10 Ways To Save the Planet
violet_hill1944, we've elected you as the newest (and highly unofficial) leader of the "Go Green" movement. We know you're gonna do us proud. —Sparkitors
For the past few years, phrases like “global warming, “save the polar bears,” “Prius,” “alternative fuels, “eco-friendly,” and “For the love of God whatever you do just don’t buy a Hummer” have been thrown around almost as frequently as water bottles at a Justin Bieber concert. With all of this new information, it's hard to determine what you can do to help, which is why I have taken it upon myself to devise ten ways you can save the planet RIGHT NOW. That’s right, I'm talking to you. You, with the non-biodegradable plastic water bottles and inexplicable fear of recycling. You can help those polar bears and YOU can make sure that no one has to hear the word “Prius” ever again. I can absolutely assure you that the following methods are the best way to combat climate change, greenhouse gases, giant scary waves, and movies directed by Al Gore.*
1. To conserve water and keep your body free of toxins, never wash your hair. You’ll have no friends, but at least you’ll rid yourself of the bisodium thytriaminaglockalate and red color-4 that hide in your shampoo.
2. Actually, just to be safe, never shower at all.
3. Do everything by candlelight, energy-efficient light bulbs be darned! Even better, buy organic fair-trade soy candles made by Patagonian mountain people. More light for you, more sheep for them. It’s a win-win situation!
4. Homework kills trees. Don’t do your homework. The trees will thank you.
5. Write postcards to polar bears. Polar bears love to read, and a happy polar bear=a happy earth.
6. Refuse to help around the house, insisting that you’ll waste valuable energy. Sure, it's your energy, but who cares? It's still a limited resource!
7. Stop watching TV and get back to the golden age of radio. It’s way more energy-efficient and a thousand times more wholesome. Goodbye Gossip Girl, hello Lone Ranger!
8. Ditch the iPod (but in an appropriate iPod disposal site of course, not a landfill—God forbid) and listen to music the way your ancestors did: at old-fashioned concerts. Gerry Sidestep and the Two-Timers, anyone?
9. Make your own paper. It takes time, sure, but each and every one of your homework assignments (if you’re still doing them, that is) will be a work of art. If you aren’t able to make enough paper for each day’s load of work, at least you’ll have a good excuse (you were saving the planet).
10. Give up fast food. McDonalds has been receiving your sorry business for far too long. The next time you're feeling down, don’t eat your feelings with a Big Mac that’ll just give you indigestion; instead, sit at home in the dark and chew granola (with added fiber, naturally)! If that’s not a recipe for turning your day into a big bowl of sunshine and rainbows, I don’t know what is.
* Disclaimer: None of these methods have actually been tested. I'm not responsible for any and all of the following side effects: social leprosy, hair discoloration, school expulsion, dry mouth, impaired vision, or death due to disgruntled polar bears and/or disgruntled APUSH teachers.
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