VMAs Recap: Passive Aggression and Bieber on Drums

Was anyone else bored by last night’s MTV Video Music Awards? Since Kanye behaved well and Mel Gibson wasn’t invited, there was no shocking, oh-my-God-did-you-see-that? moment. Lady Gaga’s outfits were interesting, but by now, that’s what we expect from Lady G. It would have been more outrageous had she worn a pair of jeans and a Gap sweatshirt. But Gaga’s “Bad Romance” did deservedly sweep the awards, so we won’t pick on her too much.

In case you missed the show, or just fell asleep during it, here’s what you missed:

Eminem’s opening performance was OK, but Rihanna’s voice was a bit off. Which is a shame, because that’s the only good part of the song. (Sorry, Em, but your “I’m tough and my life is tough and my relationships are volatile” shtick went out in 2002.) And while “Not Afraid” did take home the award for best male video, we are tired of rappers doing this same song format again and again:

Rap Rap Rap
Rap Rap Rap
Beautiful, talented singer adds two sentences and then prances around the rapper.
Rap Rap Rap
Rap Rap Rap

You get the idea. (Alica Keys and Rihanna should team up and go on tour singing just their few sentences from various rap songs. The entire tour would last 20 minutes.)

Chelsea Handler was a great host who seemed right at home on stage in front of people she probably doesn’t care about or even know. Though someone on Facebook thought our own Chelsea Dagger would have been a better choice to host, and we cannot agree more.

Justin Bieber, who by this time next year will be hanging out with Aaron Carter at Quiznos, sang that song. No, not the song about smiling. That other song. The one that isn’t about smiling. By the way, if you squint your ears when you listen to that smiling song, it sounds like he’s singing about a smelly girl. Try it!

His performance wasn’t bad, but why did he play the drums at the end? He’s like a little kid at Thanksgiving who keeps hounding his grandpa: “Grandpa! Grandpa! I can juggle! Wanna see me juggle?! Grandpa! Are you watching? Look! I can juggle! Look!”

So to Mr. Bieber, we say: Yes. We saw you play the drums. That’s very good, and we’re all so proud of you. Now please stop messing around and pass the mashed potatoes.

Taylor Swift’s appearance was perhaps the highlight of the show, as she took thinly-veiled jabs at Kayne West in her new song, “Innocent.” Good for her, though the entire Kanye vs. Swift battle is as tired as a three-toed sloth after it eats a big meal.

Speaking of Kanye, funnyman Aziz Ansari wasn’t afraid to poke fun of Kanye during his introduction. Aziz tweeted that Kanye approved the intro, which means Mr. West isn’t as big of an egotistical monster as we thought.

Throughout the night, there were awkward presentation speeches (see how we’re taking the high road and not bashing Ke$ha? See? See? We can be nice, too), but the acceptance speeches were pretty short and to the point. That’s good. But Bieber’s speech could have simply been, “I want to thank my cuteness and my hair, without whom I would not be standing here.”

That’s about all you missed. Oh, and Cher showed up, causing much of MTV’s current audience to ask collectively, “Who is that man?” If your favorite band or musician didn’t win, remember that the VMAs aren’t a real awards show. In fact, MTV doesn’t even play music. So this entire pageant is like the Food Network airing a street hockey tournament.

If our summary of the events wasn’t good enough, you can turn the TV on right now, and a rerun of the VMAs will pop up. It’s magical that way.

Did you watch the VMAs? What did you think?

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