Lobsters are Smarter than Humans
We're desperate to know where you get these ideas, flyergirl13, but we're laughing too hard to ask. —Sparkitors
I've spent years of my life studying lobsters in their natural habitat (i.e. watching them in that tank when we go to the grocery store), and my extensive studies have made one thing perfectly clear: lobsters are better than all of us. (Well, they're not better than Steven Hawking, the Sparkitors, David Tennant, and Harry Potter, but you get the idea.) Lobsters are smarter, more logical, and, let's face it: they've got claws. Claws trump thumbs. I've compiled a list of serious world issues that could be solved in a snap, if only a lobster were in charge of the world. Sure, power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely—but lobsters are incorruptible, mostly because they have brains the size of lima beans. So vote for lobsters—here's why!
The economy: Right now, there are no jobs, no money, and no hope. We're all doomed. You should probably hide under your sofa, because the moon is about to explode. But put a lobster in charge, and voila! It would prohibit lobster hunting, which would force lobster hunters to sell their fishing boats and equipment, which would result in billions of dollars of profit (no more national debt!). And for all those people who are still jonesing to hunt something, we'll let them hunt amoebas. They're hard to find and harder to shoot.
Global warming: Remember all those lobster hunters we just put out of business? Our lobster leader could give them the job of solving global warming. Two birds with one stone!
Politics: Just think how fascinating political debates would be! Instead of watching a bunch of old people sitting around talking, we'd all get to watch lobster knife fights. SWEET.
Education: Well, lobsters can't talk, so our fearless ruler would communicate through Morse Code. Everyone would be required to learn Morse Code, and as a result, everyone would be smarter.
World peace: Lobsters are master mediators. Just give them a few hours and a salt-water frappuccino, and before you know it, we'll all be friends, united by the power of the lobster king.
Anyone who doesn't back the Lobster Party gets a claw to the face, ya hear?
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