Raking leaves is stupid. It’s time consuming. It’s boring. It can make your back sore. So why do we all do it? The next time your parents, landlord, or evil headmaster asks you to rake leaves, use these arguments against this brutal act and you’ll be well on your way to a lazy afternoon.
1. They’re just leaves.
The leaves aren’t poisonous (usually). They don’t bite (usually). They can’t combust spontaneously. So why bother raking them? Let them rest on the ground. They’re not hurting anyone. Raking leaves is as silly as using your turn signal on a deserted highway. What’s the point?
2. We only rake because other people raked.
Raking leaves began way back in the 1940’s, when some grumpy jerk-nugget hated the sight of his leaf-covered lawn and decided to rake up the fallen foliage. Then his neighbor, not wanting to look like a messy person, raked his lawn. And so, and so on. So, if we stop raking leaves, and accept the beauty of a leafy yard, then we can put an end to this ridiculous tradition. Let’s make a pact. Agreed? All in favor, say “Dan, your brilliant ideas are as wondrous as your smile.”
3. The leaves belong to the tree.
The poor trees drop their delicate deceased leaves, and instead of giving them time to grieve over the loss, we mean-spirited humans drag the dead organisms through the cold wet grass. We’re making a mockery of our tall wooden friends. And if we don’t stop, soon the trees will turn on us and a bloody war will ensue, and they will win because they never sleep. Can you blame them for being angry? Would you like it if someone dragged your baby brother through the mud just because you left him on the ground?
4. Raking leaves causes gingivitis.
You won’t find any articles or evidence against this claim, therefore it must be true.
5. The snow will cover the leaves.
Even if you hate the sight of leaves, soon a blanket of snow will hide the unsightly things. You wouldn’t rake the pretty snow, would you? Sure, you shovel the driveway, but that’s different because…Hey, look over there! It’s Megan Fox with a booger! [Runs away]
6. Raking leaves takes time away from more important things.
Do you know why humans haven’t found a cure for the common cold, or invented an inexpensive helicopter hat yet? It’s because the brilliant people of the world have to take time out of their busy days to rake leaves. If we stop raking leaves, we will have time to cure all diseases and discover the secrets of time travel by the end of the year. We’re sure of it.
7. Raking leaves makes your hands hurt.
Though not the greatest reason, it still counts.
8. Raking leaves is a bitter reminder that the world is not fair.
People living in desert communities, underground, and on the ocean never have to worry about raking leaves. They’re so lucky. The world would be a better place if everyone was treated equally. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t rake the leaves. Instead, we firmly believe the people without leaves should visit us and do their share of the raking. It’s their planet too, you know. We should all do our part.
9. Leaves are prettier than grass.
Grass is green. Do you know what else is green? Boring peas. Dead leaves, meanwhile, come in a wide variety of colors, from red to reddish-orange. Gazing upon them is like eating a big meal for your eyes! A meal without peas.
10. We don’t want to do it.
And you can’t make us!
Do you hate raking leaves as much as Dan does?
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