Voldemort Is Sort of Hilarious

By Contributor

September 1, 2010

merlinsbaggiestYfronts, there's really nothing to say here except: BAHAHAHAHA —Sparkitors

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a total Harry Potter fanatic—but sometimes, I truly do wonder about that Voldemort character. He’s supposed to be the most evil and horrifying force ever to exist, but if you actually think about it, some of his scariest attributes are more hilarious than they are terror-inspiring. Here’s what I mean:

1. High-pitched, wheezy voice: He sounds like Umbridge on the verge of an ass-mar attack.

2. Baldness: I know that some villains suffer from male-pattern baldness, but I think old Voldy would have been a lot creepier with a combover, or with a hair cut like that guy from No Country For Old Men.

3. Red Eyes: Maybe he just needs some Visine. Or new contacts.

4. Black Robes: Anyone can pull off black, but it takes a true man to wear pink. End of story.

5. Age: Um, how old is Voldie? 50, 60, 100? Why are people so scared of him? They should just poke him and he’ll fall right over and break a hip.

6. Long fingers: If you ask me, he should have played the piano for a living. He also needs a manicure, like, NOW.

7. Bad-a#* reputation: Why does everyone think he's such a tough guy? He gets his Death Eaters to do all his dirty work, and he can't even protect himself from his own Killing Curse. Color me not impressed.

8. Skinnyness: Somebody, please, get this guy a Subway footlong. His only sustenance for the last 40 years has been the souls of his victims, and those don't have nearly enough calories to keep a man happy.

9. Taboo: Why is his name forbidden? Because he's scared that people are going to talk about the time he got pants'ed at Camp Canoe, that's why.

10. Name: Voldemort, Voldie, Moldie, Moldymort, Moldybutt, Baldymort, it's all pretty much the same, isn't it?

11. The ability to fly: Why walk when you can fly, that's Voldie's take on things. Which strikes me as incredibly lazy. Go on a hike, mister. Work up a sweat.

12. Bare feet: The dude needs some Converse. Now that would be bad-ass.

13. Horcruxes: It seems to me that Voldemort's Horcruxes are really just a way for him to express his latent femininity. I mean, he picks a diary, a ring, a tiara, and Daniel Radcliffe. He's basically just a really angry 13-year-old girl.

15. Glides instead of walking: Has Voldie ever tried to dance? I bet he'd do a killer Soulja Boy.

Take THAT, Baldymort! Not so scary anymore, is he?