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September Horoscopes

September Horoscopes

By Dan_Bergstein

You’re heading back to school, which makes this is a crucial month. What happens in the next four weeks will change your life and the life of your long-lost twin. (BTW: You have a long-lost twin. She’s nice, but kind of stuck up.) Read on to find out what the future holds. Or, if you hate spoilers, only read the adjectives and then you will still be surprised.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
For financial success, you must type a nine-word sentence that uses more vowels than consonants, and the sentence must deal with time travel. Over the course of the next few days it would be wise to keep your mouth away from anything sticky. Stop adding “sauce” to the end of words, or else baby birds will die. Christmas is right around the corner. No, we’re not talking about the holiday. We’re talking about someone named Christmas. Beware. This is a great month to write a song. It’s a bad month to write a musical poem. Read this with your left eye. Money will be found near the thing that is not a dog. Hold your breath when walking past mannequins. Your shoes will be more than just shoes this month. Your lucky flavor is potato. Your lucky mythical creature is the Easter Bunny.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
For financial success, write the world’s saddest sentence about cotton candy. The sentence should be six words long. Your love life will improve if you stop wearing cargo shorts, and start wearing cargo shirts. Good luck will shine down on you whenever you touch your elbows together. Now is not a good time to talk about sex or elephants. Remember that a basketball net is really just a tiny hammock with a hole in the middle. Never hold hands with someone wearing a studded belt, unless you’re crossing the street. Your lucky flavor is toast. Your lucky mythical creature is a zombie.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Evil lurks in the South. Apathy lurks in the West. Hilarity lurks in the North. And Lauren lurks in the East. Going to a salmon farm? Bring something sharp, just in case. Look for treasure in your basement. If you don’t have a basement, now you know what to ask for this holiday season. For financial success, type a sentence about a talking shark. The sentence must be twelve words in length, and you can only use the letter E once, so make it count. The sum of the digits in your phone number will equal the number of times you must say “Blast off” this month. Failure to say it the correct number of times will result in liver pain. Your lucky flavor is milk. Your lucky mythical creature is the sphinx.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Read this in less than 16 seconds, or all will be lost! Stay alert while walking past suspicious fire hydrants. When sneezing, try to sneeze three times—no more, no less. Keep you thumbs pointed inward during the evening hours. Sleep with a spoon under your pillow and you will dream of spoons, and tiny shovels. The woman carrying a baby knows what you did, as does the man carrying a hammer. There is something wicked in your backpack. Begin all paragraphs with, “Gretchen says,” and you will have an amazing month. For financial success, type a sentence that is 35 words long and deals with helmets and starfish. Your lucky flavor is burned popcorn. Your lucky mythical creature is Bigfoot.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Great things will come to you if you keep your tongue perfectly still for the next hour. Try something new, like creating a dolphin that is also a monkey. Your socks will betray before the end of the month. Say your secret crush’s name 76 times before you go to sleep tonight, and that person will fall madly in love with you. (Warning: Only works if you use a Russian accent.) For financial success, type a sentence that is only two words long. The sentence cannot be sad at all. Your lucky flavor is raisins. Your lucky mythical creature is a troll.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your locker will do something bad this month. Take back everything you’ve said about Glee. For financial success, type a sentence that is longer than five words and only uses four letters. Elevators containing more than three people are death traps and should be avoided, unless one of those people is Penelope Cruz. In the room that smells stale and has a poster of a cat on the wall, you will find love. Tomorrow, at 3 a.m., keep your eyes shut, because you won’t like what you see. The path to friendship is paved with gummy bears. The path to your nemesis is paved in celery. Your lucky flavor is plain yogurt. Your lucky mythical creature is the Cyclops.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your month will be filled with love and happiness, unless your name contains an odd number of letters, or your phone number ends in a zero. When walking the halls at school, look for a locker that is slightly dented. This locker holds many secrets, and may lead to true love. Stand by this locker until you fall in love. Trust us. It’ll be worth it. Page 218 of the first book you pick up will explain your life. For financial success, type a 15-word sentence that begins with the word “sawdust” and ends with the word “tentacle.” Your lucky flavor is beans. Your lucky mythical creature is the kraken.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
School will be wonderful this month, but only if you wear exactly 34% more blue than you did last month. If someone asks you what time it is, he is really trying to steal your soul with magic. Run away. You should use puppets this month, but don’t use buckets. If someone asks you about your summer, tell her you’re not allowed to discuss it until after the trial. For financial success, write a sentence about the moon, but you’re not allowed to actually use the words “moon,” “lunar,” or “moon-ish orb,” and the sentence must use the word “barn.” Your lucky flavor is wet cotton. Your lucky mythical creature is the harpy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Reconsider Justin Beiber, if only for this month. The answer to all your questions about love and life can be found on page 222 of your science textbook. Your school year will end well, but first you must befriend someone who hated Inception. Tonight, you will be visited by three ghosts. They will not teach you anything about humanity because you will be too busy sleeping to notice them. You’re not using your ring finger on your left hand to its fullest potential. For financial success, type a sentence that is scary, but not too scary. The sentence must include the word “tulips.” Your lucky flavor is giraffe meat. Your lucky mythical creature is a leprechaun.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Remember: Lamps can’t feel pain, but teenaged mice can. For financial success, type a 20-word sentence about dinosaurs that ends in a question mark and contains the word “hats.”Anything that glows is evil, this month. Before going to any orchard, stretch. This is a great time to buy an extension cord! Hurry! Piano music will always end in heartbreak. Flute music will always end in hunger. The next person you see wearing a Twilight shirt is a liar. Your lucky flavor is copper. Your lucky mythical creature is the banshee.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Someone you sit next to has a really creepy crush on you. Think about changing seats, or start covering up your sexy, sexy ears when you sit next to this weirdo. The closet contains many secrets, and spiders. You will not finish this sentence without thinking about walruses. For financial success, write an 11-word sentence about quicksand that contains the word “optometrist.” Spiral-bound notebooks will cause you much pain. If your teacher has a moustache, that’s good. If your teacher has two moustaches, that’s better. Your lucky flavor is oats. Your lucky mythical creature is the griffin.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
For financial success, you must type a six-word sentence on the topic of lemons. One of the words in the sentence must be “drawbridge.” An online friend will deceive you with words. He will also deceive you with colors and links to funny videos. Sniff something that smells like strawberry in the next 22 minutes, and you will not die this month. The next person to use the pencil sharpener will fall madly in love with you. Walk with your back to Russia, or else bad things will happen to your fingers. Page 333 of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire contains a secret message that will make perfect sense when read loudly. If you don’t understand the message, read again, but louder. Do not look at anyone else’s toes for the next three days. You will not sew, saw, or sue anything this month. Your lucky flavor is eggs. Your lucky mythical creature is the centaur.

Leave your lucky sentences in the comments!

Related post: August Horoscopes

Topics: Life
Tags: horoscopes, mythical creatures

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