Jon's High School Life

We sent our Sploggers a list of questions about their high school selves, and the answers will SHOCK you. Well, maybe not SHOCK, but emotionally tase you. Or something. —Sparkitors

Were you funny?
No. Unless you're asking if I was funny unintentionally, like because I was always walking smack into a wall or get stepped on by a horse or something. In which case, no, of course not. Don't be crazy.

If you could go back in time and give your high school self one piece of advice, what would it be?
Watch out for that horse, bro!

How did you decide where to go to college?
I wasn't really sure what I wanted to do yet, so I sat down and made a list of all the most respectable schools that I had any chance of getting into, visited the campuses I was able to visit, looked up the local atmosphere and other intangibles of the ones I couldn't, talked to guidance counselors, settled on a finalized list of my absolute top schools, and got rejected from all of them. Then I picked a school at random.

What were the popular kids called, as a group?
We really only had names for the various kinds of unpopular kids, which I won't repeat, because the Sparkitors are totally frowning and shaking their heads as I consider doing so. The popular kids golfed and their dads owned helicopters.

Were you in a certain group?
I was a member of a hard-nosed street gang called Jon Skindzier and the Nobody Elses. We mostly did speech and debate, and took AP English classes. We were not a very good gang.

What kind of music did you listen to?
I went from Enya to Tupac over the course of high school. I have no idea how that happened.

Tell us about an embarrassing thing that happened to you.
I really did get stepped on by a horse, then stumbled around and almost passed out, in front of a bunch of children. I was just trying to untangle the rope this dumb horse had somehow managed to get knotted around its legs, so that the little kids could ride him, but the horse was having none of it. It's probably better I failed, because that horse was evidently a jerk and not suitable for children.

What's the meanest thing anyone ever said or did to you?
I just covered this. A mean horse broke my bones.

What were school dances like?
Senior year, our class president's entire plan was to trick the principal into approving as many themes as possible that involved wearing as little clothing as possible. That said, I was at home reading James Joyce or sulking somewhere instead of going to most of them, so I dunno.

What was prom like?
I ended up with one of those Oh-Crap-Neither-Of-Us-Has-A-Prom-Date prom dates. I said about eight words to her and we went our separate ways. Then I went bowling. (Although that was actually our Afterprom, so to be fair, that's what I was supposed to do.)

Were the cheerleaders popular?
They were attractive and blond, so there you go.

Did you have pep rallies, powder puff games, Sadie Hawkins dances, or other things that seem made up by a screenwriter?
Yes, all of those. A high school football sportscaster came to one of our pep rallies, but then someone hit him in the head with a cardboard box and he called us a bunch of [expletive]s and said he was never coming back. I seem to remember that we were pretty proud of that.

What did you think your career would be?
Freelance Emo Poet. I would travel the country, being all sensitive and writing my unbearable poetry until somehow I would be a billionaire. It wasn't a very well-planned career.

Tell us about a fight you got in with your mom.
We got along pretty well. I think we argued over me wanting to ditch the debate state finals, which took place over spring break, so I could instead go to a tropical climate and do whatever mysterious, illegal things my friends were doing. I lost that argument, and then I also lost the arguments at the debate state finals, but at least I was stuck in a car with teachers for much of spring break! Hooray!

How many people from high school are you still friends with?
Does it count if our only communication is a Farmville-generated request for help with someone's Baby Yak Eggs or whatever? If so, then like three.

Do you identify with Jon's high school life?

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