Today is going to be the BEST DAY EVER. Want to know why? Because we're giving ONE BAJILLION DOLLARS to every single Sparkler.
No, not really, you greedy, greedy fools. But we are doing the first Committee of Cool post in more than a month, which is basically the same as giving you enough money to buy a private island. In fact, it's EVEN BETTER, because instead of having to worry about tax evasion and which gold-plated scooter to ride around your 10-story mansion, you get to lean back and enjoy the mindless ramblings of three of the greatest minds of our generation: Emily Winter, Chelsea Dagger, and today's spectacular guest star (and beloved Splogger) Melissa Albert. Now THAT'S the kind of happiness that even one bajillion dollars can't buy, are we right? WE'RE RIGHT.
Artist: Mumford & Sons
Song: Winter Winds
Music Selection: Chelsea Dagger
TRANSCRIPT OF LIVE CHAT:
Emily: Do it up.
Chelsea: Hold on, I gots to find Melissa.
SHE’S NOT ONLINE. PANIC TIME.
Chelsea: Your face is barf.
Melissa has joined.
Melissa: It's happening!
Chelsea: IT'S HAPPPPENNINNGGG
Emily: Oh brother. Who are these jokers?
Chelsea: Uh, Tom Hanks is an Oscar-winning actor. Melissa Albert is an Oscar-winning Splogger.
Emily: I know Tom Hanks. He's my dad.
Melissa: I'm watching this video from a very exposed area of a café.
Emily: In Chicago!
Melissa: Yep, Intelligentsia on Randolph Street. Everyone's impressed by my "Committee of Cool at work" sign.
Emily: I can't believe you would go to a coffee shop with such a long name. That's very intimidating.
Melissa: More intimidating? Mustached hipster men scoffing at my music video taste. Is this band cool?
Chelsea: Is everyone there scribbling in tiny Moleskines?
Melissa: I'm not sure if I should be shielding my computer screen or not.
Chelsea: THIS BAND IS THE BEST BAND.
Emily: Oh, Chelsea, is this YOUR pick?
Chelsea: It will probably increase your popularity tenfold if you’re seen watching it.
Melissa: Guy next to me is scribbling in a Moleskine!
Chelsea: SCORE ONE FOR THE MOLESKINE!!
Melissa: He's making a very droll face.
Emily: I hope he is writing a poem about you watching Mumford and Sons.
Chelsea: I make that same face when I try to hit on guys on the subway.
Emily: DROLL?! He's probably my ex-boyfriend.
Melissa: Small pony tail? Ambitious facial hair? I like the majestic parts of the song.
Chelsea: Me too! Like when they all look at the camera and say "HEYYY"?
Emily: It is way too epic. Chelsea, this is a song of fools!
Chelsea: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO EPIC. If there were, Gladiator would have never been a movie.
Melissa: It reminds me of the song from that terrible movie Once. The epic parts, anyway.
Emily: This is bad. I mean, what are they even burying? Other than their careers.
Melissa: The ghost of irony?
Chelsea: I didn't see Once, but I heard it was great.
Melissa: I mean the corpse. You don't bury ghosts.
Emily: What is Once? Another cool thing I don’t know.
Chelsea: YOU ARE SO UNCOOL THAT IT PAINS ME TO EVEN SIT NEXT TO YOU.
Emily: I like it when stuff is blowing. At the guys.
Melissa: What was with the windstorm of hay and leaves? Is that meaningful?
Emily: Because it looks like a dragon is snorting boogers on them. But it turns out to be leaves.
Melissa: I didn't like how none of them was like "my contact!" Unrealistic.
Chelsea: It’s a metaphor. I loved it.
Emily: A metaphor. Do you know what that means?
Chelsea: No. DO YOU?
Melissa: Did someone have a feather shirt on?
Emily: Or are we going to have another case of irony on our hands?
Melissa: Irony is dead and buried, remember?
Chelsea: I would very much like to own a feather shirt, actually.
Emily: They buried irony?
