The (NEW) Friday Awards

For those of you Sparklers who are still confused about why you're still seeing Friwards, here's what happened: The Sparkitors offed the Friwards, then a committee of Sparklers brought it back to life! Now the Friwards are written by a bunch of Sparklers called the Hilarity Award Distribution Society, or HADS. We love it! (And we love pups in autumn. This pic is a Sparkitor's attempt to get her roommate to sign on for a dog. Weeee!) —Sparkitors

Why hello! Welcome to this week’s Friday Awards! *plays theme song*

I’m your host, Sparklewarder, and this week’s show is going to be great!

Before we get started, let’s take a moment to thank our sponsors!

This week’s Friday Awards are brought to you by:

• The Hilarity Award Distribution Society, bringing you laughter with every post.

• Gary! He may eat your comments, but we aren’t allowed to dislike him, since he IS sponsoring this.

• The letter “Z”!

• Ninja Rabbits Inc. Now you see them, now you don’t! They’re ninja rabbits!

• Sparklers just like you, for providing all of us with your wit and humor.

Now that we’ve acknowledged our sponsors, we can move on with the show!

This week’s thing to think about is: would you rather have to eat the same thing for the rest of your life or never be able to eat the same thing twice?

Before we get started, we must tell you that today’s show will not feature a Sparkler of the Week due to technical difficulties, some major lack of sleep, and a series of events that threw everything off track. However, gummybeararmygeneral promises that the award will be up and running next week, so you should all tell us something interesting about yourself in the comments!

Wait. Did you hear that? That buzz means it’s time for us to give out some prizes? What do we have to give away today?

*deep announcer voice* Wellllllllllllll, Sparklewarder, today we have some awards to give out!

Do we? Well, we better get started!

The We Wish We Could Gift Wrap Antipsychotic Drugs Award goes to PrestigiousTimeLady for this comment on How to Survive a Twihard Attack:

My best friend dragged me to the Breaking Dawn release party in the final fifteen minutes so we wouldn't have to endure fangirls. Unfortunately, we were stuck in a group of girls, and one of them was talking about her wedding to Edward. When it got so extensive that she knew the style dress she was wearing and what date it's being held on, I kindly reminded her that Edward Cullen is both a fictional character and likely not interested.

She tried to strangle me. Lesson learned.

The God of Literature Had The Day Off And Let His Apprentice Work That Day Award goes to Rubinne for this comment on the same post:

I am scarred for life!

Sparknotes WHY? Why did you have to post a link to that... that... that site! 'My Life Is Twilight'? Seriously? Now I can never look at passersby the same way! My brain is permanently fixed on MLIT morons... Oh, God of Literature, whoever you are, why have you permitted such a thing to exist???

The We’re Rolling Our Eyes Too Award goes to anEpicofEpicEpicness for this comment on the same post:

I just went to MyLifeIsTwilight.com and this is one of the posts:

"Today, I realised my hair is bown jus like bellas!  MLIT"

...What an accomplishment.

The More Than Prepared Awards go to these Sparklers for their comments on How to Survive a Twihard Attack:

idkagoodname:

I have another piece of advice, Carry around a good book, like Harry Potter / LOTR / And any other well written piece of literature, and use it to protect you. (Like thrusting it out in-front of you and saying 'Back off, I have good literature and I'm not afraid to use it!' or something along the line of that.)

i_heart_books:

VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!! They may have the numbers but we will work tirelessly to save future generations from this foul beast! May the force be with you. Best of luck.

namida009:

*has already had an ever-growing collection of dramatic movie score/trailer music for years*
*puts on birdcage and unsheathes sword... dramatically*

Just try and kill me, twihards >:p

hanini_panini:

Fear not, Sparklers. Whilst we arm ourselves with jetpacks and stilt swords, Twihards will be singing lullabies, stepping sideways, and waiting for Edward to come save them.

The Brilliant Post Idea Award goes to sgtpepper191 for this comment on the crying in public post:

What I need is "How to Stop Yourself From Laughing in Public at Really Inappropriate Moments".

The Cameron Diaz/The Holiday Award to lissalovesmusic for this comment on the same post:

Oh look. Advice I don't need.

I need to learn TO cry. Can you teach me that? I'll adore you forever and teach you how to bleed, since that's about all I know how to do. ^^

See, the freaking HOLOCAUST MUSEUM in Jerusalem didn't make me cry, although I did get close. Yes, I'm really that screwed up.

Don't judge me!

The Arbitrary Snape Reference #1! Award goes to liveloveanimals for this comment on the Scary Teachers post:
I feel for you. However, the quickest way to deal with a teacher like that? Humiliation by Boggart.

