Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 7 (End of Volume 1!)

Chapters 19-23

Our crafty protag Lizzy Bennet is definitely playing hard to get with Mr. Collins. The evidence is all there. For example, Mr. Collins asks Lizzy to marry him, and she says no.

Obvious burger: Everyone knows that when girls say "no" they mean  "yes," and when they say "yes" they mean "twice." Oh, Lizzy B., you calculating little minx!

JUST KIDDING.

Lizzy despises Mr. Collins, and tells him she honestly doesn't want to be his wife. The reasons she probably doesn't like him are that he's horrible listener, he doesn't even know her, he's related to her, he smells like overcooked turnips, and he always manages to brag and apologize in one breath. He says stuff like, "I am the greatest man, and I am terribly sorry I'll be staying with you for a few weeks," and "My glorious nose hairs bloom like lotus blossoms upon my face for all the world to see, though I'm deeply sorry I said this if you are blind."

Pretty much everything Mr. Collins does is infuriating. If this book were about him, it would be called The Cat in the Hat, because no one would ever read a book about him (especially when Dr. Seuss is around).

Since Mr. Collins is a suck sandwich full of pride and bologna, he refuses to take Lizzy's rejection seriously. To add suck to more suck—or more suck to suck?—Lizzy's mom is really mad at her for refusing Mr. Collins (and thus losing the Bennet estate, which Collins will inherit when Mr. Bennet dies). Luckily, Lizzy's buddy Charlotte Lucas comes over and defuses the situation by chatting up Collins the whole night.

But wait, why is Charlotte doing this? Out of the goodness of her heart? Or is there something else going on? Austen doesn't give a clue, but...

Teen Novel Rule #24: The relationship between the protag and her BFF should serve at least one of two purposes: 1) To help define the protag's point of view and feelings, and/or 2) To shake things up.

In P&P, Lizzy The Rejectifier has her big sister Jane to bounce ideas off. Also, we really get a sense of Lizzy's point of view through her conversations with Jane: where Jane is endlessly positive and trusting, Lizzy is insightful and realistic, bordering on cynical. What I'm saying is, Austen already created a relationship that reveals Lizzy's point of view. This means that Charlotte should exist to shake things up. Or at least booty dance in Mr. Collins' underpants, which is kind of the same thing.

So will she? We'll see!

Next, Jane gets a letter from Caroline Bingley saying that she and Mr. Charles Bingley (Jane's crush) went back to London and probably won't return all winter. The letter also says that Mr. Bingley has a crush on Georgina Darcy (Mr. Darcy's sister), much to Caroline's dismay.

Wow. Aside from a slow painful death with no old time-y drugs, this is pretty much as bad as it gets in the 19th Century. Manners and lack of cars and make it impossible for Jane to reach out to her crush and find out if he's truly over her. And to think he'll be spending all winter getting cozy by the fire with some chic named Georgina! Ack! If Austen would have just followed the rule about No Parents, at least Jane could have taken tastefully nude pictures of herself behind her drum set (it's amazing what a cymbal and a cowbell can hide), and then mailed them to Bingley to make sure he doesn't forget about her over the winter.

Erm, just saying.

Awesomely, Lizzy realizes that Caroline Bingley is a mean, selfish liar, and explains all of this to Jane: Lizzy says that Caroline wants to marry Mr. Darcy, and she thinks it will help her chances if her brother marries Darcy's sister. Plus, Caroline believes the Bennets aren't high-status enough to become in-laws. Jane is skeptical, because this is pretty devious stuff and she always wants to believe the best about everyone. Still, she hopes Lizzy is right.

Of course Lizzy's right! She's righter than free massages, carrot cake, and bashful baby elephants. If Lizzy's wrong, I don't want to be right! Well, kind of I do. Okay, I do.

But still!

Three days after proposing to Lizzy, Collins proposes to Charlotte Lucas, and she accepts. Wha-ho! Jane Austen didn't just obey Rule 24, she pwned Rule 24, which was 19th Century slang for slapping a horse on the butt with a banana. Charlotte is around to shake things up after all. Lizzy can't respect Charlotte's decision—which is based on status and money instead of love—and fears that their friendship will never be the same.

New question: Why would Collins propose marriage only three days after having his first proposal get shot down? That's like biting into a cupcake filled with hate custard and dead worms, and then ordering another cupcake three days later. Mr. Collins is the bravest or the dumbest man on Earth.

So, just for review, at the end of Volume 1, Jane is sad because Bingley disappeared, hasn't sent her a letter and is presumably getting primal with Georgina, Darcy is engorged and also back in London, Wickham exists, Mrs. Bennet can't forgive Lizzy for refusing to marry Collins, and now Mrs. Bennet believes Collins and Charlotte are always whispering about when Mr. Bennet will die so they can inherit his estate, and Lizzy has lost her best friend. Wow. Could the stakes get any higher? Of course they can, because they must!

Finally, some of you smarty bottoms have noted that it's confusing when I call Kitty "Catherine." Cool, so that's what we're calling her, Kitty? I'm on board. But I must say that in Volume 1, I think there's more references to her as "Catherine" than "Kitty," though I trust she'll be more "Kitty" than "Catherine" in the rest of the book. What I'm trying to say is...

Teen Novel Rule #25: Don't call the same character two very different names unless it serves some kind of purpose! Dammit, Jane Brittany Austen, stop confusing me!

It makes me cry in my sleep.

Jane Austen Scorecard: Wins, 19; Losses, 6

How much would I have to pay you to say yes to Collins?

Related Posts: Blogging Pride and Prejudice

Check out Real Alias's comment below to see how many times Jane Austen's resorted to her crutch, the word "engorged" "agreeable"!