Blogging Wuthering Heights: Part 14

Coffinmaker's column is back! And this week, we've got a special knife-gun-y pic from blacktophat! —Sparkitors

First, let me apologize to all my faithful readers for not posting for THREE DING-DARN WEEKS. Truth is, I've been something of a thespian since I was three and played the part of Young Hamlet in my preschool's production of Hamlet Becomes a Big Boy, which ended with me being stabbed with a sword, Young King Claudius killed via poisoned graham cracker, and Young Ophelia drowned in the toilet.

So, I've been pursuing my calling at the local community theater. And in my spare time, I've also been writing Wuthering Heights: The Musical. Would you care to hear a few highlights?

Mr. Earnshaw: Heathcliff! I've just found an orphan named Heathcliff! And suddenly that name, will never be the same, to meeeeeeeee!

Heathcliff: Bringing down households and frightening Isabella, being all broody when I hide in the cellar; foot-punching people until their heads ring—these are a few of my favorite things!

Linton: Oh it's a jolly 'oliday with Cathyyyy! Cathy makes your 'eart so light! When the day is gay and ordinary, Cathy cries or starts a fight! ...Oh crappiness is bloomin' all around her! If she killed me, sure I wouldn't mind! When Cathy slices off your hand, you feel so grand! Your 'eart starts beatin' like a big brass band!

And of course, no Wuthering Heights musical would be complete without...

The Knife Gun: Stabby bang bang, stabby-stabby bang bang
Stabby bang bang, stabby-stabby bang bang!
Stabby bang bang, stabby-stabby bang bang!
Oh. You. Fabby stabby bang bang we love you!

Chapter XIV

So, where were we? *Thumbs through book* Heathcliff ran away with Izzy, Izzy hates Heathcliff, knife-gun appeared, Heathcliff only married Izzy because she's heiress to the grange, knife-gun shone like lightning hitting a volcano, Hindley hates Heathcliff because his incessant gambling is driving him into debt to Heathcliff; knife-gun is part steel, part wood, part lead, and part demon; Linton disowned Izzy as his sister, and Izzy lusted after knife-gun (as anyone would).

This chapter starts out with Ellen going to Wuthering Heights with no message from Linton, who says there is nothing he can say to Izzy. She finds the forever-dreary house with an even more dreary Isabella inside.

Heathcliff is also there, and he hasn't for a moment given up on Cathy; neither does he hide from Izzy the fact that Cathy is the only woman he loves. Throughout the conversation (er, confrontation. Or maybe clash. Or preemptive strike. Or bomb raid. Whatever you want to call it), he shows how much he hates Izzy, and basically everyone but Cathy. Which is funny, because Cathy seems to hate everyone but Heathcliff...gasp! They were made for each other!

Nelly tells Heathcliff that Cathy hasn't been the same since her brain fever, and never will be again. "She'll never shake a baby, ever, Heathcliff." She says that Linton now simply takes care of her and loves her for the memory of what she once was. Which is...pretty sad, I have to say. I suppose that if Linton started eating a red velvet cake, only to find that the inside was actually spam , he'd finish eating it in memory of the frosting.

Heathcliff declares that his feelings for Cathy are so strong that none of that matters. He tells Nelly that before she leaves Wuthering Heights, she must promise to tell him when Linton is away so he can see Cathy.

Heathcliff becomes forceful, and in the end Nelly agrees to take a letter to Cathy, even though she's sure it will give her a relapse.

Nelly ends this part of her story, and Lockwood goes to bed musing about whether or not Cathy's daughter, whom he was rather taken with at Wuthering Heights, will turn out to be like her mom.

Smeyer's thoughts after reading this chapter: Stephenie Meyer decides that her main character needs to go through a bout of insanity. This part actually stayed in Breaking Dawn, and is generally known as the part where Bella names her child Renesmee. The part that was taken out from the final draft was where Bella calls her child Smee for short.

My thoughts after reading this chapter: Did you know Heath Ledger was named after Heathcliff? His sister was named Cathy. And his parents were named Insane and Insane-ier. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

In Chapter XV: Heathcliff hires a brain therapist to help Cathy, and over time she becomes better. So that Linton doesn't catch on, however, she continues to act crazy in his presence, eating jelly beans backwards, telling him her left butt cheek leads a more dangerous life than her right, and quoting Glenn Beck.

Meanwhile, I strap rockets to the knife gun and we sail across the galaxy together to save a race of sentient Cheez-Its from an enemy fleet of mattresses carrying armies of dust mites.

The dangerous lives of butt cheeks?!??!?! Aren't you so happy he's back?!