Extreme Board Games
Let's face it: board games aren't exactly in their prime. Between phones, video games, and the internet, the only thing left for physical gaming is, like, Twister, because who's gonna play Internet Twister? Probably nerds, that's who.
Anyway, we took a break from Internet Twister to put together some ideas on how board games could be more completely extreme, or at least, you know, different. You should probably not try these at home, because some of them are too extreme, and others just will not work.
Original Version: A horrified, naked fat man suffers from countless bizarre ailments, and the player, who likely does not have a medical degree, must perform uninformed surgery on him or be shocked with electricity. A strange, cruel game.
Extreme Version: The game's already sort of unsettling, but that can be improved. The new goal is to add parts back into an empty setup until you've successfully returned every piece into a completely incorrect position, then to nickname your horrible creation (e.g. "Breadheart," "Pencilbones"). "Cursed, cursed creator! Why did I live?" your monstrosity will say.
Original Version: Scrabble is the game in which language nerds like us are finally good at something other than correcting people. Games of Scrabble will usually devolve into girlish slapfights over which internet terms count as actual words.
Extreme Version: Players make their own tiles beforehand by scrawling letters on notebook paper and then cutting them out, all while blindfolded. This adds an element of difficulty for players with good vocabularies, because you will definitely end up with an illegible mess of half-letters and something that looks like a 5, and what are you gonna spell with that, huh, smart guy? Also, anyone who loses a finger during the tile creation process is disqualified.
Original Version: Monopoly is the never-ending family game about wealthy inanimate objects (and one dog) trying to destroy one another and avoid prison. There are entirely too many editions of this game.
Extreme Version: Instead of a hat or a shoe or some junk, one of the players is now represented by one of those gruesome pewter figurines they sell in musty comic book stores. Instead of being forced to stay at hotels, it destroys them. The horrible monster cannot be imprisoned, but everything evens out, because it also cannot win the beauty contest.
Original Version: Backgammon is a classy-looking game that, um... has triangles, and some kind of game pieces. It comes in a case.
Extreme Version: The, er, backgammon ball is replaced by a slightly larger ball. Also, The Gammon is brought into play with ten extra hitpoints. (Okay, fine: we have never played backgammon.)
Original Version: The version most of us know is a bland, innocuous game in which players spend all their time driving around and trying to become rich, making it a pretty good representation of actual life. The original version, however, is a grim experience that predates the Civil War. Possible spaces you could land on included "Disgrace," "Ruin," and "Prison," which seems like something board game creators were really concerned about back in the day. The goal was to somehow make it to the impossibly old age of 50. Oh, and you lost immediately if you landed on "Suicide." This is not a joke.
Extreme Version: It would probably be unethical to get more extreme than that.
Which board games do you play?
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