25 Issues Politicians Should Address

By Dan_Bergstein

October 7, 2010

Whether you’re a Democrat, Republican, Independent, or Robot Party member, you probably agree that political ads are silly. Not only do these boring commercials pop up every three seconds on TV, but they’re all the same: either flowery and all too pleasant (“Senator So-and-So will create jobs, stop all wars, make a rainbow that appears all the time, and grant you three wishes"), or angry (“Governor Blah Blah once karate chopped an old woman, and he thinks it’s funny when bunny rabbits die”).

Not only do these ads waste our time when we desperately want to watch cartoons important shows about important things, but we doubt they change anyone’s mind. When’s the last time you saw a political ad and then screamed, “Holy crap! I never thought of that before! I guess jobs are important! Thank you, Mr. Television Politician. I shall vote for you with all my might!”

If the candidates wanted to persuade us, they wouldn’t talk about the same old stuff again and again. Issues such as the economy, education, and health care are important. But we know where they stand on those subjects.

To win our vote, candidates should promise to take bold action on these issues:

1. Car horns should be changed so that they sound like lasers.
2. Birds should be studied to make sure they don’t have telepathic powers.
3. Bring back Arrested Development.
4. Each package of Skittles should have more red candies and less yucky orange ones.
5. Coffee should cost less and taste much better.
6. Electric roller skates should exist and be reasonably priced. And they should come in adult sizes.
7. We need more mountains and less TV shows about weddings.
8. Everyone gets a puppet.
9. All poems should end with, “Just kidding.”
10. When you buy a hot dog, you should get a second hot dog for free.
11. If a friend says he’ll pick you up at a certain time, but shows up 20 minutes late, that friend should go to jail.
12. We need eight more Harry Potter books.
13. Every city in the country should be connected by spooky tunnels that you travel through via rickety mine carts.
14. Get rid of bugs.
15. Radiohead should lighten up.
16. Scissors should be renamed Pincher Swords.
17. December should be extended by a week.
18. Sunday should be extended by two hours.
19. Escalators should come in more colors than black, gray, and black-ish gray. Purple would be a good start.
20. Buses shouldn’t smell like buses.
21. Legalize time travel.
22. Every state should get a baby monkey, and every person in each state should get to take care of the monkey for one day.
23. The film Inception should be five seconds longer so we could see…well, you know.
24. Earbuds should not be allowed to fall out of your ears, and if they do, you should get a $50 gift card.
25. Dakota Fanning should record a gangster rap album under the name Holler Dollar. Sorry, but we can’t budge on this one.