Defending Your Embarrassing Music Collection

An iPod, or any device like it, is basically just a tiny computer—how it works is a mystery to us, it contains some processors or floppy disks or something, and the stuff that's on it makes a convincing statement about our personalities.

If you're like us, you shamefully hide your iPod from prying eyes, lest someone sees your most thoroughly humiliating music. ("No, I just like listening to earphones that aren't plugged into anything; it's sort of a thing that I do!" is your go-to excuse).

But it doesn't have to be that way! You can explain away your embarrassing music without cringing or hiding in a closet even once. Or at least we think you can, which is why we made this list about it. Your mileage may vary.

1.) Invent an Emotional Excuse
Being sufficiently heart-wrenching can make you immune to any criticism. "Oh, I know it's silly," you'll explain, "but before my great-aunt Hortense died of Swine Rickets, her favorite song was the Teenage Ninja Mutant Turtles theme music." Then you pull that capital C frowny face (:C) and explain how much you miss dear old great aunt Mildred. Or, uh, Hortense. Whatever.

2.) Act Confused
"Ha ha, how did that extremely bad song get on there?" you'll wonder aloud, shrugging all over the place and filling the air with question marks. "I don't even know what a Fall Out Boy is, and I certainly don't have it on my iPod because I love it so much. In fact, look! I'm deleting it right now! Whew, good to get that weird song, the one I don't know all the words to, off my iPod."

3.) Act Like The Music Has Appreciated Somehow
Like a fine, bewildering wine, music appreciates with age, sometimes, or possibly doesn't. Nobody knows for sure. This is why you can claim that some bizarre song from a decade ago has mysteriously become an indie hit for some reason; nobody, anywhere, will be in a position to tell you it hasn't. Pitchfork is old hat by now, so to be really cutting-edge, your reference for this information has to be a music criticism outlet so new that it doesn't exist yet. "Come on, dude," you'll say, rolling your eyes as many times as you can without spraining them. "You mean you haven't read the new Musentipede yet? I am rolling my eyes so hard at that right now."

4.)  Confront Your Accuser
Put on your best confrontational face (>:[) and be all "Hey, buddy, if my Hootie and the Blowfish is so dated and embarrassing, let's see all your music." Most people will back down at this point, briefly hesitant as they try to remember what cheesy outlier songs they've left lying around. Music snobs and hipsters will not react this way, and are immune to this criticism, in which case you have to segue straight into:

5.) Claim Irony
"Oh, this song?" you'll say. "Ha ha! Yeah, look at me listening to The Jonas Brothers! As if I would ever do that on purpose!" At this point, you must begin dancing around, badly, to the song that you secretly love, to convince everyone of your ironic intentions. "Look how much I love The Jonas Whatevers!" you must continue, tearfully, as you flop around awkwardly and make a mockery of your own beloved music. The more you embarrass yourself, the better, because surely nobody who owned awful music on purpose would do such a thing.

The best part is that the further outside the mainstream your music selection is, the more believable this argument appears. Who, aside from a dedicated hipster, would purposefully inflict Vanilla Ice on an iPod?

What's the most embarrassing thing on your iPod?

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