15 Reasons Showers Are Terrible

We’re sitting here in our shower caps, too confused to move. Why must you be so convincing, Trini94? –Sparkitors

Hey there, Sparklers. So here's the dilemma. Danny B told us to shower in the morning. Brianna17_92 told us to shower at night. And now I'm just super confused. I used to enjoy showers. Really, I did. But now when I shower, thanks to those two, I'm constantly questioning whether I'm doing the right thing. And showers shouldn't be like that! Showers should be times of joy, reflection, enthusiasm, and magic. So you know what I say?

Well, enough is enough. DOWN WITH SHOWERS. Yeah, that's right. Here are 15 reasons you should stick it to the man, forgo the showering routine, and kick it dirty like me:

1. It enhances your sense of individualism. People who shower can't feel unique: they know that whenever they shower, day or night, there are thousands of other people in the world showering with them. Instead of showering, you should do something extremely unique and individualistic during your regular shower time. Like juggling Troll dolls and riding an elliptical while watching reruns of Seinfeld. No one in the world will be doing that exact activity at that exact time.

2. Not showering frees up your time for homework, chores, sleeping, leisure, and planning cat rodeos.

3. According to Scientists, not showering can prevent cancer. “Scientists” is the name of the old man who lives on my street. He and his tin-foil hat are very credible, and only smell slightly like canned soup.

4. People use too much “soap” and “water” these days. Who knows what anyone actually smells like anymore? People who shower are liars, wearing a facade of lie smells, parading around their LIES. Stop showering, and let your body odor speak the truth! George Washington never told a lie, and I'm pretty sure he did something important, though I can't remember exactly what it was.

5. Speaking of using too much soap, what happens when the zombie apocalypse comes? People won't have time to make soap. They'll be too busy stopping the zombiefied PTA from julienning their brains! Soap will disappear, and everyone will panic. Except you, because non-showerers are too cool for soap. Speaking of the zombie-pocalypse, less time spent showering is more time spent practicing your bow skills.

6. People who don't shower are helping the environment by saving water. Going green is the new thing, right? Look at that, Sweaty! You're saving the ozone layer!

7. How often do you see horror movie scenes where a person is peacefully showering and OMG LOOK AT THAT MONSTER PULLING A SHOWER-SNEAK ATTACK. Yep.

8. Robert Pattinson doesn't shower, and tons of people like him.

9. People who don't shower are scientifically more likely to not use a shower. According to Scientists. (Hi Scientists! I like your hat!)

10. I don't shower. It is everyone's dream of being me.

11. Not showering increases your confidence. You'll be in school and someone will take a huge whiff and say, "Ew, who smells?" And you'll be forced to admit that it's you, to avoid being known as a liar. And then that person will probably say, "You know, it is not weird at all that you do not shower. In fact, your honesty and odor are extremely refreshing! Friends? Friends!" Voila. Friends.

12. I like tomato soup. Unrelated, but yeah, that stuff is good.

13. Not showering makes people more athletic. Think about it: people who shower spend up to twenty minutes of their day just standing still. Instead, you can spend that 20 minutes running laps and checking SparkNotes. Just don’t BAM on every single lap.

14. Recent polls show that not showering is politically correct.

15. Dan Bergstein, contrary to popular belief, does not shower. He simply argues for showering in the morning because he was once involved in an extremely tragic night shark-related shower incident. Because that's what happens when you shower.

Is this the end of the pro-shower supremacy?

Related Post: 15 Reasons Why You Should Shower at Night

Unwashed Sparklers, one and all: read this, and write for SparkNotes! Cause nobody can smell you through a computer screen.