You've created MashIt.com, a site that generates perfect M.A.S.H. note responses! Or Turtlebook, the Facebook for turtles! Or Smoogle, the Google you can smell! Whatever your online business is, you're going to need the perfect name to attract the right audience, make an awesome marketing campaign, bump your traffic, go public, and make a bajiggityjillion dollars before you're 19. We're here to help you crystallize those dreams. (Or, at least, to keep you from being tied to the same stupid business name when you're 40.) Here we go:
No calendar dates, please! Unless your business is specifically related to a date on the calendar—breathe easy, 2012 fans—leave years out of it. Just think of that nerd who was like, "I'm naming my product Windows 2000. *snerk* That'll make it sound all cutting-edge and hip-fresh for the kids!" And remember how, even a few years later, that name made the product sound dated and useless and stone-age? Friends don't let friends go millennial.
Only use puns or jokes if they're really really good! Hyperbole and a half? Hilarious. HeydidyouheartheoneaboutthedeadbirdwhowascheepwaitI'mtellingitwrong.com? Not so much.
Be careful that your URL doesn't inadvertently spell something else! Cautionary tale: a few months ago, I passed a really pretty apartment high rise with an awesome name. Based on the website listed on the big banner draped out front (theoneillbuilding.com), I figured it was called The One Ill Building. How great! I thought. Architects are naming historical homes after Beastie Boys albums. New York City is the coolest! Except, I was totally wrong. It's actually called The O'Neill Building. See how a simple shift of emphasis turned something that was supposed to be elegant and schmantzy into something silly that sang a whole song about fighting for your right to party? Consider yourself warned.
Remember that you're going to be tied to the same stupid business name when you're 40! I know www.feepmeowkittymeowfertz.com sounds like a great name for your social networking site right now, but let's say your site catches on like wildfire. Picture yourself at 25, rich beyond your wildest dreams, giving your first interview to CNBC.
Sparkly Reporter: How does it feel to be the youngest, coolest CEO in the world? And can you tell us a little more about your fantastic company?
You: Um. Which one?
Sparkly Reporter: Don't be shy. Tell us about your fabulous social networking site! What's it called again?
You: [mumble]...
Sparkly Reporter: What's that?
You: [whispering] Shushuhfewmf?
Sparkly Reporter: Can you speak up?
You: *sigh* www.feepmeowkittymeowfertz.com
Sparkly Reporter: Um. Wow. Back to you, Bob.
If all else fails, pick a name that says exactly what the site does! Does your site teach people stuff? How's about www.teachespeoplestuff.com? Or what about a business that provides walker dogs? www.dogwalker.com will do just fine. Think of General Electric! It's, like, the biggest company in the world, and you totally know what it does. It makes electricity happen in a general way! NBC, or National Broadcast Company, broadcasts something nationwide! Yahoo...makes...well, never mind that one. Sometimes, it's totally okay to leave all the fancy stuff out of it and just name your business for what it does. And provided that your company doesn't make meowkittymeows go feep or fertz, you're in luck.
What do you plan to name your online business?
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