Blogging Wuthering Heights: Part 12

Coffinmaker's joke to non-joke ratio continues to astound us. —Sparkitors

Chapter XII

Death! Elopement! Drama! Action! Sickness! Rabbits that look like kittens! Rats that look like Heidi Montag! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Wuthering Heights has it all.

Catherine was being sick in the last chapter, and Nelly (and I) dismissed it as just one of her things. But as this chapter begins, Nelly is starting to think that it's serious. Cathy is acting crazy—she's looking in the mirror and being scared of her own reflection, ripping open her pillows, and calling Nelly an elf. Which are not things that normal people do, but are things that my schizophrenic aunt Norma L. Peeple, who lives in Bangladesh, does often.

Nelly hasn't told Edgar Linton that she thinks it's something serious, and he buries himself in his books, thinking Cathy is just acting. When Nelly finally tells him, though, he becomes incredibly angry with her. She tries to defend herself, but Edgar will only blame her, and then Catherine tries to attack her, so she leaves the house.

...And finds some even more distressing news. As she's walking to Gimmerton, she runs into Mr. Kenneth, the doctor-parish-guy. He has appeared several times in the novel, both in the story Nelly is telling, and in Lockwood's experiences. Everyone except for Nelly seems to hate or fear him. I wonder if there's something about him that Bronte doesn't tell us. Maybe he wears his socks with the tags hanging out. That always gives me the creeps. I mean, who buys socks with tags on them?

Kenneth tells Nelly that an "informant" told him that Izzy and Heathcliff met in the garden outside the Grange late last night, and that Heathcliff pressed Izzy to run away with him. She only stayed his advances by saying that she'd be ready to leave by the next night.

Now, of course, you'd normally be thinking "Oh man, somebody just happened to be listening in on Isabella and Heathcliff's discussion? That's clearly a Dayoo Sex Machine, errrr Deus Ex Machina, or whatever you call those things." And I'm here to say that yes, that would normally be the case. But the fact is that Emily Bronte is not using a Dayoo Sex Machine, she is trying to tell us something. And you know what she's trying to tell us?

Kenneth is damn creepy, that's what she's trying to tell us.

What normal guy would have an informant who stays up late in gardens? Kenneth obviously has a spy network encircling Gimmerton, which is called the Bat Hawks (because bat hawks are awesome). They make it their mission to spy on every love triangle, love quadrangle, love rectangle, and love rhombus (those ones are super raunchy) in the whole town. Their motto: "Bat Hawks: We Got Da Guano On You."

In fact, Mr. Kenneth's (a.k.a. Daddy Fruit Bat) meeting with the informant (a.k.a. Little Bloodsucker) last night went something like this:

Daddy Fruit Bat: (giving the Bat Hawk Call) Eek! Eek! YUM.

Little Bloodsucker: Scree! Scree! GOMP.

DFB: You got the scoop for me tonight, Li'l B.?

LB: The fly is going to run off with the spider tomorrow. Couldn't catch when.

DFB: Interesting. Does the fly's brother know?

LB: You mean the bee?

DFB: Um...was he the bee? I thought he was the cricket.

LB: No, no, the cricket chirped down the water faucet two months ago.

DFB: Right you are. So how's the rhino beetle?

LB: Rhino beetle's still in the rotting tree bark. Hasn't moved.

DFB: Hush! I heard something! There's someone in the bush over there!

LB: OMIGAWD IT'S A DOG! Do you think he overheard us?

DFB: I don't know, but there's no time now! We can't let him take us prisoner! Quick! Pop your cyanide tablet!

LB: Yes, big daddy!

(They pop the cyanide and die instantly.)

Which would explain why the Bat Hawks aren't still in operation today.

Nelly rushes home and finds Isabella gone. She has eloped with Heathcliff. Kenneth's informants...er, various sources, heh heh...confirm that Heathcliff and Isabella were seen leaving Gimmerton.

When Edgar finds out, he calmly says that she went of her own accord. He says she is now his sister only in name—"not because I disown her, but because she has disowned me."

Smeyer's thoughts after reading this chapter: After reading this chapter, Missus Meyer went out and bought herself a Dayoo Sex Machine.

My thoughts after reading this chapter: Boo Hiss Hiss to Cathy for being sick and stupid and getting Nelly in trouble. Boo Hiss Hiss to Heathcliff for running off with a girl he doesn't love. Hurrah Zing Zing to Kenneth for getting all that convenient information that furthered our story along. And Hurrah Zing Zing to his informant, may he rest in peace.

In Chapter XIII: In a reprise to their rap war, Heath Crunch and Linty Fresh decide to beatbox it out.

Heathcliff: BoomboomchickapaboomboomspittlespittleboomBAM...boom.

Linton: THBBBPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Heathcliff: You're really bad at this.

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