Blogging My SparkLife Rejection

mrscooper, we applaud you for your perseverance—and we hope that publication is all you dreamed of and more!—Sparkitors

All Sparklers love reading the hilarious posts published daily on SparkLife—and we all secretly dream of getting one published ourselves. We sit at our desks and stare at our blank computer screens, basking in the imaginary fame and glory that would surely accompany a published post. Just imagine it: thousands of adoring fans reading your witty and brilliant writing online. Could anything be better?

I, like many other Sparklers, have chased that dream and sent a few contributions—but alas, my efforts have been in vain. As hard as I try, all of my submissions seem to get the thumbs down. So I decided to blog my every action, in hopes of detecting what it is that I've been doing wrong. Settle in with a warm cup of reject-sauce, and let's take a closer look at one of my failed attempts at greatness.

Day 1: While watching the thrilling Spain vs. Holland World Cup match, a thought occurrs to me: why doesn't the Unites States refer to soccer as "futbol"? I immediately rush to my computer and begin typing a rough draft of the sure-to-be-momentous "Futbol: A Far More Superior Name Than Soccer."

Day 2: My genius submission is complete! Soon, the word "soccer" will be illegal, all thanks to my moving and convincing words!

Day 3: I send my post. There is no way they will reject it! They will be in such awe of my amazing creativity that they will offer me a job as a Sparkitor and I will attend parties with the other Sparkiters and I will meet Dan Bergstein and we will be best friends and we will live in fear of my Aunt Joycie's house because she has 3 cats!

Day 7: Why haven't they replied yet? Do they love it so much that they are speechless? Or maybe there are so many other posts that they are too busy! Or maybe they are too busy watching YouTube videos of Aunt Joycie's cats?

Day 10: HOW DARE THEY REJECT IT?! My post was amazing! It was thrilling! It was romantic! It moved people to tears! (Oh wait, that was Titanic...) What did I do wrong? The people at SparkLife don't know what they're talking about! One day, when I rule the world, they will regret it! They will fall to their knees and beg for forgiveness! I shall have my revenge!

I spend the next three days plotting my elaborate revenge on the Sparkiters and vowing never to read Sparklife again—but then Thursday comes along and I can't help but read Dan's new post. SparkLife, why can't I quit you?

To all you Sparklers out there eating depression cake, keep your chins up! As Samuel Beckett said, "Ever tried, ever failed, no matter. Try again, fail again, fail better."

Related post: Writing For SparkLife FAQ