Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 16
Chapter Sixteen: Too-Much-Information Alert
Bella's Title: I Make Up Ridiculous Names Because I'm So Darn Precious
Guess what. More patrol running! For the zillionth time in this book, Jacob, Leah, and Seth run patrols. The Jake-ster is leading his pack east, making sure that it's safe for the Cullens to go hunting. I thought the Cullens were supposed to be bad ass vampires who could take care of themselves, but apparently they're whiny crybabies who need teenaged werewolves to hold their hands and say it's OK.
During the trek through the woods, Jacob and Leah have a heart-to-heart discussion that borders on flirting. Leah says she will stick by Jacob even when this Bella situation is over. She will always be part of his pack.
Leah, Leah, Leah. If you really want Jacob to fall for you, all you need to do is make unreasonable demands while complaining about your perfect life. And smell like freesia. And make lasagna. And be weak and uninteresting. And read Wuthering Heights often. And have a romantic relationship with a controlling father figure who doesn't care about Italian citizens.
Jacob doesn't want to lead a pack and he doesn't want Leah to follow him around. He knows that the Bella situation will end badly, and when that happens, he plans to remain a wolffor ever and ever and roam alone on the loam. But Leah says she will keep quiet if she can remain in his pack, and she promises to let Jacob do his own thing. Jacob, don't do it! It's a trap! Months later Leah will suddenly get clingy.
JACOB: I'm going to run to Canada tonight and hunt for bears.
JACOB: Is that OK?
LEAH: I guess.
JACOB: What's wrong?
LEAH: I just thought…Well…usually we watch Dancing With the Stars on Tuesday.
JACOB: Come on. It's one night! We can watch it later.
LEAH: Fine. Whatever.
JACOB: See, now you're pissed and I don't even know what I did!
LEAH: Just go. If that's what you want, then go. I don't care. I don't care at all. I'll just stay home and work on my beanie baby collection.
JACOB: But we're not even dating! What's your problem?
LEAH: I don't have a problem, Jacob. I just wish you were more sensitive and…oh gosh. Now I'm crying.
JACOB: I’m sorry you feel that way. I'll stay home. Please stop crying.
LEAH: Yippee! I'll make brownies!
Jacob needs some time to think this over. He's not looking forward to sharing Leah's thoughts for the rest of his life, and when Bella dies, his own thoughts are going to be extremely dramatic and emotional. Of course, we all know Bella isn't going to die, and I'd bet that by the end of the book she not only has a beautiful baby, but also wins the lottery twice, discovers that her house is built on a diamond mine/oil well, finds Aladdin's lamp at a garage sale, learns that she's really a wizard/fairy/unicorn/rainbow/angel, and becomes an Olympic figure skating champion while she records the #1 pop song of all time.
Leah says she can help Jacob deal with the pain of losing a friend. She had to watch her beloved Sam go off and imprint on her cousin Emily, so she knows all about heartache. I agree. Getting dumped by a guy who digs another chick is exactly the same as watching your best friend's torso be ripped in twain by the teeth of a demonic fetus. (Sarcasm hand)
For some reason, Leah brings up Rosalie. She knows Jacob hates Rose, but Leah feels sympathy for the vampire b-word. What follows is a discussion of menstrual cycles, womanhood, childbirth, and my favorite topic, imprinting. To offset all the feminine stuff, after reading this chapter I ran out to play football, fix a truck, chop wood with my head, and grow two beards.
Leah can't have babies because when she became a werewolf, she stopped having her period. Since Ms. Meyer wrote this book, I had to read this section twice to figure out what the author was tiptoeing around. Besides "sex," Meyer can't handle the word "period" or "menses" or "time of the month" or even "Aunt Flo." Instead, she uses the word "patterns."
Granted, I'm not a woman, and I've only discussed menstrual cycles twice in my entire life and one of those times was by accident. I'm not familiar with all the lingo, so maybe "patterns" is a common euphemism for periods. But to me it sounds cold and clinical, like something that involves math, computers, or sewing.
Now excuse me, I need to grow another beard.
The inability to have a child has made Leah very sad. I can understand that. This longing for a child makes her appreciate Rosalie's desire to have a baby vicariously through Bella. I understand that too, sort of. And Leah thinks it's perfectly OK for Bella to die if it means a baby is born. I…
Agh! Quick! Instead of talking about abortion, here's a poem I just wrote! It's about almonds!
By Daniel A. Bergstein
When I say "almonds" I don't pronounce the D.
I do not care what you think of me.
You can't make me do it. So don't even try.
I do what I want. I'm that kind of guy.
But when talking 'bout fudge, I do pronounce the E.
And with the word "bomb," I stress the second B.
If you think that's cool, you'll love how I say "friend."
I add an extra O-sound and an X to the end.
I also say "castle" and "thug" differently.
And when I say "hat," it rhymes with "knee."
The discussion of babies leads to a brief conversation about imprinting, a wonderful part of the werewolf community that is as sacred as it is sensible. According to Sam, werewolves imprint on a mate to carry on the werewolf gene. When a werewolf spots the perfect companion, one who is perfectly suited for making werewolf babies, that person is imprinted regardless of the imprintee's age. Hence, Quil dates a toddler.
The book skirts this yucky age issue by claiming that Quil's relationship with Claire will be chaste until Claire is older. Until then, Quil will act more like a father than a boyfriend. Bull crap.
