Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 9

Volume of the Second Chapters 5-8

Well, Mr. Collins is a butt.

Lizzy doesn't know how her buddy Charlotte can handle being married to him. I don't know how Charlotte can handle being married to him WHILE being a werewolf AND having to resist the temptation to eat Evie.

Oh. Oh crud. This is why humans should never read two books at the same time. Let me tell ya, Kiersten White's teen novel Paranormalcy is nothing like Pride & Prejudice, but there's a werewolf named Charlotte, and that's more than enough to confuse me.

Okay, Mr. Collins is as obnoxious as ever when Lizzy arrives for her visit with Char, the human. When the old high society lady who lives next door, Lady Catherine, invites the Collins crew over for dinner, Mr. Collins smiles like the Cheshire Cat and then bursts into flames, because no human body can sustain this level of butt trumpetry.

Actually though, he's still alive, patting himself on the back 30,ooo times for being cool enough to get invited to at Rosings. He tells Lizzy not to worry that she doesn't have anything fancy to wear—Lady Catherine will understand that a fur-trimmed bustier is simply not in her family's budget.

"Uh, I didn't know my dresses were pathetic and tacky, but thanks for making me 'feel better,' you awful lump of atoms. I mean, Mr. Collins," Lizzy responds, using these exact words.

Dinner at Lady Catherine's is...goofy. It's easy to see why Mr. Collins hearts Lady C. so much—he loves pandering to high status phonies, and she's a high status phony who loves to be pandered to. It's a match made in disfunctional rich people heaven, like a Louis Vuitton purse full of undercooked foie gras.

Lady Catherine is beside herself when she finds out Lizzy didn't have a "governess" as a child, which, as best I can tell, is like a private tutor lady who lives with you and raises you and makes you marriageable. Basically, the big C finds every opportunity to put down Lizzy, her family, and her upbringing. But this doesn't bother Lizzy. She sees right through C's facade to the withered old vampire she really is.

Shoot! Neverminnnnd. Lady Catherine's NOT an expert in the art blood suckery. Not yet, at least.

Teen Novel Rule #28: Don't make your teen novel into a paranormal teen novel halfway through the book.

What?! I'm light on rules this week!

Back at Mr. Collins place, things are kind of boring, and Lizzy and Charlotte spend their time hanging out in the worst room of the house so Mr. Collins doesn't join them. They never discuss this, but it's an unspoken sign that their friendship is still on.

THEN GUESS WHAT.

Darcy comes to stay at Rosings. He's with his cousin, Colonel Fitzwilliams. I hope Colonel Fitzwilliams inherits a cereal company. Colonel Fitzwilliams' Os! Colonel Fitzwilliams' Fruity Crunch Berries! Colonel Fitzwilliams' Lightly Toasted Wheat Balls!

Wait, so why are Mr. Darcy and Mr. Wheat Balls at Rosings?! Isn't that tooooooooo much of a coincidence? I mean come o—ohhhhhhh, smackdrizzle. I forgot that Mr. Collins introduced himself to Darcy in the beginning of the book! Collins said that the was neighbors with Lady Catherine, and he'd heard that Darcy was her nephew! Now this coincidence is much less bothersome.

Teen Novel Rule #29: Plant seeds early, so stuff doesn't look contrived later.

This is why I'll never understand authors who don't outline their work. How do they do it? How do they plant seeds if they don't even know which stories they want to grow? And what do they think of Colonel Fitzwilliams' Good Time Corn Flakes as a cereal name? So many questions.

Alas, questions are annoying. Let's talk about facts!

FACT: The Collins crew goes back to dine at Rosings.

FACT: Fitzwilly is about 30, not cute, but well-mannered. He talks to Lizzy nonstop, and totally wants to be in the backseat of his at carriage with her. Shmex.

FACT: The attention Lizzy gets detracts from the attention Catherine should be getting, and makes Lady C annoyed. DOUBLE SHMEX. Take that, Lady Catherine!

It's so bedtime for that beast, yo.

Then something strange happens: Darcy acts surprised when he finds out Lizzy's sister Jane has been in London for three months. Since Darcy's besties with Mr. Bingley, I'm starting to think that Caroline Bingley NEVER TOLD HER BROTHER that Jane was in town. That would be why he hasn't come to see her!

Oh Jane Austen, what you do to me.

After dinner, Lizzy plays the piano and tells Fitzwilly, in the presence of Darcy, that Darcy was rude at the ball she met him at. He refused to dance with girls, even when so many needed a partner. Basically, Lizzy's flirting with Darcy through Fitzwilliams, Cereal King. Does Darcy take the bait? HECK YES. He tells Lizzy that the reason he didn't dance with random girls is that he's not good at having fake, insipid conversations. AKA he's only capable of bothering with women he finds interesting. AKA if he continues to hang out with Lizzy, it means she's definitely part of his inner circle.

But uggggghhhhhhhh, for the love of Fitzwilliams' Chunky Peanut Butter Crispies, why is Darcy hitting on Lizzy sooooooooo slooooooooooowly?!??!?!?!

Just barf up an engagement ring already! Before an Unseelie faerie steals your soul.

That's not a threat. It's just a prediction.

Jane Austen Scorecard (she did well today!): Wins, 23; Losses, 6

To see the in-depth analysis of Jane Austen's rule-breaking and stuff, click here!

As of the beginning of Chapter 5, Jane Austen had used the word agreeable 41 times, according to Real Alias. Is JA as bad with "agreeable" as Stephenie Meyer is with "murmer"? Real Alias is keeping track in the comments!