You just bombed a test you spent weeks prepping for. Then, some dinkus launched ketchup all over your awesome new hoodie. And now, your iPod's stuck alternating between "Whip My Hair" and the cake song. No wonder you're mad! Furious, even! And you want everyone—and we mean EVERYONE—to know. Here's how to make that happen.
- Stamp those feet!: People aren't going to know you're angry unless you make some noise. Throw on your clack-iest shoes and march around like a giant. Pretend you're doing the angrier, stompier version of the "Single Ladies" choreography.
- Emulate Yosemite Sam: No one can lay out a series of "oooooooo"s and nonsensical curses like the red-headed stepchild of Warner Bros. Practice your guttural rhymes like "rackin' frackin'" and "shurkin' blurkin'" for some extra verbal fun.
- Hold your breath: If you're one of those people who can turn red without much effort, go for it. It adds such a nice visual.
- Cry: Really cry, like how you did when you were a little kid. Let your mouth hang wide open. Go for a big, round "AAAOOOOAAAAAAAA" sound, and let that drool flow like a rage-y river. Feel free to randomly modulate your tones from high to low, and if your decibel level is anything under car alarm range, amp up your sound accordingly.
- Lash out at inanimate objects: What is up with that empty milk carton, and why does it need you to punch it so hard? Same goes for that basketball, the couch in the lounge, and the Barbie doll that's just asking to be drop-kicked. [NOTE: Make sure you're bigger and stronger than the object of your destruction. Otherwise, you may be looking at an unexpected trip to the emergency room. And avoid concrete at all costs.]
- Contradict the people trying to calm you down:
Them: Do you want a tissue?
You: NO!
Them: You seem like you might need a hug. Do you need a hug?
You: No! I don't!
Them: Well, you don't want to keep crying forever, do you?
You: YES I DO.
Them: Someone seems a little sleepy.
You: I'M NOT SLEEPY.
Them: Overtired, even.
You: NO I'M NOT. Just LEAVE ME ALONE.
Them: Maybe someone needs to take a little time out.
You: I DO NOT NEED A...WHAT'S THAT?
Them: Oh, I just thought you might want your blankie.
You:[angrily taking the blankie] I HATE BLANKIE.
Them: Okay. I'm just going to lean you on your side a little...
You: NO! NO! MY SIDE IS THE WORST...THE Worst...
Them: Yeah?
You: The worst everrrrsnnnszzzzz. Hate..snsnrrmrrkkssss,
Them: Good night.
- Keep going even if you feel like you're almost done: Take a lesson from the little kids. Even when the all-out meltdown is over, they still keep up with the half-hearted whine/cry for at least half the duration of the tantrum. Think of it as a musical reprise, and a gentle way to fade out of your hissy fit. Extra points if, just like the toddler set, you segue from quiet sobbing into a full-on, thumb-in-mouth nap.
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