to explain the agony, comparing it to fire and acid, but if it hurts that badly, how can she narrate the experience using her same goofy Bella-words? If I were burning from the inside out, I don't think I would stop to think, "And, for a never-ending space, that was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to come. Nothing else, not even time. So that made it infinite, with no beginning and no end. One infinite moment of pain."

Had I been Bella, this chapter would have been much shorter and written thusly:

"Agh! What the hell! Ah! I deserve this! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! &*$#! Argggh! And then Edward touched me and he was pretty. The End."

For some reason, Bella doesn't want to scream. I guess she doesn't want Edward and the others to know how much pain she's in. But don't for a minute think this makes her a strong character. If anything, it makes her weaker, because she's so afraid of upsetting Edward that she's willing to suffer horrible pain without making a peep.

A strong character would remain silent during an interrogation, when speaking or screaming would give the enemy the upper hand. Keeping quiet because you don't want your boyfriend to feel sad isn't a sign of strength. It's pathetic.

With Bella busy becoming a vampire, the other Cullens check on her and talk amongst themselves. They mention morphine, and how it may alter the pain. Someone says something about a heartbeat. They discuss the relationship between Jacob and Optimus, and they don't know which side Bella will take.

So there's a chance that the Cullens might actually step in and say, "Whoa! We don't care about people being killed in Italy, but baby-dating ain't cool, bro." But I doubt it. Instead, I bet they will find the love between Jacob and Optimus to be pure and wonderful and everyone will dance amongst the stars on clouds made of romance and hugs.

I'm sure even Bella will be happy that her newborn daughter found a boyfriend, because something tells me Bella is going to be a terrific mom.

OPTIMUS: Mom, I broke my arm.
BELLA: Don't cry, my love. Crying will make Jacob sad. You should never make a boy feel sad.
OPTIMUS: But it hurts. The bone is sticking out.
BELLA: A sad boyfriend will dump you. You must remain silent. Never show your true feelings.
OPTIMUS: My kindergarten teacher says it's odd that I have a boyfriend. The police asked me all sorts of questions. I think Jacob's in trouble.
BELLA: But your love is 100% love. You cannot argue against 100% love. Once the courts realize that, I'm sure they will let Jacob go free.
OTPIMUS: Yay!
BELLA: Now come here and let me tell you all about the time I let thousands of people die because me and your dad are lazy.

Alice also stops in to check on Bella. Guess what? Her powers have returned and she can now see Bella's future. Guess what? Bella is going to survive! Guess what? Bella's going to be super-pretty! Guess what? I hate Alice.

Did Bella decide to survive? Did she decide to be pretty? I decided to be pretty too, but that didn't make it happen. (Wearing a monkey shirt certainly helped, though.)

Happy Alice then giggles and smirks and pisses me off. She can't see Optimus Beyonce's future clearly, because the child is a vampire/human hybrid who loves werewolves, so obviously Alice can't see its future. Duh! But since the baby is out of Bella's belly, Alice can once again predict Bella's future in the same illogical way she always had.

Bella, still in tremendous amounts of pain, can hear the Cullens talk downstairs thanks to her new super-human ears. She hears the baseball game and Rose and Emmett arguing over something.

Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm having a board game night, and I picked you to be on my Pictionary team. We're not allowed to use or write words, but I'm getting a few key phrases tattooed on my arm so I can slyly point to them during the game. So far, I have the words: truck, castle, trampoline, Norway, head over heels, swimming pool, duck, goose, water fowl, and Hemingway. I also have a giant back-tattoo of the band No Doubt sitting on a see-saw with the Dixie Chicks. Could come in handy.

By the way, Emmett, it's OK if you want to kill Jacob. He's gross. Thanks!

And then Bella complains again and again about the fire in her body. Carlisle sees some improvement, but Bella is still in agony. Her heart begins to beat faster and faster and faster…until it stops beating. And then I guess Bella is a vampire. Whoopty-doo.

Murmurs: 0 (Book total: 43)
Mutters: 0 (Book total: 30)

Prediction:

The Volturi show up. All hell breaks loose.

ARO: Give us the child.
EDWARD: Never!
ARO: Do it, or else you will die!
JACOB: You can't take my love away from me!
ARO: Um…and who are you?
JACOB: I'm Jacob, the shoeless werewolf!

[Marcus leans over to Aro and whispers something and points to Jacob]

ARO: Ewwww! Really? Ewww! That's, like, insane!
JACOB: I love her.
ARO: This is perverted freak fan-fiction. We should kill you on general principle. You love a baby? A baby? Really?
JACOB: It's not like that. I will love her like a daughter until she is mature enough to mouth kiss me—
ARO: Enough! Marcus, kill this baby-dater.

[Marcus leans over to Aro and whispers something else]

ARO: I don’t really care if Hilary Duff thinks that guy on Glee is hot. I don’t even watch Glee!
MARCUS: You should. It's corny, but in the best possible way. It's a lot like—
ARO: Silence! Kill the shoeless one. And the other Volturi, whose names I forget, go kill the Cullens!
QUIL: My girlfriend and I had a fight. She wanted Legos. I think Legos are too sharp, and so I got her Duplo Blocks. She's not happy.
JACOB: My girlfriend just discovered her toes.

Discover Dan's toes posts here!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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