11ksande, you totally NAILED "The Guy Who Stands By The Food." Er, we mean, thank you for this stunningly accurate portrayal of a rarely-seen social hierarchy. —Sparkitors
Company picnics are normally quite painful. On the plus side, though, they are prime locations for people-watching. If you ever end up at one accidentally, or break into one because there is nowhere in your town to practice your exotic animal photography hobby, see if you can find the following specimens:
Stressed Hostess: This person has the largest, fakest smile at the party and is constantly running back and forth, spooning out lumps of potato salad. If you are related to the Hostess, do not talk to her, as her goal will be to make you as miserable as she is. If you're not related to her, feel free to strike up a conversation, as she'll usually give you a chocolate chip cookie and ask at least 13 times "So, are you enjoying yourself?"
The Kids on the Sugar High: These creatures have evolved so that their mouths are perpetually open. This allows for maximum sugary snacking, which, in turn, gives them the energy to sustain their piercing screams for hours. Said shrieks cause anyone within a 10-foot radius to go instantly deaf. While you will count only one Kid at the beginning of the party, there will eventually be eight. My guess is, like bacteria, these creatures reproduce through binary fission every hour.
The Brat and His/Her Mom: The Brat can easily be confused with the Kid on the Sugar High. However, its distinguishing feature is its favorite sentence (“IT'S NOT FAIR!”) and its constant temper tantrums. Mother of the Brat is generally either shushing the Brat while promising it candy later if it will “just-be-quiet-PLEASE,” or hiding in the bathroom in shame.
The Anti-Social Teen: This person has been forced to go to the picnic and is not at all happy about it. He or she will go straight to a seat in the corner and remain there with his arms crossed for the rest of the afternoon, listening to his iPod and scowling while nibbling on carrot sticks. Any attempts to converse with The Anti-Social Teen will be ignored.
The Guy Who Stands by the Food: The Guy Who Stands by the Food will never move from the buffet table. He may not even be eating (though he usually is) but he feels the food needs to be guarded from inferiors like you and me, as there may be a devastating food shortage in the near future.
The Boss (and the Suck-Up): The Boss will be wearing a formal jacket, even if it’s 98 degrees outside, causing him to be profusely sweaty. He usually sports a com-over that has been ruffled by the wind and looks like gray yarn glued to his head by a kindergartner. When talking about The Boss, one must always remember to mention his constant companion, the parasitic Suck-Up. The Suck-Up is easily recognizable by not only his invariable close proximity to The Boss, but also by the fact that he is usually either running errands, twitching, or laughing at bad jokes.
11ksande seems to have covered all the picnic bases! Can you think of anyone she missed?
Related post: How To Survive A Party
Topics: Life
Tags: parties, jobs, bosses, people-watching, picnics, little kids
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