Auntie SparkNotes: Someone Has Dumped You On Facebook

Dumped on FB?? DISLIKE. —Sparkitors

Dearest Auntie,

Recently, my boyfriend broke up with me...over Facebook. It was terrible and probably the worst way I've ever been dumped. And I've had a lot of cheap boyfriends. His friends have all laughed about it and some of them are so rude, they're requesting me on Facebook. Despite all the pigheadedness, I haven't really been that upset about it. Part of me is actually kind of glad to get rid of him and also because a lot of my friends have been supporting me. (Burning the homecoming corsage didn't hurt either;) But on the other hand, part of me misses him and gets jealous when those -- how can I put this appropriately-- well, male offsprings of female dogs and gardening tools write all over his profile. I know I can do better and that moving on is the best move, but some of my friends talked to me about it and part of me now wants me to stick around in case that slime ball of a ex comes crawling back. I've got these two sides to me and both of them are equally convincing. Oh, Auntie!! You give the best advice. What do I do? I don't want to be a Cathy and Heathcliff, that's for sure.

Ah, technology. Isn't technology great? Just think of what it's given us—wonderful things like Wiis, and iPods, and intelligent toaster ovens that double as humidifiers and know all the words to "Louie, Louie"!

It's just too bad that, in addition to all that, it's also given us a whole host of totally rude and insensitive tools for breaking another person's heart.

Which is to say: I'm sorry, Sparkler, that this happened to you. As far as hurtful and insulting ways for a relationship to end, "dumped on Facebook" is right at the top of the list. (Although it'll never beat "dumped by singing telegram." Nothing will ever be worse than a breakup delivered by a trilling, tap-dancing showperson in a stupidly stupid hat.) And when it comes to post-breakup heartache, those fantasies about your evil, dung-eating ex coming back to beg for another chance are par for the course—as are the subsequent fantasies in which you respond by kicking him in the teeth, setting his underpants on fire, and informing him that if he ever speaks to you again, your new boyfriend Ryan Gosling will be more than happy to kick his ass.

BUT. While the fantasy of revenge is a whole lot of fun, that entire scenario is best left in the realm of the not-real—because in order for it to happen, your only choice is to spend an unspecified amount of time waiting around for someone who you know is a first-class wienerbag. The fact is, a guy (or girl) who dumps you over Facebook—and then encourages his (or her) friends to taunt you in the aftermath—is never going to treat you with the love or respect that a healthy relationship requires.

Because a person who does that, does not care about you.

Which means that even if he does crawl back seeking forgiveness (and really, this almost never happens), you won't be able to relish your "victory"; you'll be too busy feeling like an idiot for delaying your own healing process, or worse, too un-healed to realize that dating him again is a terrible idea.

So basically, no. No, no, no. And also, NOOOOOOOOOOOO. In a situation like this, the only good choice is to move on. Surround yourself with friends, do the things you love, and de-friend the Wienerbag Ex so that you won't have to see even one more of his moronic status updates. The greatest the distance between you and this relationship, the better you'll feel—and in the meantime, it'll give you some much-needed perspective in the unlikely event that he does come back.

At which point you should be happy, healthy, and confident enough to decide what's best for you.

And also, hopefully, dating Ryan Gosling.

Oh, and here's a special request! Our letter-writer wants to know: what's the worst way you've ever been dumped? Share it in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.