Blogging Wuthering Heights: Part 15

By Contributor

October 8, 2010

This is Coffinmaker's blog. Seriously, how do you not know this by now? —Sparkitors

You know what? I think I'm finally beginning to understand Heathcliff and Cathy's way of thinking.

Just kidding! I'll never be able to understand these two, at least while polar bears are still white (which will be a long, long time, if my sources in Antarctica are correct). Cathy says that even heaven wouldn't be bearable without Heathcliff, but the fact is that she doesn't know whether or not heaven has electric foot massage machines, so she can't make a judgment like that.

So there you have it.

Anyway, Heathcliff finally sees Cathy for the first time after his elopement with Izzy, and while they love each other, they also have a lot to straighten each other out on.

But before I start, let me say that casting has begun for Wuthering Heights: The Musical! and yes, Robert Pattinson will be playing the title role (because he's stupid enough to audition for the part of a house). Nick Jonas will be playing Edgar Linton and Angelina Jolie will be Catherine Earnshaw, reprising the role she has played for the past ten years (a violent b-word).

For Heathcliff we're going to be using a lot of special effects; he will be a giant animatronic demon that can breath hellfire and foot-punch any member of the cast. He is bulletproof and rotten tomato-proof and has a pair of giant bat wings made of papier-mâché.

Chapter XV

Heathcliff is set on seeing Cathy, so when Edgar leaves for church, he flies through the window with a roar and comes and meets her in the parlor. Nelly, creeper that she is, watches their passionate reunion.

Pardon me for belaboring this for the 100th time, but Emily B. has neglected to tell us why Cathy loves Heathcliff so much, hasn't she? I mean, it's not like she doesn't know about Heathcliff's faults. So why does she love a guy who married a woman he didn't love just to get her fortune, a guy who abuses her, a guy who would've killed Hindley's baby if he'd had the chance, but, since he didn't, has turned the little kid into a swearing devil at the age of five, and is now plotting to take over both of the richest mansions in the town for some unknown reason? (I like to believe that he thought it'd be fun.)

This probably isn't the question I should be asking, because she seems to love him, no matter why. The real question is—is anyone sane in this novel, and if so, is he named Bugs Bunny? (And is Lockwood going to mistake him for a dead kitten?)

Heathcliff and Cathy alternate between arguing and kissing for the next couple of hours. Cathy scolds Heathcliff for leaving her, twice—first for the three-year period when he left, and second for when he married Izzy. Heathcliff says he only left because she betrayed him by marring Linton.

And the normal yadda-yadda. They don't talk at all about their future together, or what's going to happen if Linton finds out, which, if the two don't separate pretty quickly, will be soon.

Nelly tries to warn them that Linton is back from church and coming up the road, but Heathcliff says he'd rather die in her arms than leave her again. Which is funny, because he didn't seem feel that way a few months ago, when he ran off with Izzy...

And this chapter ends with the same old story; Linton discovers Heathcliff and gets so angry that he makes Cathy faint; both Heathcliff and Linton freak out like little kids, forget their quarrel, and take her to her bed. Heathcliff escapes in the ensuing chaos, but forces Nelly to promise that she'll tell him about Cathy's condition tomorrow.

Smeyer's thoughts after reading this chapter: Smeyer decides to take time off vampire romance and sci-fi and write a political thriller called Alternating Between Kissing and Arguing. It features George Washington and Nancy Pelosi.

My thoughts after reading this chapter: I'm wondering how I'm going to write this scene for the musical. I'm going to need some real talented actors, ones who can kiss and sing at the same time. Anybody up for the job? Ventriloquists, maybe?

In Chapter XV: Nelly reports to Heathcliff on Cathy's condition:
Nelly: Lawks, what did I tell you, Heathcliff? I knew the very sight of you would make her relapse into madness!
Heathcliff: Shuddup, Nelly, and tell me how she is.
Nelly: Dr. Kenneth has her in a post-Heathcliff trauma rehabilitation program.
Heathcliff: What?!
Nelly: Yeah, he's trying to rid her of anything that will remind her of you. For instance, no physical activity is allowed, and she can't go near a moor.
Heathcliff: Do you mean a moor as in a hill that we frolicked on as children, or a person like me with dark skin?
Nelly: Hill, duh. And she can't throw applesauce at people.
Heathcliff: How horrible! How will she live?
Nelly: Well, you've pretty much screwed up her life.
Heathcliff: Goshdarnit. Well, when will I be able to see her next?