Live! From the Homecoming Red Carpet

Thanks for joining me for our special edition of Live! From the Red Carpet. We’re outside Niles West High School in Skokie, Illinois, and the crowds of teenagers, their dates, and their emotional baggage are starting to pour in. Emerging from vehicles that range from parents' mini-vans to party buses complete with poles, everybody looks fierce in their dresses from Macy’s, Nordstrom, and the Salvation Army. I predict this year we will see fewer feathery hair accessories, and more one-shouldered dresses with oversized flowers. And now, here comes Niles West's answer to Mr. Shue from Glee! It's...

Mr. Chare, who's wearing the same suit his mother bought him for his graduation from Illinois State in ’95. It's a bit tight across the midsection, but hey, it's vintage, and arranging a classical rendition of “Hit Me Baby One More Time” for the fall concert is definitely cause for stress eating. Mr. Chare's rocking a hoop earring with a diamond skull; he's definitely going for the rocker look. Maybe tonight he’ll finally seal the deal with the cardigan-wearing guidance counselor.

Now sauntering toward us is CeCe Williams and his date Tasha Butler. CeCe is looking SEX-CE in his purple tux. He’s got one hand on the small of Tasha’s back, and a cane in the other hand. In place of his football helmet, he’s rocking a top hat. Tasha is wearing a slinky black number with a perfect circle cut out at her navel. She’s sporting a Cartier diamond bellybutton ring in the shape of a crown, which can only mean she plans on being crowned homecoming queen.

Next on the carpet is Jade Sanders, fresh off a bitter battle with her ex-boyfriend, Jason Harris, lead singer of the garage band 2KFC. He’s against all things mainstream except fried chicken. Jade shaved her head for tonight’s event, and is wearing a red dress with fishnet tights and combat boots. We call her look "Amy Winehouse chic," which is a nice way of saying "scary." Still, we love Jade because she came alone, and even had the cajones to cut out pictures of Jason and paste them to her recyclable tote bag. We hope these two can work it out and become the next big indie couple.

OMG, I can’t believe it—Frank Garrity and Mary-Kate Garrity just pulled up in Frank’s Mom’s Honda Odyssey. Niles West is alive with talk that these two are actually—wait for it—cousins. While that may be legal is some states, the students of Niles West are totally grossed out. There’s really no proof other than the same-last-name thing, but we love dumb gossip and clothes. We’ll have more on this breaking story later.

What would the red carpet be like at your homecoming?

Related post: The 5 Types of Homecoming Date