Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 18 (Revisited)
Chapter Eighteen: There Are No Words For This
Bella's Title: Who Wants to Date My Baby?
Let's try this again.
It's going to be tough blogging this chapter, because when I finished reading it, I threw it so hard it became embedded in the wall. Then I burned the wall. Then I fed the ashes to a duck and fed the duck to a bear. Then I sold the bear to some Russians, and sent it on its merry way. So I can't go back and check my facts.
One thing is for sure. Jacob is in love with a newborn baby. And with that, Stephenie Meyer has revealed herself to be an unholy creature of malice. Her body is a cocoon of meat that houses her true self, a monster made of shadow and hurt. I would call the police and have her arrested, but surely her wicked words have enchanted all manner of authority. How else could such an evil tome not only be sold in stores, but go on to be a bestseller? My fear now is that she's reading these blogs, perhaps using a magical sphere of obsidian glass to gaze at my work. These articles have angered her and she is no doubt planning my death. But I will continue. I'm not afraid of you, Shadow Queen!
As for the chapter itself, this is perverted freak fan-fiction, the kind of crap you'd find if you searched the internet for "perverted freak fan-fiction." This isn't lovely. This isn't romantic. This is wrong. It's wrong on every level. Only on opposite day could I say with a clear conscience that Chapter 18 wasn't the very worst thing I had ever read, and even then I would scream, "Opposite Day!" so loud glass would shatter and butterflies would lose their wings.
Jacob loves a baby?! A baby!? He wants to marry a baby?!!?
I made a lot of jokes about Quil, and he deserved the mockery. But at least Quil had the decency to fall in love with someone that could form words, eat solid foods, and support her own neck.
Jacob…I…I don't know what to say. But I don't hate you, Jacob. It's not your fault. It's the fault of your master, the Shadow Queen.
And to those who say Jacob's love for baby Optimus Beyonce is pure and innocent, I say, "PFFFFFFFF!" And if you try that argument again, I will say, "Double-PFFFFF!" So Jacob is going to be a father figure for Optimus until she's of age? What age? Is there a switch in Optimus' belly that can be flipped from "Cute Kid" to "Sexually Attractive Woman"? When will Jacob know it's OK to give Optimus a special hug? Is Imprinting bound by the laws of the government? On her 18th birthday, will Jacob look at her and suddenly realize: You know what? This child that I cared for is actually very sexy. Maybe I should do her.
Do you see the problem here? Do you understand how very sick this is? Let's switch up the roles, just for fun. Let's say a 17-year-old girl falls in love with a baby boy. That young woman mothers the baby until the time is right and they get married. Are you telling me this baby-turned-man isn't going to have major mommy issues and social development problems? Will he still ask his wife to tie his shoes, and wipe his nose?
I could go on and on, and I'm sure I will in later blogs. But I've been so angry about this that I need to let it go and move forward. Let's focus on the good things. For instance, Bella is dead. Yay! Though I'm sure her death is short-lived…or short-deathed, as it were.
The chapter begins with Bella flapping around wildly as she goes into labor. Twice in this chapter Stephenie Meyer uses the word "red" instead of "blood." It's pretty funny. Example: "Her hand came down to Bella's stomach, and vivid red sprouted out from where she pierced the skin."
It gives new meaning to the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and to the restaurant Red Robin…though Blood Robin would make a great name for my metal band.
The birthing scene is intense, and had the chapter not ended without Jacob falling for a baby, it would make for a fun chapter to read this Halloween season. You have Bella spitting up blood, Rosalie trying to cut the baby out of Bella's stomach, and gross crunching noises coming from Bella's belly. It's the stuff B-horror movies are made of.
With Carlisle away, it's up to Rose, Edward, and Jacob to help deliver the baby. But when Rose first slices Bella open, the blood is too tempting and the vampire almost loses control. Luckily Jacob steps in and kicks Blondie's ass in a surprising scene of action. I won't lie. It was a lot fun watching Jacob beat the crap out of her. She had it coming.
