How to Survive a Twihard Attack

Does this also work on mean older brothers, A-Wingfan? —Sparkitors

Sooner or later, you’re gonna make a Twihard mad. Maybe you’ll say something about preferring Star Wars to vampires in front of the wrong pale-faced Edward fanatic, or a coven of Jacob worshipers will catch you coming out of a screening of Vampires Suck. Maybe you’ll totally miss the point and post “Baked some cookies, went to the pool,” on MyLifeIsTwilight. Whatever the trigger, you need to be prepared for the day the Twihards attack. They will outnumber you heavily, and advance with mindless determination. Is your phone ringing? It’s them. And guess what? The call is coming from inside the house. Here's what you need to know to survive:

Weapons: First question: What will they have? Know thy enemy, particularly thy enemy’s choice of armaments. Chances are, most of them will plan to rip your head off with their bare hands, which means that they’ll have to be within two feet to strike. You’ll want something that gives you a better range. Others will likely be armed with perfectly formed, waxen throwing apples, making a pointed stick a good weapon choice. A stake is also a good option, mainly because the Twihards will be so excited by the sight of vampire paraphernalia that they’ll sprain an ankle lunging at you—they take pride in their Bella-esque clumsiness.

Armor: Let’s just assume that, despite knowing about the dangerous gangs of Twihards roaming your area, you still haven’t invested in a stormtrooper suit or Mithril vest. Now you must pay the price by building your armor out of household objects. Yes, you will look ridiculous lining your torso with back issues of House Beautiful and wearing a birdcage on your head, but you will also look alive.

Location: This is critical. Move to an open window, where sunshine and fresh air will cause the Twihards to recoil in horror. Make sure, however, that you have enough space to use your weapon and to move your birdcage-covered head freely. You’ll probably want to make an epic playlist now, so that you can have a properly sound-tracked battle when the time comes. As it inevitably will.

If you follow this advice, you have a chance of surviving. May the force be with you. (And don't EVER let a Twihard hear you saying that.)

We thought we were ready, but our stormtrooper suit keeps riding up. What kind of superfans are you on the lookout for?

Related post: If I Rewrote Twilight

Once you’ve assembled your household-object body armor, you, too, will be ready to write for SparkNotes. After you read this.