How to Make Friends Who Hate Each Other Fall in Love
Shelly and Matt are your two best friends, which is weird, because they’re so totally different. Shelly always complains that her jeans stretch out after she wears them for 20 minutes, and it looks like she pooped in them. Your buddy Matt hates all complaining. In fact, he’s anti-negative, and is always doing things like saving the world and advocating dolphin rights. Shelly is totally into tortured souly guys with tattoos. Matt is into Hayden Panettiere and tie-dye. Shelly is all about beef jerky; Matt only eats what grows in the ground. Shelly is awesome at soccer; Matt’s into writing. Shelly is super loud, and sometimes you can hear her sneeze even when you’re in the next room; Matt thinks before he speaks, something you’re positive Shelly doesn’t even consider an option. Shelly and Matt are clearly different people, and on top of that, they actually hate each other.
Well, Matt says he “doesn’t hate anyone,” but if Shelly’s own particular breed of girl were on the endangered list, you can’t exactly imagine Matt holding a rally or even writing a letter. You’re clear how Shelly feels about Matt—she likes him about as much as she likes saggy diaper jeans. Still, something deep inside tells you they are destined to fall in love. Since you’re dating that sweet piece of meat on the debate team, why don’t you try to help your two friends figure out that their mutual disdain might be something more deep—something like love? That way you can have your two faves to double date with.
Here’s the plan:
- Plant some sexy seeds. Sometimes all a person needs to fall in like with someone is to hear that that someone likes them—it’s just very flattering. While your friends may have written each other off for too being weirdly into dolphins/beef jerky, it’s likely that deep down they find something about each other kind of attractive. Fan the tiny flame by telling Shelly that Matt’s digging her new skinny jeans and thinks she’s cute. Maybe she’ll see that Matt’s not as bad as she thought now that he “likes” her.
- Expose them. Show Matt that Shelly’s not really as dumb as she looks, and expose him to a different side of her—maybe take him to visit Shelly at her job at the apple orchard, where he can witness her do things like organize gourds, ring up customers politely, and wear a uniform. Take Shelly to Matt’s latest rally, and maybe she’ll fall in love when she sees him yell stuff. Having your friends expose their interesting hidden sides to each other is the most organic way to help them fall in love. And we have a feeling your friend Matt is into organic crushes—he likes his infatuations like he likes his veggies.
- Plan a date in the dark. Finding love is hard, especially when you can see the other person and all her negative attributes. Tell your friends about your idea to have a double date in the dark, just like that very dumb but highly entertaining show on ABC. Maybe they’ll click if Shelly can’t see Matt’s Grateful Dead t-shirt. Prep Shelly by telling her to be less obnoxious and more normal in the dark.
- Make them eat spaghetti from the same bowl. How can you not fall in love after that? Have you seen Lady and the Tramp, people?
- Get graphic: If you’ve dropped thousands of hints and have tried unsuccessfully to force Shelly and Matt to make out, you may have to make your case by doing what you do best: your homework. Make a presentation about why these two need to get together, and use charts to illustrate your points. Make a Venn diagram that concedes that Matt and Shelly have very different tastes in food and political ideologies, but share a mutual love for the ocean, jujubes, and yourself. Go ahead and Photoshop a “What if These Two Mated” picture and add it to your presentation (as long as the baby looks very Gerby and adorable).
Are you hatching a scheme to make your two besties fall in love?