Introducing... The NEW Friday Awards

Last Friday, your Sparkitors had to cut The Friday Awards due to time constraints. But 20 Sparklers have picked up where we left off! We're really proud of how quickly the committee organized, and we think it did an excellent job with its first Friwards. Since the NEW Friwards are put together by Sparklers, we thought it'd be appropriate to put in a Sparkler pic, too. Thanks, Mystery Sparkler, for sending us this soft sculpture heart! —Sparkitors

Hello, Sparklers! We here at the newly formed Hilarity Award Distribution Society (or HADS for short) have formed this committee to ensure that all of you still get your greatly deserved Friwards. Now, before we get started with the awarding, we’ll just mention a few things we decided on to help us manage all the comments.

1. The comments on the Open Threads are not eligible for Friwards. This is just to keep us from overloading on your random awesomeness.

2. All posts on Thursdays and Fridays will count for the next week, since we all have school and lives too.

3. There are around 20 of us and we are in groups for different days. If you don’t get an award, but think your comment was funny, just remember all the different people working on this. We suggest commenting as many days as possible for your best chance.

4. No one on the committee is allowed to give themselves Friwards, but someone on the committee can receive a Friward from someone else.

5. We will have a Sparkler of the Week award. To get this award, write a comment on that week’s HADS post mentioning something interesting about yourself.

Apologies in advance for any mistakes we might make. After all, we aren’t the Sparkitors.
So, now that we have that settled, let’s get started!

The Only in America Do We Realize These Things About America Award goes to Suporna for this comment on the Really Dumb Stuff post:
1.     Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.    Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.    Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy their cigarettes at the front.
4.    Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5.    Only in America…...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6.    Only in America…….do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.    Only in America…….do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
8.    Only in America…….do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.    Only in America…….do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
10.    Only in America…….do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America…….can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)

The Of Course We’ll Go With You to Homecoming Awards go to the following Sparklers for their comments on the creative ways to ask someone to Homecoming post:

Spacey_Gracie:
Dear [You],
[Straw]! What's [east]?
So, you might have [smelled] that I was thinking about [smacking] you to the upcoming [Oktoberfest]. Do you [believe] you might [rehabilitate] to [be] with me? I think we'd have a lot of [alcohol]. And as added incentive, my [donkey] can even [ride] us.
Let [me] know!
-[Gracie]

gravity no longer applies:
Dear Gravy,
Hay! What's south-west?
So, you might have tasted that I was thinking about shepherding you to the upcoming leaves falling off trees. Do you munch you might throw to pushing with me? I think we'd have a lot of geese. And as added incentive, my twin armadillos can even carry us.
Let the creepy woman with the mustache who works in the local sandwich shop know!
- Lord Snooty Pants

The Unfortunate Birthday Award goes to flunkybed for this comment on the tomato post:
i read this and then bragged to my friend that my birthday was “national day of forgotten toilet training and then i realized that this article was probably not serious and that “national day of forgotten toilet training probably did not exist
now i’m sad

The Polite Cat Award goes to jewbiegirl for this comment on the same post:
There is this thing that you can toilet train a cat with.
It's like a litter box, but it's over the toilet, and you slowly open it so the hole gets bigger and bigger. Then the cat learns how to go in the toilet. For the ambitious, you can teach them how to flush.

The What? We Want Kumquats Award to MushroomLunchbox on the 5 Legit Ways post:
was that a Get Smart reference? If so, you deserve a standing ovation. And also a prize kumquat from my great-grandpa Bostwick's Prize Kumquat Garden. (Just a side note—I have no idea what a kumquat is)

The You Learn Something New Every Day Award goes to minipinkelephant for this comment on the same post:
"CAPICIO!!!!
...thats what you're supposed to say after someone says "Capice". Because "Capice" means "Understand" and "Capicio" means "Understood"....
...never mind. my eighth grade lit teacher used to make us say that."

The We Hope Insurance Covers That, Since We Now Have a Get-Out-of-Gym Excuse Award to Fluffalo for this comment on the Friwards post:
That sound... that sound that you hear... is my eyeballs exploding. They couldn't handle reading the whole post.

The Best I Will Survive Musical Reference goes to Spacey_Gracie for this comment on the same post:
at first i was afraid, i was petrified. Kept wondering how i could live without you by my side. But then i spent so many nights, thinkin' how you did me wrong. An i grew strong...
ok i'm better now. RIP Friday Awards

The Sparklife Vocabulary Award goes to flyergirl13 for this on the same post:

I CANNOT EXPRESS MY SHOCK AND DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION AND SADNESS AND MELANCHOLY AND ANGUISH AND MISERY AND DISTRESS AND HOPELESSNESS AND CHEERLESSNESS AND MOURNING IN ANY WORDS AT ALL.
I am speechless. I am dumbfounded. I am aghast. I feel like I've been affected by that tongue-tying curse that Mad-Eye set up for Snape in #12, Grimmauld Place.
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, SPARKITORS????
You just ruined my day. I was sooo looking forward to the Friday Awards. You have ruined me. It's all your fault.
On a slightly, barely, happier note, I got a Friward on the last one! This makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside, to counteract the cold iciness of despair that has gripped the special part of my heart where the Friwards reside.
P.S. Thank you thesaurus.com

The Because Sometimes You Just Need To Chat About Shoes Award goes to niamhhh for this comment on the 5 Types of Homecoming Dates Post:
You forget the "Your gay best guy friend" date.

