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How to Name Inanimate Objects

How to Name Inanimate Objects

By Contributor

Thanks to you, blacktophat, this ed's computer is now called Prince Barnaby McSwigglesworth Junior the Third. Classy, right? —Sparkitors

iPods do have souls! And feelings. How do you think it makes your electronic devices and knick-knacks feel when you don’t deem them important enough to give them a name? Sad, lonely, and neglected. Sure, you might name your stuffed animals, but do you name things like your computer? Or your trusty music player?

More and more, people are realizing the importance of acknowledging their various possessions, but some just don’t know how. Here are some types of names that will help you finally give your objects befitting monikers.

The Catchy Name
The Catchy Name has four parts: A first name, then the word “the,” an adjective, and then the object itself. This works best when you use the same first letter for each word. For example, I have Norman the Nomadic Nook, and Sheldon the Shifty Shuffle. See? It’s easy.

The Simple Name
Bob, George, Fred, Billy, Joe, Billy-Bob-Joe. And so on. If you’re too lazy to think of a catchy name, or just want something quick and silly (there's something funny about an iPod named Bob, no?), the simple name is for you.

The Dead or Famous Person Name
How bout Edgar Allen Poe? J.K Rowling? Dan Bergstein? Those are all awesome names. Your inanimate friend would be honored to receive any of those.

The Fictional Person Name
Same principal as number three. Harry Potter, Mr. Darcy, and Warrior Princess Xena are all acceptable. However, there are some names that you won’t want to use. See below for details.

The Eloquent Name
This is the most pompous type. If you think that your laptop is far superior to that of your enemy in homeroom, name it something long and full of hot air. Like Fitzwilliam Johnathan Gerald “Lightening” Jamestown XLII. That’ll show him. Yes sir.

The Random Name
Name it after the first thing you see. Like Keys, Wall, Cloud, Pink, etc. Use this if you’re too lazy to even choose a simple name. That’s pretty lazy...

The Name That Should Never Be
There are some names that you just don’t want to use. It’s an insult to the object. Such names include Bella Swan, Hitler, Voldemort (he was only awesome in AVPM. I hated him in the books), Booger, Barf, Sparkle the Vampire, and Ursula the Seawitch. They’re all either offensive, or scarring, or just plain horrible.

When naming your inanimate object, please give it a name that it would appreciate. Purposefully giving it a horrible, stupid, or otherwise insulting name will get you bad karma. Who knows what your next nickname could be? I’d hate to be you the day your friends start calling you Whinypants Swan.

What are your gadgets named?

Related Post: Bad Pet Names: A Helpful Questionaire

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Topics: Life
Tags: sparkler posts, guides, names, how to, naming

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