Your theater-loving-cardigan-wearing-SparkNotes-reading self is pumped for new “Glee” episodes. Sports? Not so much. But if you boycott football games, what are you going do on Friday nights? Lie on the couch and watch Tom Selleck’s mustache on “Blue Bloods,” or catch the latest creepy pedophiles on Dateline? It’s not like your social calendar is packed, so we suggest you subject yourself to the cramped bleachers and interact with humans. Games can be the perfect place to share meaningful glances with your dream love interest, who happens to look certifiably wifeable in her tiny cheerleading uniform, or gaze longingly at the tight end on the team, who literally embodies his position.
But in case you get bored between gazing shmexily and looking at all those field goal things, so we’ve got some ways to keep yourself entertained.
1. Every time you hear the words “touchdown,” pinch an unsuspecting spectator right before feigning excitement and complete interest in the victory dance of the dude who caught the ball.
2. Count how many proud moms are sporting gigantic pins of their prized children on their “GO TEAM” sweatshirts. Count double for moms wearing mom jeans and fanny packs. For all the points you get, buy that many hotdogs and pass them out to everyone near you. You’ll be known as a carnivore, but a really generous one.
3. File your nails. Pop Zits. Floss. You know, do all those hygienic things you like to put off because you’re too busy posting comments about Lea Michelle on message boards and making out with your pillow as you imagine Mr. Shue. You might not make any new friends at the games, but at least you’ll be clean.
4. Resist the urge to yell “PASSIVE” at the top of your lungs when the cheerleading squad goes into yet another rendition of the only cheer they know (“BE AGGRESSIVE, GOT TO BE AGGRESSIVE. Got to be A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E”). Instead, run a real time spell check and make sure they know what they’re doing. In fact, count all the grammatical errors in their limited cheerleading lexicon.
5. Don’t forget to count those cheerleaders' bellybutton rings, too. Lose yourself in their shimmery navels.
6. Make out under the bleachers. Nothing passes extra time like the sandpapery tongue of a nervous, sweating makeout buddy who hates sports just as much as you do.
7. If no one wants to swap spit with you, take it slower and challenge a cute person to a thumb-war tournament. By the time the playoffs roll around, you’ll be exploring the crevices of his/her mouth with your lizard-like tongue.
8. Think about other more boring activities you could be forced to be doing—vacuuming your house, watching outdated driver’s ed videos filmed in the ’80s, or reading and taking notes on Ivanhoe.
9. If the thought of painting your chest gold and black to show some school spirit makes you want to vomit, paint your chest the colors of your favorite imaginary team and show up anyway. Harry Potter’s Quiddich team, the Forks football team, or Space Jam’s toon team are all acceptable alternatives.
10. Storm the field when the team reigns victorious. High-five all the hard dudes, giving them fist bumps, back slaps, and friendly head nods, even if they do look like Situation wannabes. Sometimes it’s fun just to enjoy these nice little moments.
Do you like football? Loathe it? Tell us what games are like at your school.
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