The That Sounds Like A Story We'd Like To Hear Award goes to Suporna for this comment on the same post:
School dances are just FILLED with awkwardsauce. I don't think I could handle it again after the 7th grade Winter Wonderland dance...

The We Feel Your Pain Award goes to aleyna22 on the Books You Can Read with Your Younger Sibs post:
The proudest day of my life was when I encouraged my little sister to pick up the first Harry Potter book.
The worst day of my life was the next day when she revealed to me that it was stupid.

The Confused Parents Award goes to MaidenWarrior for this comment on the Auntie SparkNotes: A Crippling Fear of Flesh post:
My parents bought me one of those younger "Where do I Come From?" books for my ninth birthday.
They also bought me a holy water container.
Not kidding. This is too ridiculous (and hilarious) to lie about.

The Quick Save Award goes to has_no_life for this comment on the Never Been Kissed: Head Over Heels post:
Reaction: Ohmigawsh. YOUR GYM HAS A BALCONY?!?!
Erm... real reaction: It sounds like it was the greatest homecoming that anyone's ever had ever. Congrats!

The I Want It That Way Award goes to MushroomLunchbox for this comment on the Day in the Life of a Drama Student post:
I'm in drama too! I love theatre, especially musicals. The crazy backstage moments are so much funnn... and you do get hungry all the time. I really love getting ready for the show. We blast Backstreet Boys in the girls' dressing room.

The You Don’t Love the Best of Both Worlds? Award goes to procrastinate_13 for this comment on the Ferris Bueller post:
What would I do with my day off? Go cliff jumping with a jetpack.
And i know a REALLY scary movie we could watch next month.... any Hannah Montana movie.

The We Won’t Mess With You. Promise. Award goes to muffinsarejustbetter on Maxvz’s advice article:
Max. I'm assuming you don't golf. Well, I do. And if I liked a guy, I wouldn't even want to whack him with a putter. Putters leave oddly shaped bruises. Irons can break bones. Actually, so can putters, if you're angry enough. [Not that I would know or anything.] And don't even let me get started on wedges, hybrids, woods, or drivers. Those can kill. [Again, not that I would know or anything. Stop looking at me like that. I'm perfectly capable of executing a grand battement with my hardspike golf shoes on.]

The Our Ears Will Never Be the Same Award goes to Albrolengarn for this comment on the article about Quidditch Unions:
WOAH.... think....
Quidditch--
with JETPACKS.
That deafening boom you heard was me breaking the awesomeness barrier.
The We’re Almost to That Point Award goes to peaceonearth34 for this comment on the same article:
OHMYGOD
TAKE ME TO YOUR SCHOOL NOW!!!! ENROLL ME!!! I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! ANNNNYYYYYTTTHHHIIIINNNNGGGG!!!

The You Can Be the Announcer, We’ll Warm Our Broomsticks Up Award goes to Tigress_118 for her comment on the same post:
In addition to Quidditch, I suggest that we have a Hunger Games at sparklife academy... but instead of killing each other, we play lazer tag until only one person's left standing.
AND we should have a Triwizard tournament.
AND we need to have a Bending Class, because I'm quite curious in learning how to Lightning bend.
And we need to have a live-action version of robot unicorn attack.
these are the sports I reccommend for sparklife academy.

The We Were Wondering the Same Thing Award goes to Topazinha for this comment on Blogging Breaking Dawn Part 14:
PS. what the heck is APUSH? Is it a class where you push people and things around or off cliffs?? I'm a bit confused. Do you actually need to learn how to push? And is there an APULL as well? Just wondering...

The *WE* Read That Far Down, So Someone Else Must Award goes to HunterGoldman7 for this comment on the same article:
I know it's probably not worth commenting anymore if you're not in the top 10 or even the top 50, but just in case someone reads down this far....
This is great! I've been checking for this part forever, and today has not been my best day in college, until this, so thanks

The Our Fearless Leader Award goes to: gummybeararmygeneral for forming and organizing HADS.

LOL Points go to:
WiseKnowMonsters on the Auntie Post about siblings who don’t make good SO’s:
I've pondered over this title for the last two days and finally got it.
Nothing to do with incest.

mcbookworm333 on the Latin Crush post:
Yay fellow Latin nerds  The Oxford textbooks have a main character named Quintus as well, but the illustrations are so bad that no one could think he's attractive. However, the illustrations do make for great laughs when the publishers decide that by the third year, we're mature enough to see some skin. Wow. Scarred for life, I tell you.

