Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 13
Chapter Thirteen: Good Thing I've Got a Strong Stomach
Bella's Title: Air of the Wind
Thankfully Bella's child grows at a rapid pace, because it's only been about a month, and already this pregnancy feels as long and tedious as an after-lunch physics class. Pop this kid out already. We don't need to hear Jacob and Edward go on and on about how sick and awful Bella looks. We don't need to be reminded that the child, Optimus Beyonce, is killing Bella. Why? Because we know Bella is going to be fine. This book doesn't take risks. No one dies in this story. And nothing bad ever happens to Bella. Breaking Dawn is like an overprotective parent who won't let her kid chew gum because the gum might contain spider eggs. Stephenie Meyer will never let bad things happen to her characters, unlike J.K. Rowling, who isn't afraid to off a few good guys for the sake of telling a gripping tale.
So stop all this "she's not going to make it" nonsense. And let's see the epic werewolf vs. vampire battle. Please?! I've been good all year. I've done my chores. I've paid my taxes. I didn't push that old guy onto the subway tracks even though I could have and gotten away with it. I eat my vegetables. I'm a good person. So where's my battle scene?
The first part of this chapter is about Bella drinking human blood. The Cullens have some lying around, and as Rosalie and Carlisle run through the house trying to fetch a cup of blood, Jacob has a few moments to talk with Bella. I don't know why it takes the vampires so long to get the blood ready. Aren't they super fast?
While Rosalie and Carlisle are off making a quilt or perhaps reading War and Peace, Jacob tells Bella that Leah is part of his pack now. Bella isn't keen on this new addition, because she knows Leah hates vampires. But Jake says Leah must obey his commands, so Belly has nothing to worry about. During this conversation, Rose is probably upstairs playing Tetris or maybe organizing her shoes or watching the 18-hour director's cut of Inception that includes 16 hours of Leo saying, "I love her! My mind is screwy!" But one thing she's not doing is getting Bella's blood cocktail ready.
Edward tells Rose not to use a clear cup, because he doesn't want Bella to get a good look at the blood. So maybe Rose is using this time to sculpt a cup out clay and fire it in the kiln. Why would the Cullens have cups? They don't use them. They don't even need a kitchen. Or toilets. If I never needed to use a toilet or a kitchen, I wouldn't waste space by putting one in my house. Instead, I would install a recording studio/ninja gym/puppet workshop. (Right now, I'm using my bedroom, but it gets tricky when my puppets start leaking. My puppets are kind of messy.)
Jacob makes some snide comments about Rose. He thinks she doesn't care if Bella lives or dies, as long as she gets Optimus Beyonce. Bella tries to defend Rosalie, but we all know Jacob is telling the truth. Rose is a b-word. (And I don't mean bloviate. Or do I? No. No, I don't.)
After about five minutes in human time, or six hours in vampire time, Carlisle and Rosalie finally bring Bella the blood. What follows is a gross scene in which Bella first sniffs the blood, then drinks it through a straw, making milkshake-sucking noises at the end. She doesn't mind the taste. In fact, she enjoys it, and chugs a second cup.
Actually, this wasn't that icky. Instead, it was confusing. Where's Jasper? You remember Jasper, right? He's the vampire that went bugnuts insane when Bella suffered a minor paper cut. You'd think seeing an entire cup filled with ruby red blood would send him into a spiral of insanity in which he would kill Bella, the Cullens, Jacob, all the people of the world, and most apes. But Jazzy isn't mentioned at all. Maybe he's no longer tempted by human blood because he's moving sideways.
It's never revealed where the Cullens got the human blood. I assume Dr. Cullen swiped it from the hospital, although perhaps Emmett is in the backyard holding a person down as Carlisle kills the victim with an ax while saying, "This is called the Volturi Handshake!"
The blood seems to do the trick, and seconds later, Bella is feeling better and stronger. She looks to Jacob and wonders when he slept last. Jake can't remember, and Bella tells him to sleep upstairs in one of the beds. They gloss over the reason why the Cullens have multiple beds, with Jacob theorizing that Rosalie loves to hang on to to her humanity. Except I think a few books ago Bella or Edward said the house had no beds at all. Regardless, the awful vamp stench is too strong, so Jacob declines the offers, saying he'll sleep outside on the loam.