Rose is dragged out of the room by Alice, who isn't helping with the delivery because Alice is Alice. With just Edward and Jacob in the makeshift operating room, Dr. Edward starts giving Jake orders. Bella isn't breathing, so Jake has to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to keep her going. BTW: I spelled "resuscitation" correctly on my first try! Meanwhile, Edward chews the baby out of Bella like the guy who chews the gum out of Blow-Pop.
It's gross. It's cool. It's very intense. How they will make this into a PG-13 film is beyond me. Perhaps instead of the gore, Bella and Edward will adopt a baby…played by Amy Poehler. And then wacky hijinks ensue. That's the movie I want to see.
The delivery doesn't go very well for Bella. Her heart stops beating, perhaps because of the stress, or perhaps because girls in romance novels often have malfunctioning hearts. Jacob tries to administer CPR, but the chest compressions don't seem to be working. Good.
Meanwhile, the suddenly calm and collected Rose shows up in the doorway and asks to take the baby while Edward and Jacob try to save Bella's life. Edward hands Optimus over and prepares a needle of vampire venom for Bella. He's going to transform her into a vampire…I guess. I thought Edward wasn't strong enough to resist killing her? You can just do it with a needle? Why didn't they do that a year ago? Oh, I forgot. Bella loves Edward, and people have chromosomes.
He plunges the needle of vamp venom into Bella's dead heart. Jacob backs away. He thinks Bella is done for. Edward then begins to bite Bella all over her body. It's pretty twisted. After he opens her flesh, he runs his tongue over the wounds, and the gashes heal themselves. Did I read this part correctly? I can't double check because my copy of the book is now inside a duck that's inside a bear that's inside Russia. I didn't know vampires had spit, and that it could heal wounds. If their spit is so magical, I wonder what their pee can do? It can probably cure diabetes or at least get rid of head lice.
Edward must seal in the vampire venom so that it works faster. But Jacob thinks Bella is dead and has a strong urge to just run away, like he always does. Edward tells him to go, and as Jacob walks down the stairs, he has evil thoughts about what he wants to do to these vampires. Yes!
This part is really cool. I thought Meyer was setting up Jacob to be a renegade badass that served up his own brand of Thunder Justice, and maybe he would go on to star in his own Bravo TV series called Thunder Justice.
He looks at Rose sitting on the couch and hears the baby murmur. That's right, folks, the child's first word is a murmur. I hate this baby so much.
Thoughts of violence and anger flood Jacob's mind. He wants payback for killing Bella. He wants to kill the baby, and take out as many Cullens as he can in the process. He doesn't care about anything except destruction and revenge. Yes!
And then Optimus looks at him, and they fall in love.
The paragraphs after this moment of imprint are so oddly worded that it's difficult to tell what Jacob is thinking. He talks about balloons and how Optimus is now the only balloon in his life, and there's something about hearts changing.
The end was hard to read because the book was flying through the air at this point.
Murmurs: 2 (Book Total: 43)
Mutters: 0 (Book Total: 30)
Stephenie Meyer continues to ruin the only good things about this book.
ALICE: Hey, Emmett, how's it going?
EMMETT: Pretty good. I just traded in all my swords and weapons for some yarn.
EMMETT: Now I'm all about knitting. No more violence and tough-guy stuff for me.
ALICE: That's so odd.
EMMETT: And instead of being strong, I'm going to eat junk food and get big and fat. I've already knitted myself some new fat-guy slacks.
EMMETT: I also feel that all arguments should be settled through diplomacy and hug fights.
ALICE: Hug fights?
EMMETT: Yeah, if the werewolves try to attack, we will hug them. The love will stop the violence. I wrote a song about on my piccolo.
ALICE: You've really changed.
EMMETT: Did I mention that I got us Selena Gomez concert tickets? So excited! Eeee! I'm knitting her a hat. What do you think her favorite color is? I hope it's red, but it might be purple. Better make two hats.
ALICE: Well, I just stopped by to say that I've become President of the World and everyone on the planet must respect me and my super power.
EMMETT: I'm making brownies. The secret ingredient is a double pinch of sugar! Eeeee!
QUIL: My girlfriend's jeans are held up with elastic.
JACOB: My girlfriend clutches your finger if you rub it on her palm.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how horrified were you by this chapter?
More Blogging Twilight posts are here, in the incomparable archives.