If you buy a young cheese with the intent of consuming that cheese once it has properly aged, are you telling me that you won't even think about eating that cheese? Heck, you're probably looking up grilled cheese recipes in the checkout line of the cheese store. This is why Quil is disgusting and Stephenie Meyer is criminally hilarious.
Back to the point: Leah assumes she's useless because none of the werewolf boys ever imprinted on her, and imprinting on Leah would make the most sense because genetically, the offspring of two werewolves would be stronger than that of a werewolf/human relationship. The fact that no one wants to give Leah a special hug makes her feel double-sad. I feel bad for her. Sure, she's a nasty bully, but she just wants a little love. Don't we all? Quil, put your hand down. My use of the word "little" had nothing to do with age.
Jacob hasn't imprinted on anyone and Leah is looking for an imprint buddy. This is why I suspect Leah and Jacob may hook up. I hope not, because that would ruin the butter sculpture I made of Jacob and Lady Gaga riding a dolphin together. (It's the centerpiece for my family's Thanksgiving dinner.) Although I suppose it could be Leah riding on the dolphin. Does Leah like to wear elaborate costumes made of meat, glitter, and fear? Please say yes.
Leah and Jacob end their conversation, and Jakes runs back to the Cullen house to tell the vampires that the coast is clear. Inside, he sees the big room is empty and hears voices coming from upstairs in the X-ray room. Alice appears and tells Jacob that Bella may have another broken bone.
Moments later, we learned it was a false alarm. Edward thought he heard Bella's pelvis break, but he was just hearing things. I can relate to this. Often I hear what I suspect is my pelvis breaking, but every time, my doc says I didn't break a bone, and that I would stop hearing things if I stopped wearing a porcelain belt. But porcelain belts make me feel pretty, so I don't know what to do.
Everyone comes back downstairs, and Jakes says it's safe for the Cullens to hunt. Carlisle wants to send them out in groups, but Rose and Edward refuse to leave Bella's side, so everyone else goes out first.
Emmett is there too. Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, if I bought a bicycle built for two, would you…never mind. It was a stupid idea. But if you'd like to ride it, just let me know. We can call it the "bicycle built for (kung) fu!" Just stop on over. I'll be in the garage replacing the bike tires with large circular saw blades.
With the other vamps gone, Jacob is left with Rosalie, Edward, and Bella. Rose and Jacob make fun of each other as Edward stares at his wife. Then Ed hears something, or rather senses something. He tells Bella to talk, and when she does, he can sense what the baby is thinking. He can read its mind, and Optimus Beyonce loves the sound of Bella's voice, and adores the mother-to-be.
Aww. How wonderful. I'm not tearing up. I swear. [DAN GROWS ANOTHER BEARD TO PROVE HE'S A REAL MAN]
Speaking of Optimus Beyonce, Bella has chosen two wonderful names for the baby. If it's a boy, she will name it EJ, which I guess is short for Edward Jacob, or maybe she doesn't know how to spell Edge.
If it's a girl, she will name it Renesmee, a name that rolls off the tip of your tongue, assuming you have eight tongues and have never heard the English language before. Renesmee isn't a name. It's how a foreign exchange student named Rain greets her new family. "Rain is me. Yes?"
Did Bella even try to think of a name, or did she just combine letters and names? I guess we should be thankful that the name isn't Jessicangela, or Bellalice, or Rosemmettyler, or Carlislecharliejasperedwardbillyembryquilconner.
I'm sticking with Optimus Beyonce.
Rose and Bella look like cocky jerks as they glare at Edward for ever doubting that this baby would be wonderful. Jake doesn't like this family moment, especially since Edward is now smitten with the demon child. Jake was holding out hope that Ed would put a stop to it, but now that he can read Optimus's mind, Edward is a proud papa and the thought of terminating the pregnancy flies out the window.
Jacob stands in the room feeling double sad. Edward senses that Jacob is uneasy, so he tosses Jake his car keys and says, "Go Jacob. Get away from here." According to Jake, these words were not meant to be mean. Edward knew that Jake was having a tough time handling this, so he wanted to get Jacob out of the house. But why give him the car keys? Why wouldn't Jacob just run away? This like telling Superman, "Superman, you need to leave right away. Here, take my bicycle built for two!"
Murmurs: 3 (Book total: 39)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 27)
Leah and Jacob finally kiss.
LEAH: That was so hot!
JACOB: It was OK.
LEAH: We're in love now, right?
LEAH: We should get married in the spring, and have a fancy cake, and…why are your rubbing freesia on my face?
JACOB: No reason.
LEAH: Anyway, we should buy a house, and I'll get a job in Seattle, and…why are you tripping me to the ground?
JACOB: I think it's sexy when a girl is clumsy.
LEAH: Neat. Anyway, I think I'll ask Rose to be my maid of honor. We have so much in common…why are you tugging my hair?
JACOB: Your hair should be longer. I would love you more if your hair were long.
LEAH: OK. Go ahead and tug it. Do you want to shop for rings today, or…why are you biting my wrist?
JACOB: I'm into girls who have crescent-shaped scars on their wrists. And would you mind saying, "Holy crow," often?
LEAH: Oh. OK. Holy crow. So we should think about what kind of silverware and plates to get. I saw this one pattern that would be wonderful.
JACOB: Are you talking about your period?
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