Jacob is about to leave and get some sleep when he hears Leah and Seth howling in the distance. Without thinking, he darts out the door and transforms into a werewolf, shredding his only pair of shorts in the process. Uh-oh!
Using their mind-thoughts, Seth and Leah tell Jake that three or four wolves are approaching. They rush out to meet them, but one of the evil wolves has transformed into human form, which means this isn't an attack.
Damn. There are only two things better than a vampire vs. werewolf battle, and that's a werewolf vs. werewolf battle, or a nine-headed dragon vs. Emmett battle. And I'm beginning to suspect we won't see any of these in this book. *sigh* At this point, I'd even accept a fight with a four-headed dragon or a one-headed dragon that had nine knees and three lungs.
Jake and his pack find Jared (in human form), Quil, Collin, and Paul (in werewolf form). The meeting is tense, and Jacob doesn't want to transform into a human until he knows it's safe. So Jared does all the talking while Quil probably hums the theme to Elmo's World softly to himself.
It seems things back at werewolf headquarters are little rocky since Jake left, and Sam wants The Thunder to come back home. According to Jared, Sam isn't going to attack the Cullens now, and instead they will wait until after Optimus Beyonce is born to see how things turn out. That doesn't make any sense because it makes too much sense.
Jake then orders Leah to run a patrol, making sure the other wolves aren't attacking right now. But he really wants Leah to leave so that he can transform into a human. Jacob will be naked when he switches forms, and isn't comfortable with a girl seeing his business. I don’t blame him. This is why I scream, "Go run a patrol," to the sales associate at the Gap before I try on clothes in the changing room.
Leah makes fun of Jacob's modesty, but does as she's told, and when she's out of sight, Jacob returns to his naked human form, with his warm skin stretching and moving like an ocean of pure sex, the muscle just above his thigh calling out to you as the cool forest air makes tiny droplets of dew appear on his abs, abs that look like six tiny scoops of coffee ice cream that you just can't help but…um. I was just kidding about all that. I swear. Sarcasm hand! Sarcasm hand! See? I was kidding. Sarcasm hand! Girls are great because they are attractive and female.
Nude Jacob and Clothed Jared talk things over. Even though this section includes five werewolves, it's still boring. Everything is so drawn out and repetitive. When the meeting is over, nothing has changed. Sam and his pack will leave Jacob and The Red Barons alone until Optimus Beyonce is born. After that, Jacob thinks the Cullens will move out of the area, and the werewolves won't have any trouble. Jared says they'll wait and see.
Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 30)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 21 )
Nothing bad will ever happen in this book. One day, Harry Potter finds Bella crying alone in the gutter.
HARRY: What's wrong, miss?
BELLA: Everything! My life is horrible.
HARRY: Are you crying because your parents were killed trying to save you?
BELLA: No. But my parents got divorced and now my dad can't make dinner for himself. So it's kind of the same thing.
HARRY: Are you upset because every father figure you've had was murdered?
BELLA: No. But this one time I fell down playing volleyball. So I know what that feels like.
HARRY: Did you spend your childhood unloved, living in a closet?
BELLA: No. My parents love me, and everyone I ever met adores me.
HARRY: Are you sad because you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and if you mess up even a little bit, millions of people will die?
BELLA: No. I'm sad because I married the man of my dreams, a modern day Prince Charming who is wealthy, strong, and gorgeous.
BELLA: But wait. It gets worse. I also have strong feelings for this other guy.
HARRY: Relationships are tough. I liked this one girl who already had a boyfriend, and then I witnessed her boyfriend's murder. It made things awkward.
BELLA: You don't understand.
HARRY: Guess not. But here's something I do understand. Stupefy!
[Bella falls over. Harry notices something across the street.]
HARRY: Hey you! Why are you dressed as Hagrid and sneaking into the windows of little kids? And why are you telling them that they're wizards?
QUIL: Um…Gotta go. Bye!
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