The With Advice Like This, You Should Be The Next Auntie Award goes to Beanieguy for this comment on the same post:

Hit him with a spade.

The Fairs We Go To Only Give Out Goldfish! Award goes to Emily_Jeanette for this comment on Blogging Wuthering Heights:

Cathy and Heathcliff are in love because they are both terrible people. Like one of my best friends, Kelsey, who released her gerbils into the forest when she didn't want them anymore. She also won a pig at the fair and named it Sausage. Very bipoloar...
Maybe Kelsey would get along with Heathcliff. Either way, none of these three should ever have kids. :/

The Super-Mega-Foxy-Awesome-Hot Award goes to sgtpepper191 for having an awesome locker:

My locker is awesome. I have Doctor Who and AVPM pictures all over it.

The Awesome House Proposal Award goes to iwearfiestapants for this comment on the 25 Issues Politicians Should Address post:

Illegalize all houses that are built without either a dumbwaiter or secret passageways.

Building your own is just so tiresome.

The Your Sarcasm Makes Us Do Handsprings of Joy Award goes to OrangeMaiden for this comment on the Signs Your Teacher Doesn't Like You post:

Oh no! All of these apply to me, the look, the F-minus, the tampered-with bike brakes! And I thought my teacher just thought I had cool hair, that F was my favorite letter and stood for "Fabulous", and that she was just a terrible mechanic!

The We Can’t Believe You’re Not Making This Up Award goes to sarahthesaltedslug for this comment on the same post:

My old math/science (yes, I had him for 2 subjects. Ugh.) threw scissors at us. And not the safety scissors. Needless to say, I never forgot a pair of scissors again. Guess who got fired at the end of the year? >:D

The We Never Knew This Before, But Now These Scars On Our Torsos Make Sense Award goes to LoverDumplings for this comment on the same post:

you're not safe at all. Everyone knows that online teachers are really robots with an uncanny ability to "find" students they don't like. And by "find", I do mean eat your spleen.

The We Can’t Tell If You’re Joking Award goes to TheRaesoftheSun for this comment on Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 16:

I enjoyed the "Almond" poem. Mostly because it reminds me of my grandfather. Why, you ask? Because that's his name. My grandfather's name is Almond.

Anyway. I love it, Dan. Keep it up.

The Truest Comment of the Week Award goes to CelticChiliPepper for this comment on the same post:

I don't get what Leah is so upset about. If I not only was a female werewolf, but also didn't have to put up with my period, I would start jumping for joy as tears of happiness began streaming down my cheeks.

The I Get Excited Too Awards go to these Sparklers for their comments on the Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 16:

rainfire113 for...

Dan (almost) mentioned me by NAME!!!! You know, the bit about the foreign exchange student named Rain? Well, if I moved to Forks, it'd be close enough to being a foreign exchange student. And I am called Rain!!!! Rain is me, yes?!?

jewbiegirl for...

oops.
i thought this was an open thread.
I got overexcited about the blogging twilight, and all logic left me.

The This Shall Start a War Award goes to AngryHobbits for this comment on the 8 Reasons To Love Milk post:

Okay.
Half of sparkitlers (sparkitors + sparklers) are of the Dark Side.
Half are of the Light Side.
Why? As soon as one of the Dark Side posts a 'reasons to hate' article, the sparkitlers of the Light Side must post one of love.

You see? Sparknotes isn't just a world of awesome. It's also a BATTLEFIELD OF THE FORCE

The We Love Your Teacher Award goes to Suporna for this comment on the 6 Reasons Why My High School Is the Most Ridiculous School on Earth post:

You guys may or not believe this, but one day at my school, my AP English teacher just stopped teaching in the middle of class and got up out of her chair. She strode over to the door, swung it open, and ushered all of her bemused students out. She silently led us outside to the back parking lot before making a "sit" hand motion and rushing off behind one of the school extensions. Minutes later, she returned with a huge cutout of Edward (the world-famous sparkly d-bag) and threw it to the ground in front of us. She then procured a paperback version of "Twilight" and tossed it on top of the cutout. Finally, she pulled out a lighter from her back pocket and said in a monotone, "Let the games begin."

Best. Language. Arts. Class. Ever.