Spectacles_Not_Glasses on the 5 Types of Homecoming Dates Post:
im going to spend homecoming night coming home to sparklife (eh? get it? homecoming, coming home? get it?

radiosinger on the Creative Ways to Ask Someone to Homecoming post:
psh. Much too easy. Where I live, Homecoming-Asking is EPIC. Including fake arrests and toilet papered houses. If anyone just handed someone a note that said “Hey, will you go with Homecoming with me?” That person would be turned down. No joke.

sgtpepper191 on the Books You Can Read with Your Younger Sibs post:
I hate explaining the plot of "Artemis Fowl". It always comes out sounding REALLY STUPID. "Uh.....there are fairies, and this kid genius tries to take gold from them, but then later he's nice and helps them save the fairy world. ....IT'S GOOD, I SWEAR!"

Ringo_Conrnelius_Spock on the same post:
Eragon! The bloody fights that end with blood. YES! I mean *ehem* girls, such as myself think that is quite silly. Really.

Bookworm314159 on the How to Be a Freshman post:
This is the advice us freshman got on Freshman Unity Day. (or as we call it, F. U. Day):
Senior: "Being a freshman is not so bad, just don't clog the hallways, or we'll have to shove you out of the way."
Freshman: (laughs)
Senior: "Seriously. We will hurt you if you don't move."
[Akward silence]
Senior: "So, who wants to learn the school song?"

LilyT23 on the same post:
At our school, the seniors hate the freshmen. They threw water balloons with fish oil and vinegar in them at the freshmen. Also, an assortment of shaving cream, nair, and chocolate syrup. Yup, that's my school.

WiseKnowMonsters on the Auntie SparkNotes: Slow-Burning Passion and Short-Statured Dudes:
I don't date short guys for one, simple reason:
They can see up my nose.

moho14 on the Auntie SparkNotes: A Crippling Fear of Flesh post:
when i first read this i thought it said a crippling fear of fish

missmolly02481 on Maxvz’s advice article:
ps. sometimes you DONT want random guys to pay attention to you.
haha like the old man on the corner.
or this strange freshie who randomly gave me his number then followed me for the rest of the day
hmmmm or your little brother's friends...

hanini_panini on the same post:
It's unfair to girls...we're expected to put so much effort into our appearance, and guys barely have to put in any at all. If you as a guy expect me to spend hours putting on make up and nail polish, then you should be doing the same.

Musical_Sage on What to do When the Electricity Goes Out:
Actually, if you want to build a tower of textbooks, put the physics book on top of the stack so it takes the most damage. I mean, with all that potential energy stored within the textbook because it's so high up there...!

sk8bird on the same article:
oh, lol, the power went out in my school for the first two periods! During second period, my US History teacher told us that she had some ice cream in the freezer downstairs and didn't want it to melt, so she decided to give it all to my class and as soon as we finished eating, the power came back on ^^; PWN

sciencenerdess94 on Blogging Breaking Dawn Part 14:
Recently in Spanish class, we were put into groups to write stories using reflexive verbs on some famous couple, whether real or fictional. My group, since the majority of it was constituted of Twihards--or so I thought--chose the Cullens. But the story turned out to be pretty cool. Here's how it went:
"Bella wakes up at seven o' clock in the morning. Edward doesn't sleep because he is a vampire. Edward is obsessed with Bella, but Bella doesn't like Edward. Bella wants to get away from Edward. She meets Jasper, Edward's brother, and they marry. Edward is sad and depressed. He commits suicide.
THE END"
Sure, Jasper isn't much better than Edward (one member of our group suggested that she meet Batman, but that suggestion was shot down), but eliminating the Cullens is apparently a bit too much to ask for...

More LOL Points on the Really Dumb Stuff post:
pupleeggplant4:
on a box of almonds the label read “this item contains nuts.”

bad_hijab_day:
AHAHHAHAH this post made me crack up.
And yeah the worst I’ve ever seen is an iron with the helpful disclaimer “Do not iron clothes while on body.”

Legit_Mrs_Darcy:
My friend’s straightener said “Do not straighten eyelashes.”
Who was stupid enough to get that put on the box?

sugary_sarcasm:
When I was at the mall a few weeks ago, a dress I tried on had a tag that said “I have a zipper.” This tag was ATTATCHED TO THE ZIPPER.

TheOneWithTheHat:
The tag on our garden hose said “May cause cancer in the state of California”. But not in, say, Arkansas? Or Texas? Or Guam? Hmm…

BrandNewEyes:
After I got my braces off a while ago, I got one of those clear plastic retainers  to wear at night and it came with care instructions. It said: “Rinse after wearing and brush with a toothbrush before putting it in again at night. Make sure to clean the container with soap and water every few days. Do not put retainer in microwave or toaster.”
I had to read that line like five times to make sure I read that right.

one25centpeice:
It’s awkward to think about curling iron tags: “For external use only”.
The salt and pepper packets at MacDons say “may contain salt/pepper.”

gummybeararmygeneral’s Sparkler of the Week goes to Nillabee for her amazing photography skills.

The Hero of the Week Award goes to maximumrandomness.