How To Have A Totally Awesome One-Person Slumber Party

hubbabubba515, your one-person sleepover sounds better than any party we've ever been to. But that may be because we've only ever been to one party, and it wasn't a party so much as Spanish class. Oh well. —Sparkitors

You've been looking forward to Saturday night all week, and now it's finally time to PARTY. All of your friends are coming over, and you're going to play intense games of Scrabble and have Extreme Soda Chugging contests. If parties were cake, this cake would be covered in stars, chocolate, and 100 dollar bills made of sugar. This will be the craziest, most fun slumber party ever, and your 5 BFFs will be there for every second of it!

Well, except for Jane, because she's on vacation in Alaska. Oh, and Katie, because her cousin is getting married. And you’re pretty sure Susie isn’t going to show up, because, well, she never does.That just leaves Liz—oh, excuse me, the phone is ringing. "Hello? Yes? What was tha—oh. Wait, what? Explosive diarrhea? Oh. Um. No, it’s fine. Ok. Bye."

Looks like your  totally awesome slumber party has been reduced to The World’s Lamest Pity Party. Now you've got no choice but to spend the entire night sobbing, right? WRONG! I'm here to tell you to pull yourself together, wipe those tears, and DO NOT throw away that 12-pack of Coke or that huge bag of sour Skittles! Just because your friends have ditched you family emergencies, doesn’t mean you're going to bail on The Best Sleepover Ever. Here are some tips to turn a lame night (of weeping into your pillow while burning voodoo dolls of your friends at your Shrine Of Death) into a SLAMMIN,’ PIZZAZ-IN’ WICKED WILD PARTY OF COOLNESS.

1. Pretend your friends are there. Print out large pictures of them and tape them to pieces of cardboard. Refer to them by name, and take crazy photographs with them. Post them on Facebook with the captions like  “Good times!!” or “Our super awesome sleepover!”

2. Make culinary magic. Despite your admirable Gut Of Steel, there’s still no way you’re going to finish the 2oo pounds of ice cream, popcorn, and candy you bought. So separate the food into five piles, and name each pile after one of your friends. Then walk around the piles, pretending to be each friend in turn, and talking and gossiping to, well, yourself. Feel free to use different voices. This way, you still have tons of fun with your friends, you get to hear all the latest gossip, and you don’t have to worry about not finishing the food—you can just blame it on Jane, who eats like a bird. Oh, and this is important: DO NOT let your parents or anybody from school see you doing this.

3. Remember, the main point of a party is not to have fun—it’s to make everybody else jealous that they weren’t invited by developing loads of secret inside jokes. It's hard to make these up alone, so you're gonna have to fake it: take pictures of random objects, like a pencil sharpener or a shrunken head, and accessorize them with vague and totally meaningless captions like "Jane=roadblock! Get it gurrl!" or "Staplers are people too LOL!" Then post these photos on Facebook.

4. Of course, the other main point of sleepovers is that nobody sleeps. Ever. So obviously, you've got to pull an all-nighter. Watch a really scary movie, because it is physically impossible to fall asleep during a scary movie, or for 12 hours after watching aforementioned scary movie. You should also pig out on Red Bull, brownies, and helium. Warning: as the night goes on, you will probably become more and more hysterical. You may even break out into manic fits of laughter and begin tucking the cardboard versions of your friends into bed, because they can’t do it themselves.

5. THE NEXT DAY: It was all worth it! You finally hosted your very own one-person sleepover, and it was so much fun! Right? Guys? Now go online and see how those poor, lonely Facebook saps responded to your awesome sleepover photos. They are SO jealous!

Got any more ideas for making a one-person sleepover the greatest party of the year?

Related post: How To Throw a Proper Pity Party