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Condensed Classics = AWESOME

Condensed Classics = AWESOME

By Contributor

princess_caroline21, you may have just changed our lives FOREVER.—Sparkitors

If you're anything like me, you despise required reading, and if you despise required reading, you'll adore the concept of "condensed books." They're dialogues that convey the plot and theme of your abhorred reading assignment in a few short sentences. Sound enticing? It should. Here are a few examples I whipped up for your reading pleasure:

Book: Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Condensed Version:
Romeo: Let's get married, although we've only known each other for approximately six hours! And I am creeping outside of your window, in the wee hours of the night! And our families hate each other!
Juliet: Okay!
(They get married. Due to their excessive lust, lack of punctuality and communication, and extreme hormonal issues, they die.)
THE END

Wasn't that great? Let's try another one!

Book: Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
Condensed Version:
Heathcliff: ANGST.
Catherine: I love you!
Heathcliff: MORE ANGST. But I love you.
(Catherine marries some random guy. Heathcliff, in an angst-filled rage, marries some random girl to spite Catherine. He also leaves said random girl in an angst-filled rage. More things happen... but seriously? That Joseph guy? What is he even saying? *Note to Emily Bronte: I AM NOT FROM YORKSHIRE. I CANNOT UNDERSTAND THIS MAN. AT ALL. WHATSOEVER.)

Reader:...Wait, why does everybody love Heathcliff?
THE END

See how it works? The whole plot, theme, analysis of major characters, etc., in about thirty seconds of reading. Nifty, eh? How about one more, just for fun:

Book: Twilight by  Stephenie Meyer
Condensed Version:
Bella: Even though I have no personality whatsoever, and I just moved here, every boy in Forks wants to go out with me. Except Edward Cullen, who won't even look at me during class. What a jerkwad.
(Without Bella's knowledge, Edward Cullen sneaks into her room. And. Watches. Her. SLEEP.)
Edward: Bella, I love you. Plus, I'm a vampire. The only reason I couldn't look at you during class is that you smell really awesome and it made me want to eat you. I may be a creeper who sneaks into your room at night, but I am not a jerkwad.
Bella: Although every time you make out with me, I have a high chance of sudden death, I'm not afraid. At all. And when you come into my room at night, it makes me feel so safe, and the bad dreams go away!
Edward: I'm a monster. You should be scared of me.
Bella: Why? You sparkle, you dumba*#.
(The unfolding of a lame plot occurs. Edward saves Bella's life, but almost kills her while doing so.)
Bella: Oh, Edward! (Swoons)
THE END

My fellow Sparklers, I invite you to try your hand at this masterful craft; doing so will immerse you in the most blissfully nerdy few minutes of your life. It's also a great way to get revenge on required reading books by mocking them mercilessly. Here's a great site to get you started!

So, condensed classics: the greatest invention since Cheez-Its?

Related post: Ditch Your Summer Reading List

Topics: Books
Tags: twilight, romeo and juliet, wuthering heights, classic books, required reading

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