Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 14
Chapter Fourteen: You Know Things Are Bad When You feel Guilty For Being Rude to Vampires
Bella's Title: Mournful Sadness River
Yes! On page 269 (the second page of the chapter), directly in the middle of the page, Stephenie Meyer mentions jet packs! Jacob is telling us how difficult it is staying with the vampires. He says, "It was hard not being able to just jet back home and grab another pair of old sweatpants." Clearly Meyer meant to write "jet pack" but made a slight typo. Clearly.
So thank you, Ms. Meyer, for finally admitting what I always knew was true: Werewolves have jet packs. This is the best book in the entire world! And this chapter is amazing because not only are jet packs openly discussed, but there's a great deal of breakfast going on. Breakfast and jet packs!? Merry Christmas to Dan!
Did this chapter make anyone else hungry? After reading, I was tempted to make omelets, but I couldn't because I was out of apple pie filling and candy corn. (I make amazing omelets.) The chapter didn't serve any real purpose, so the highlight was Seth gulping down big bites of delicious breakfast, including cinnamon rolls the size of Frisbees. Sadly, the focus of the chapter isn't just breakfast.
Jacob is bummed because he doesn't have a home. The vampires are nice enough to give him clothes and food, but he doesn't want their charity. Robocop is not mentioned.
See? I could have written this entire chapter in three sentences. Instead, Jacob keeps talking and thinking and talking and thinking for what feels like 500 pages. I know things are rough for The Thunder, but crying about it will fix nothing.
And why can't Jacob go home? He left the pack, and Sam isn't wearing a Team Jacob shirt any more, but that doesn't mean Jake needs to live on the loam, does it? Wouldn't his dad love to see him and welcome him home if only for a few nights? Didn't Jared say that Sam is going to wait until Optimus Beyonce is born before he attacks the Cullens? (Side note: Optimus Beyonce is now in my spell check system.) So why all this, "Ain't got no home," talk? Answer: Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Sorry, Jake. I don't feel bad for you. Besides, you have a jet pack and omelets, and we all know it. So unless you feel like sharing, suck it up, chump.
Jacob returns to the Cullen house after his meeting with Jared and finds some clean clothes piled on the porch for him. The Cullens feel guilty that Jacob left the pack in order to protect the vampires, so they want to make him as comfortable as possible. Jake begrudgingly takes the clothes and beats them against a tree to try and get the vamp stench off of them. The shirt and pants are too short, and as I screamed into the book, "Rip the pants and make them shorts," I realized that perhaps the others in my barber's waiting area didn't appreciated my commentary.
Jacob enters the Cullen house and sees that Bella is no longer in a hospital bed. She's back on the couch and looking much healthier. Bella tells him he needs to sleep, and Jacob is about to leave (on his jet pack) to get some rest when Edward calls out after him. Edward wants Jake to know that the Cullens will feed, clothe, and shelter Jacob, Seth, and Leah. Ugh. My eyes are rolling right now, as are my knees. I'm sick of all the pleasantries.
Can someone tell me if Jacob and Edward ever engage in battle with each other? Tell me. I don't care if you spoil the entire story. I just need to know. There are only a few hundred pages left in this book, and with Edward and Jake acting like Frodo and Samwise, the only fight they'll have is over who gets to hold Bella's barf bucket. Any minute now, Jake will say, "Oh Edward…" while carrying a magic ring to Mt. Doom.
No, wait. Don't spoil it for me! Don't! Let me hold on to my hope. It's all I have left.
Jakes laughs off the hospitality, and he is about to transform into a wolf so he can sleep, but as he strips down to his naked body that I in no way find attractive or sexual, Bella screams, and both Eddie and Jake rush to see what's wrong.
Bella is in severe pain because Optimus Beyonce broke one of her ribs. Carlisle wants to X-ray Bella to make sure she's OK, and I'm left wondering four things:
1. Is it safe to X-ray a pregnant woman's chest?
2. Is it safe to do this at your house?
3. Why would you have an X-ray machine in your house?
4. Is omelet the best word ever?
(Answers: 1. Because vampires have two extra chromosomes. 2. Because Bella loves Edward. 3. Magic. 4. Yes.)
