Blogging Pride and Prejudice as if it Were a Teen Novel: Part 6

Chapters 16-18

MR. WICKHAM!

Mr. Wickham is a guy who snuck into a previous chapter who I completely ignored. I had NO idea this dude was going to come in and muck things up in ways that are too complicated for baby geniuses, too jossipy for Jossip Jirl (like Gossip Girl, but set in jungle), and too scary for pants. In fact, I'm writing this from the comfort of a kilt made out of woodchips.

It is the only way.

Teen Novel Rule #21: Just when your reader thinks she's figured everything out, do something totally unexpected.

• Random dance party? Too iCarly.
• Lydia gets pregnant? Nobody cares.
• Introduce a character who makes Darcy seem eleven times more shady than Lizzy ever even suspected?

Huzzah!The Bennet girls, Mr. Collins, and Mr. Wickham all turn up at Mrs. Phillips's place for dinner. Lizzy can't help but get all-over tingly when she meets Wickham, who sneezes cinnamon sugar, fronts an R&B musical comedy troupe called Rhythm & Bloopers, and wears lime green corduroy pants that are tight in all the right places. Heaven! Wickham tells Lizzy that he knows Darcy, and Lizzy says it's weird that Darcy isn't on Facebook. Wickham explains that if he'd done something as scandalous, shady, and downright evil as Mr. Darcy, he probably would take down his profile, too. Lizzy, who has 359 more friends than Mr. Collins, is intrigued, and begs WickyWoW to tell her more.

The young Wickham tells Lizzy that he had been friends with Darcy's dad, and Darcy's dad probably loved the Wickster more than his own son. In fact, Wickham had a verbal contract with Darcy senior to inherit some of his assets when he died. But when Daddy D finally kicked it, Darcy was ENGORGED with jealousy. So engorged was Darcy that he ignored the wishes of his late father, and kept all the assets to himself. Wickham never spoke to Darcy again, leaving him to his stolen fortune, alone and famously, painfully engorged. (If you choose to use this word in a school paper, don't be surprised if it comes back red-marked with "-5pts" and frown faces throughout. Consider this your warning, engorged.)

Jane tells Frizzy Lizzy not to get in a tizzy over what's probably just a misunderstanding between Darcy and WickyWoW, and that Lizzy would be lucky to make piles of babies with either of them. Lizzy doesn't agree, and when the Bennets get an invitation to a private ball at Netherfield (at the Bingleys'), Lizzy fantasizes about dancing all night with Wickham and making Darcy jealous. Lizzy's in such a good mood over this that she makes the mistake of starting a conversation with the apologetic braggart, Mr. Collins. She asks him if he plans to go to the ball at Netherfield, and he tells Lizzy yes, so that he can ogle her.

SICK. BARFY. UNDERPANTS.

Lizzy realizes that Collins has the hots for her.

And that Darcy may be having epic 19th century fantasies about her bare knees.

And that Wickham may potentially want to ride on a pair of white horses deep into the woods with her. (Yes, euphemism!)

Austen is making this complicated, like spaceships. The romance situation is not a love triangle, a love box, or even a love rhombus. It's a love... nest! All you P&P experts, confirm for me that the beautiful artwork below represents what's going on around here, yeah? (And for sake of fun modern-day comparisons, let us know if you identify with any of these characters.)

Lizzy and the Bennets go to at Netherfield for the ball. Lizzy's looking hotter than usual in a zebra print mini skirt and a Bumpits, but Wickham is nowhere to be found. She hears that he's on a business trip, and won't be making it to the ball, the slam poetry after-party, or the midnight rave at the abandoned tea kettle factory. Nuts!

Teen Novel Rule #22: When your protag gets super excited about something to the point that she's fantasizing about it day and night, don't let her have it. (At least not until the end of the book.)

Two for two today, lady A! And I have to say, these are my favorite chapters so far. Austen's adhering to some complex, nuanced rules, and they're making the story so good that I actually want to read it instead of working my Saturday job as a grave digger in Alaska. Congrats, Austen! You're starting to woo me.

As if matters couldn't get any worse for Frizzy LB, Mr. Collins pulls her onto the dance floor for the first two dances. This wouldn't be that big of a deal, except that Austen says a dance lasts a half an hour. Half an hour?! Holy crap—do they even make songs that long? No, no they don't, which means Lizzy was forced to dance to Slow Beiber with a guy who probably has greasy hands, a stain on his shirt, and smells like burp, always. Austen calls it "a dance of mortification."

After the Beiber ballad, DJ Dizzy Darcy whisks Lizzy on the dance floor. How romantic, EXCEPT! Except Darcy is King of the Jerks, remember? Lizzy and Darcy actually do talk briefly about Wickham during their dance, but Lizzy's too well-mannered to kick him in the shin with her four-inch stiletto, and Darcy's too mysterious to defend himself. Both leave the dance floor unsatisfied and grumpy.

Teen Novel Rule #23: The truth is not your friend. The truth is a bad man with a switchblade who will ruin your whole story and then kill you.

Why can't Lizzy and Darcy talk about the truth? Because of 19th century manners. Talking outright about this stuff was against social law, and both Lizzy and Darcy know it. Why REALLY can't Lizzy and Darcy talk candidly about what happened with Darcy's dad? Duh in a handbag—it would ruin the whole story! If Lizzy knew who to trust and who was lying, she'd be able to choose a man easy peasy. But without knowing, the story can go on... for 275 more pages.

*whimpers and rereads Private in 37 seconds to feel accomplished*

Later, Mrs. Bennet embarrasses Lizzy by talking about how the Jane/Bingley match will mean that all of her daughters will eventually be thrown in the way of rich men. This is super tacky, like wearing edible underpants to the first day of school. What's worse is that Darcy hears all of this, and now probably assumes that the whole Bennet clan is all about the Benjamins, which is completely untrue: Mrs. Bennet will settle for any Benjamin, Bradley, or Bilbo Baggins who's willing to impregnate one of her daughters. And who is also rich.

Jane Austen teen novel scorecard: Total wins: 18, Total losses: 5

Check out the comments for Real Alias, who's keeping track of how many times Jane Austen uses the snoozer of a word, "agreeable"!

Related posts: Blogging Pride and Prejudice