Melissa: That was what I decided was up with the shovel.
Emily: Why oh why were they kicking the bass drum in BOAT SHOES?
Chelsea: BECAUSE BOAT SHOES ARE THE RUSSELL CROWE OF FOOTWEAR.
Emily: Humorless and kind of tubby?
Melissa: What's the Joaquin Phoenix of footwear?
Chelsea: Man, what a great question.
Emily: Good one.
Melissa: Brown bags full of broken glass?
Chelsea: And maybe they have some sort of ironic beard drawn onto them?
Melissa: Or they're soaked in misery and rubbing alcohol.
Emily: God, I want to think about this question forever.
Emily: I have it: the Joaquin Phoenix of shoes is socks.
Melissa: Hah! That's good. That's so dismissive. "You: are the socks of shoes." New breakup line!
Chelsea: Or new pickup line. I’m gonna use that one on the subway today.
Melissa: Which brings us back to sockless boat-shoe wearers Mumford & Sons.
Chelsea: Mumford and Sons don’t wear socks because they can play the banjo in three languages. MELISSA, DO YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK OR RISK BANKRUPTING THE COMPANY?
Melissa: British shipping can manage without me for five more minutes. I'm on lunch break!
Chelsea: What are you eating? Something intellectual and impressive so the moleskine guy falls in love with you?
Melissa: A single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat.
Chelsea: OOOHHHH, very good!
Melissa: So far I've gotten six proposals, but they were all ironic.
Emily: Oh boy that was beautiful. It made me want to hit on your brother.
Melissa: The hipsters’ mustaches are wet with tears, and it's gross.
Emily: My boyfriend fainted today. Damaged goods. Time to move on.
Melissa: For serious? Did you tell him he's the shoes of socks and that's why?
Chelsea: Did you call him a butt again?
Emily: He gave blood. And then he texted me the play-by-play of what happens after you faint.
Chelsea: What happens?
Melissa: Sounds like a good Sparkler post.
Emily: They put pretzels in your face and sit you in a lawn chair and give you some ice.
Chelsea: That sounds pretty nice, as long as none of the pretzels go up your nose.
Emily: Pickup lines for Melissa's brother is also a good Sparkler post.
Chelsea: Another good one is, "What kind of shoe is this celebrity?"
Emily: Ok, that's going on the for real list.
Emily: Or: What is Mumford and Sons Really Burying?
Melissa: Carol Burnett: Boone's farm.
Chelsea: How did you answer that so fast? That was incredible.
Melissa: Hangin’ out with Carol Burnett sharpen your reflexes.
Emily: Not everyone types with their nose, Chelsea.
Chelsea: I’m typing with my boat shoes on my hands, butt-clown.
Emily: I hope your boat shoes are covered in chocolate chips. Is there anything else we should say about the music?
Chelsea: I HATE YOU.
Emily: Banjos are hot.
Chelsea: So are handkerchiefs. And wind.
Melissa: What about the last second, where the guy cutely pulls a feather off his lip? That was pretty smug.
Chelsea: That was GREAT.
Melissa: I don't like pretend outtakes, though. That's what it seemed like.
Chelsea: Committee of Cool is entirely made up of pretend outtakes.
Emily: Good one!
Melissa: No way. Every single thing I’ve typed was on a crib sheet I wrote in my own blood. Two more minutes till I have to go…
Emily: Who are the “Sons,” by the way?
Chelsea: IT’S A METAPHOR, EMILY.
Emily: For what.
Chelsea: FOR OTHER BAND MEMBERS.
Emily: The dad ones or the kid ones?
Emily: Melissa, let's get out of here.
Chelsea: Albert, you were a gem.
Melissa: Thanks, guys!
Melissa has left.
Emily has left.
Chelsea: Man, I can’t even beat the newbie at my own game. CONFOUND IT ALL.
Stay tuned next week for the return of Video War: Kings of Leon Vs. Neon Trees!
Related post: Committee of Cool archives