The Crazy School Awards go to these people for their comments on the same post:

BWooch:

I have determined that your school, as of yet, has nothing on my school.
5. Our resident AP English teacher hands out business cards with his cell phone number on them for students to use for emergencies. Every single day, we call his phone during class and hang up, and he always tells us that it is an important business call and pretends to have his phone conversation in the hallway.
4. In said English class, we have waffle wednesdays, which occur the first wednesday in every month and include making enough waffles to supply the entire hallway. Ironically enough, wedensdays are also reading quiz days, which I have been permanently exempt from after deeming myself "Waffle Master."
3. The history teacher places an electric pancake skillet in front of his classroom door while his students are testing to ensure that no visitors disturb the students.
2. In my freshman year, my friend threw a pig at the ceiling in the cafeteria and it just happened to stay suspended there for the past four years. Last summer,during a total renovation of the school, the janitors decided it would be more effective to simply paint over the pig rather than remove it. We now have a white spray painted pig stuck to the ceiling.
1. On the last day of school last year, the seniors orderred 1,000 bouncy balls from Oriental Trading company and dumped them down the stairs during passing time. All students were sent home for safety concerns.

randomness2325:

my chemistry teacher willingly hands out his bunsen burners so we can make smores in class and when the french students next door have food days we're allowed to use the bunsen burners to heat up our waffles. what? don't judge me. it works

GeorgianaJuliet:

Our science teacher Freshmen year was also the girl's dean. One day she made all of us go up to her apartment and peal a bunch of apples for her. We did this while listening to a mix of Usher and Josh Groban. Another time she had us build fairy houses. She and the school counselor judged them and baked cookies for the winners. Yeah, not normal...

The Group Hug! Award goes to peaceonearth34 for this comment on the Fashion Trends post:

Trends will come and go, but Sparknotes lasts forever

The Bonus Points For BAMs? I’d Have A 100% In Every Class! Award goes to 'olwhatshername for this comment on the Owning a DeLorean post:

Will my top ten with login count toward my
bio grade? I think it should

The To Us, Chocolate Is Worth More Than Gold. You Can’t Eat Money. Award goes to ProposeWithOreos for this comment on the Moneymaking Schemes post:

I charge chocolate bars and coffees for tutoring... it doesn't exactly make me "rich", but it keeps me from paying for them

The Why Do You Get To Be a Martian AND A Hobbit And I’m Stuck Being a Muggle? Award goes to AngryHobbits for this comment on the How to be Awesome: Morning Edition post:

Huzzah! I'm a Martian!
I always knew it was true!
...this might explain the futuristic teleportation device I've always had

The Unicorn Riding Dwarf Award to DontWorryBeHappy:) for this comment on the same post:

I totally agree with working at night. I've developed a habit of doing all my Calculus homework at 1:00 am because I can concentrate better and it gets done faster so I can go to sleep. However, it also results in minor confusion the next day when I look at it and think, "How did I solve this problem? And why did I draw a picture of a dwarf riding a unicorn next to that graph?"

The Devout Milk Drinker Award goes to RustyApplecause for this comment on the 8 Reasons to Hate Milk post:

I refuse to read this post. It contains the words 'milk' and 'hate' in its title. Those are two words that should never be put together. NEVER.

The Milk Conspiracy Award goes to leaair for this comment on the same post:

You are absolutely right.
Milk is nothing but lies fed to us to somehow get rid of excess white juice secreted from cow's mammary glands. Gross.

The Beat Him With WHAT?! Award goes to Dreamerlily for her comment on this post about avid readers:

A wile ago, my friend got a new book from the 39 Clues series...one that I wanted to read, because I was reading the series too. and then *spoiler warning cause I'm nice* he texts me Irina DIES in all caps. If he was standing infront of me at that moment, I would have beat him wiht Irina's corpse.

The You Did NOT Just Diss Books Award goes to Suporna for her comment on the same post:

One of my more athletic friends (coughjockcough) tried to dissuade me from reading with the following reasons:

1. Books can give you herpes.

2. Books = paper = material to feed fires (do you want to be responsible for starving millions of fires around the world?!)

3. Books can't be tossed around in games....welll, now that you mention it (wide eyes) O_O

4. A friend of my sister's aunt's brother's donut's caterpillar's leaf's dog died of reading too much. I swear.
5. Hitler wrote a book. DO YOU WANT TO ADVOCATE SOMETHING THAT HITLER DID???

The I’ll Read Your Book! Award goes to laxchicscore96 for this comment on the same post:

I think English teachers spend more time looking for hidden meanings than an author spends hiding them. " I concur with this statement. My English teacher does this all the time. Im pretty sure authors dont say, "hmm perhaps I shall add some juxtaposition, symbolism, irony, etc. into my writing. Then ill make a hidden concept about a normal little girl." NO. If I become a famous author or something, I will state to the public that there are NO HIDDEN MEANINGS. and that anything found is made up.

