SparkNotes Singalong: The World's Worst High School Fight Song

A confession: because I attended a high school where the football team was so terrible that the administration actually shut it down for several years out of embarrassment, and because my college didn't have a football team at all, I have missed out on one of the most important elements of a student's academic career:

Singing the school fight song.

Yep, that's right. I have NEVER done that. I have never known the unparalleled joy of sitting in the stands, waving a petite flag and sporting colorful face paint, singing my heart out for victory on the field. I have never joined my fellow classmates in memorizing the words to our musical call for athletic glory. I have never even (sob!) worn a big foam hand.

But now, I and other fight-song-deprived humans can finally get that experience we've been missing out on for so long. Because today we unearthed a lovely fight song that all of us can sing together, penned long ago for a school called... let's see... Douchebag High!

Huh. That sounds like a school full of... well, douchebags. Doesn't it? But no worries! I'm sure it will be just as fantastic as any traditional fight song for a really cool school like Notre Dame. Yep, this is gonna be great. Okay, is everyone ready? It goes like this:

Verse:
Storm the field and paint your face
Arm yourself with cans of mace
Wear your fiercest underthong
And raise your voice in our FIGHT SONG!
Our guys aren't the best at sports
But they sure look good in jorts
We will cheer them down the turf
'Til we're blue like Papa Smurf
When they score we'll shout "hooray!"
(When they lose we'll say they're gay.)

Chorus:
Fight 'em dirty! Fight 'em cheap!
Threaten to kill their family while they sleep!
Bite them with some plastic fangs!
Kick them in their tiny wangs!
Win the day for Douchebag High!
Or we'll make your sister cry.

...Guys! You stopped singing!
Guys?
Where'd you go?

Does your school have a better fight song than this? Do tell.

Related post: But Does It Have a Cute Mascot? Overlooked School Selection Criteria