Once upon a time, a lonely blonde blog editor named Emma sat at her desk, trying to create a refuge for clever and curious teens. She found Dan Bergstein and Auntie SparkNotes, and soon, dozens of kids started reading SparkLife. And she thanked them with this post. As the blog grew and hundreds of teens started reading, new editors were hired, and Comments We Love morphed into a little weekly feature called The Friday Awards.
The blog continued to blossom, and soon THREE editors spent hours preparing the awards each week for the thousands of readers. Then interns got involved, too. Then, SparkNotes editors started working all night, sleeping under their desks, bathing in the cafeteria sink, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches through giant straws so they could format The Friday Awards for 16 hours without stopping.
And that's when it got out of control.
Nowadays, there are simply too many amazing Sparklers to read through all of their comments and give each of 'em what he/she deserves—a swift kick in the lymph nodes a Friday Award. You're just too clever for your own good, Sparklers, and our droopy little brains can't keep up with you anymore. So, we'd like to give a FINAL, JET SKI-SIZED FRIDAY AWARD to all Sparklers who read this post.
Wait, don't cry!
Like Buddha said, whenever one blog dies, a new blog is born. Read on to get the skinny on the NEW Friday series from Chelsea D.
—Emily
You're probably still reeling from the loss, so take a minute, blow your nose on your sleeve, and furiously break whatever valuable heirlooms are in your immediate vicinity (but steer clear of Grandma's fabergé egg—that thing is worth more than your life).
Ok, minute's up. Feel better? Great. Feel worse? It's probably because you have shards of your mother's highly collectible Little Women plate sticking out of your neck. Pull those suckers out, take a deep breath, and cool your jets: It's time to let go of the past and move onto the future, and the future, friends, is lookin' bright. Sure, the Friday Awards are over, but we're not just gonna leave you high and dry in the desert of their absence. The Sparkitors have conspired, and we've decided to institute a brand new series for you to love, obsess over, and become unhealthily attached to, only to one day have it ripped from your unsuspecting embrace (too soon for that joke?).
We're going to call it Interview With a Sparkler, and it's going to be just that movie like Interview with a Vampire, only with less gratuitous violence, more belly laughs, and fewer appearances by the vastly more lucid Tom Cruise of our yesteryears. Every Friday, Chelsea Dagger will present you, the Sparklers, with a set of interview questions, and the following Friday, she'll publish the best, most hilarious, most unique answers. You'll get to know each other's deepest, un-darkest secrets, you'll get to see your name in lights (here, "lights" means "content published to a wildly popular website," but that's sort of a mouthful), and you'll have something new and fascinating to intrigue and delight you every week. It's GENIUS, right? OF COURSE IT IS. Here is the first-ever set of Interview With A Sparkler questions, written just for you (and your bajillions of peers) to respond in witty emails to Chelsea:
1. Explain, using a haiku, the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you.
2. List your nicknames in chronological order.
3. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
4. In 20 seconds or less, draw a picture of your own face.
5. What's the worst present you've ever received?
6. What is your favorite book, movie, and song of all time? You may only chose one of each, or Mars (yes, the planet) will explode.
7. If you had to pick a character from the Twilight series to marry, whom would you pick, and why? (Again, you can't opt out, unless you want the destruction of a PLANET on your conscience).
8. On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you about the upcoming release of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 1?
9. If you could tell Harry Potter one thing, what would it be?
10. When's your birthday?
So you can get the gist of things, Chelsea Dagger conducted this interview with herself (she's a raging narcissist, so it was basically a dream come true):
1. Explain, using a haiku, the most embarrassing thing ever to happen to you.
I told all the kids
I could fly. Tommy M. said
"Prove it." 4th grade sucked.
2. List your nicknames in chronological order.
Cheesy, Squirrel #2, "Poof Baby Poof, Raise the Roof Baby Roof," DJ FunkMasta C, Captain Geech, Broccoli Jr., Dr. Broccoli.
3. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Bacon cheeseburgers topped with french fries topped with tiramisu, because I could carefully deconstruct all the layers and have a perfectly nutritional meal.
4. In 20 seconds or less, draw a picture of your own face.
5. What's the worst present you've ever received?
I asked for my own vending machine and got a Bake Your Own Bugs kit instead. On the upside, I am now the country's foremost baker of bugs. Always a silver lining.
6. What is your favorite book, movie, and song of all time? You may only chose one of each, or Mars (yes, the planet) will explode.
Book: Chelsea Dagger Wins The Noble Peace Prize: A Biography By Her Loving Husband, Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Movie: The movie adaptation of the book listed above, with my role played by Denzel Washington.
Song: Chelsea Dagger. DUH.
7. If you had to pick a character from the Twilight series to marry, whom would you pick, and why? (Again, you can't opt out, unless you want the destruction of a PLANET on your conscience).
Probably that hot one with the ponytail who dies in the first movie, because he seems like a cheap date.
8. On a scale of 1 to 10, how excited are you about the upcoming release of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 1?
On a scale of 1 to 10, I am a "After 3 years of work, I have finally completed my Dumbledore Resurrected costume, but I've yet to properly test my animatronic Dobby robot and rig my scrapyard Ford Anglia with working wings." So, like, a 7?
9. If you could tell Harry Potter one thing, what would it be?
Dude, call me.
10. When's your birthday?
June 25, 1987. But you can send me presents whenever. I'm still pulling for that vending machine.
Got the idea? GREAT. Now send your own interview answers to Dagger at caaron[at]book.com. You may also include a picture of yourself, but only if your mom says it's okay, because sometimes moms send us really mean emails. And don't forget to include your username, any textbooks you happen to have on animatronic robotics, and all the gum balls you can find. OH, and one more thing: we'll still be doing weekly birthday announcements, but in order to get a shout-out, you MUST send Chelsea a notification email sometime during the week of your birthday. Otherwise no one will know you exist, and you won't get any confetti cake.
Topics: Life
Tags: friwards, friday awards
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