As Bella is upstairs having her fetus irradiated, Jacob sits on the floor and nearly passes out from exhaustion. Alice comes down to visit him, and Jake remarks that it's odd how Alice avoids Pregnant Bella. He asks Alice why, and she says the fetus gives her a headache. (Good!)
Alice's ridiculous powers don't work on werewolves. We know that. But her powers are also blinded by Optimus Beyonce. She can't see Bella's future, or the future of the baby. And it somehow hurts her head. (Good.)
Does this mean Optimus Beyonce is part werewolf? Probably not. Jacob and Bella never shared a special hug, unless Stephenie Meyer glossed over this fact because sex makes her giggle and blush.
I think the real reason Alice is affected by Optimus Beyonce is that O.B. is some sort of supreme magical chosen one, like Harry Potter, Neo from The Matrix, or Grover. (In an unaired episode of Sesame Street, the mighty Grover laid waste to his enemies using mind-fire.)
Jacob is too tired to slap Alice in the face and yell, "You make no sense!" Instead, he falls asleep for almost 24 hours. When he wakes up, Seth is sitting on the couch with Bella munching on omelets and cinnamon rolls.
The Cullens offer Jacob some breakfast but he refuses, and is about to go hunt with Leah when Carlisle stops him. Dr. Cullen needs some advice. His family must go out hunting for animal blood, but they don't want to upset Sam and the other werewolves. Jacob suggests that the vampires hunt during the day, when the wolves will least expect it, and go out together as a group.
Oh yeah. That's a great idea. What better way to keep vampires a secret than by hunting together in a giant group during the day? I'm sure the various hikers and hunters in the woods will see the sparkling family and assume they are just a company of Adam Lambert fans who love eating raw animals. Yep. This is a good idea. (Sarcasm hand.)
I would ask why the Cullens don't hop a plane to Canada and do their hunting up North, but the answer would probably involve chromosomes and/or love-magic.
Carlisle says they can't leave Bella unprotected, so they will hunt in groups of three. Jake thinks he can protect Bella, but doesn't feel like arguing. As he's leaving, Esme hands him a casserole dish of food. He walks out thinking that the Cullens are actually decent people. Little does he know that the Cullens sit idly by while thousands of innocent people are killed by the Volturi in Italy, and that one of those victims was probably a single mother just trying to make it in this topsy-turvy world. Good on ya, Cullens.
Murmurs: 3 (Book total: 33)
Mutters: 2 (Book total: 23)
The Cullens continue to care for Bella and her every need.
BELLA: I don't feel well.
CARLISLE: What's wrong?
BELLA: My wisdom tooth is impacted.
CARLISLE: Not to worry. I installed a dental chair in the house a few years ago. You know, just in case. We'll get you prepped and have that sucker out in no time.
BELLA: And somehow I spilled sulfuric acid on my leg.
CARLISLE: No sweat. Why do you think I built that chemical shower last month?
CARLISLE: And in case you crave pterodactyl milk, I cloned a pterodactyl, milked it, and then shot it, because 'dactyls are dangerous.
BELLA: Thanks, Carlisle.
CARLSILE: Please, call me dad.
CARLISLE: By the way, I think we should replace your liver with a new, cuter one. I just happen to have a cute liver in the fridge.
BELLA: [ON THE PHONE] Hello? Oh hi…Charlie. Yeah, I'm fine.... No, I'm not going to die... Yes, I'm sorry that I haven't called you at all and that you've been living in constant state of fear for the past month.
CARLISLE: Psst. Hey Bella, I thought you might like to meet Orlando Bloom, so I kidnapped him. You know. Just in case. He's in the basement…dressed as a pirate.
BELLA: [ON THE PHONE]: Listen, Charles. I'm kinda busy right now. My new daddy is way better than you. So this is the last time we will ever speak. Adios.
This is the last time we will ever tell you (sarcasm hand) that Dan's Blogging Twilight archives are here. Adios.