If this Sparkler were in our office, we'd hug her so hard her ribs would squeak. —Sparkitors
Dear Auntie Sparknotes,
Last December, my mom passed away completely out of the blue. It was devastating to my family. Some days I wake up and can't even bring myself to get out of bed because it hurts to know that when I sleepwalk to the kitchen for breakfast she won't be there. My father, who I never had a great relationship with (aka: he traveled so much I never saw him, and when I did, we got into screaming arguments over nothing), was also devastated.
Basically, my family broke. Into a million little awful pieces.
Then, in the middle of January, my dad started working later and later and he'd "go out" (aka: disappear for hours) on the weekend, but he never told me or my brother where he went, even if we asked. He also started going over to his work friend's (I'll call her Lisa) a lot to help her out with stuff around her house. I've met her several times, and she's a very nice person, and I have nothing against her. But I started getting a little suspicious after my dad would go to her house a few times a week, and call her (outside of work) several nights a week.
So I snooped. I looked at his phone and saw that they were having really long text conversations - but the thought of my dad dating/seeing/sleeping with someone else was too much so I didn't read any of them. Then in June, we moved into a new house since our old house had too many memories and we were all miserable in it. In the months between January and June, my dad went to Lisa's almost every weekend, disappeared during the week, and he even brought her with him to look at the house we ended up buying (before we bought it). The first night we were in the new house, I went into my dad's room looking for cleaning supplies and found his phone - and a second one I had never seen before.
So I snooped. Again. The only contact in the new phone was Lisa. The only phone calls were to Lisa. And the text messages were all to her - and they were of an uncomfortable nature. Again, I couldn't bring myself to read more than one, because I didn't want to let myself think about it.
Basically, I think my dad is sleeping with/dating Lisa. And it makes me sick to my stomach. My mom hasn't even been dead for a year; and my dad refuses to put up any pictures of her "because he can't bring himself to look at her" so obviously he's still hurting as much as I am. But I don't know what to do. I'm not sure if I want to know or not. It's killing me to think about it, but I'm afraid I may be completely wrong. I'm too scared to ask my dad, and I'm too embarrassed to talk about it with any of my friends, since no one really knows what I'm going through.
So, I'm asking you: what should I do? I don't want to keep snooping and get the wrong impression; I don't want to ask; but I can't ignore it.
This is a terrible situation, Sparkler, and I'm so, so sorry—not just for the devastating loss of your mom, but also for the way your dad has dealt with it, which basically belongs in a textbook under the heading of "How NOT to Cope With Death." He may mean well, or he may be so caught up in his own grief that he doesn't even realize what he's doing, but the way he's handling this—and his relationship with you and your brother—is pretty much the worst thing he could have possibly done. It's no wonder you're feeling torn and terrified.
But as scared as you are to talk to your dad about what's going on, you have to, because he's made it pretty clear that he's not going to open up to you on his own. So take a deep breath, steel your nerves, and ask him if you can talk.
And then, in a mature and composed way, address the following issues:
1. You know something's going on with Lisa. (You don't have to own up to snooping; it's clear from your letter that something is up, and that you knew it way before you read the text messages.)
2. The way he's been acting—disappearing when you need him, evading your questions, and refusing to come clean about what's painfully obvious to everyone around you—is hurting you and your brother.
3. You're feeling scared, alone, and completely in the dark about what's happening to your family. Things can't go on like this.
This doesn't mean that your dad will—or even should—stop seeing Lisa. It's completely natural and normal to be upset that he embarked on another relationship so soon after your mom's death (I think it's pretty awful, too), but if that's how he wants to cope, you won't get anywhere by telling him not to. But you do have a right to ask that he be present—that he be a parent, for crying out loud—because with your mom gone, you guys are supposed to be his first and most important priority. He needs to realize how much it's hurting you to have him not just dating someone, but abandoning you, disappearing, and shutting you out of his life. That's so, so wrong.
And unfortunately, the fact that your dad doesn't seem to realize how wrong it is means that you also need something else: another source of support.
It's agonizing to hear you describe how alone you are, with no friends to talk to, no counselor to guide you, and a father who seems to be doing his best to pretend that the tragedy of losing your mom never happened. You can start by talking to your brother (who you've barely mentioned‚are you close?), who is probably feeling just as frustrated and unhappy as you are. And if you don't think you can handle a solo conversation with your dad, then you can and should get your bro to talk to him with you. But you also need someone else, someone who's an adult, to help you get through this where your dad is unwilling or unable to, and to make sure you're getting the resources you need to cope with your mom's death.
So whatever you do, find that person—a clergyperson, a guidance counselor, an aunt or uncle, a friend from your old neighborhood, or anyone else who knows you (and your family) and who you can talk to. Tell him what's happening, and ask for help. You don't have to do this alone.
Good luck. And please, write back and let us know how you're doing.
Words of support for our letter-writer? You know what to do. And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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