The I Got Distracted When I Read About Shirtless Guys Award goes to misselainius… for this comment on the same post:

I totally agree with number 4! I think the whole symbolism thing is a lie. My favorite was when my english teacher asked us why it is that the boys in a separate peace take off their shirts when they run. silly me! i thought it was beacause it's hot and and they want to cool down! it really means that they were trying to shed their youth off and be considered as men. go figure.

The AVPM Reference Award Goes to DontWorryBeHappy:) for her comment on the Pride and Predjudice post:

Mr. Collins is such a BUTT TRUMPET. The only thing that is slightly redeeming about his character is that now I know smart, funny, awesome girls always attract creepers until they find their Darcy.

Umm.... not that I have that problem at all... *cough*

LOL Points go to:

sarahthesaltedslug for this comment on the crying in public post:

I always think of babies wearing handlebar mustaches. Picture it and just see if you don't start laughing. Especially if they're stroking them thoughtfully.

nataliet06 for this comment on the same post:

I'm wondering if your tears will fall up your face when you do handstands.

Superhero001 for this comment on Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 16:

The argument between Jacob and Leah is made so much more intense when I get my computer to read it in it's scary half-robot voice.

Actually, Dan's entire post is made that much more intense when it's read in a scary half-robot voice.
Dan should now talk in a half-robot voice. I think that could only make him more awesome.

katier0307 for this comment on the same post:

Anyway, we love you. Why do we love you? Because vampires have 25 chromosomes.

hlucero06 for this comment on the moneymaking post:

You could also...

Sell incredibly stupid- I mean AMAZING ideas, such as "Instant Water! Just add water!" or "Striped Paint!" or "Elbow Grease!".

Give out good food during lunch time (cafeteria food is about as sanitary as licking an elephant's butt!). Charge 7 dollars per homemade PB and J sandwich, and rename them "Crushed Legume and Berry Sauce Sandwiches". Fancy!

Purposely put leaves in your neighbors yards, then offer to rake them at 10 dollars a bag. What's even better is, you can reuse the leaves for somebody else's house.

Go trick or treating on Halloween, then, two months later, resell your candy loot. This only works if you can make your loot last two months.

Get a bunch of five year olds to paint on a canvas, then sell it off as some famous painter's "masterpiece". If anybody says it looks ugly, just tell them it's profound, and they just don't get it.

lissalovesmusic for this comment on last (this) week’s Friday (Tuesday) Awards:

I saw "Awards" and assumed it was the Friday awards. Here's how my thoughts went:

"Sweet, I wonder if I got a Friward? Probably not. I'm not that noteworthy."

"Wait, it's Friday?"

"How did I miss that @&*#! PSAT I'm taking tomorrow? Or is it two days ago? Doesn't matter, YAY I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT!"

"OH NO, I MISSED BOOK CLUB! *Cries* Now I have to wait another month to see Ian..."

"Wait...that says 'The Tuesday Awards (From Friday)'. This means the awards are just late. Good. I didn't miss Book Club or *cough*my "friend"*cough* Ian. Okay."

"WAIT, I HAVE TO TAKE THE PSAT TOMORROW, GAH!"

"I'm such an blonde."

"Wait, I dyed my hair red. I'm not a blonde anymore. Just an idiot."

*Facedesk*

"There's a reason I'm never getting a Friward."

iwearfiestapants for this comment on the same post:

HADS. I wish to dedicate a love mad lib to you.

Dear HADS,

I woke up this Dusk and my elbow drooled at the thought of you. Not only are you very colloquial, but rogue as well. Every time I stare at you my shoulder blades become flustered and my cuticles begin to liquify.

I can't wait till friday night. I have a shocking surprise for you. It is venomous and barbecued and babbled a lot. I hope you will crystallize it!

I will be wearing the swirly cummerbund you gave me last hug a Ginger day. I know how much you love to sandblast me in it!

Hugs an kisses,

Your favorite Fissure,

Iwearfiestapants

You guys are fudging awesome for doing this!!

Eebyenoh on the 8 Reasons to Hate Milk post:

Number 2 reminds me of my Spanish teacher last year...she said, "All of you are going to get cancer at some point in your lives. Every single one of you." Then she jabbed her finger at the students while she said "Every...single...one!”

We didn't learn much Spanish.

applegrins11 for this comment on the same post:

If milk is so bad why do cats drink it?
I mean, people, cats are smart. THEY HAVE 7 LIVES. Or was that 9?

iwearfiestapants for this comment on the My Crush is a Fringe Character post:

I honest to (deity of choice) thought that said my cherish is a character on the fridge. I was just like, what? you have a crush on a magnet?