7 Things Never to Text Your Crush
Over the course of human history, texting has always been the preferred way for lovestruck young people to flirtatiously interact with their would-be crushes—dating all the way back to the days of early man, when teenage neanderthals sent text messages complimenting each other's mammoth-hunting skills, finger paintings, and exceptionally overlarge foreheads. But if you think that texting your crush is (heh) so easy a caveman could do it, think again. Because texting your crush has rules—and for every burning prehistoric love spawned through early SMS messaging, there were hundreds of less-fortunate texters who failed to observe proper crush-texting etiquette and then suffered such horrific humiliation that nobody would text, date, or mate with them ever again.
Which, of course, eventually caused the extinction of the entire caveman species.
Yes it did.
So, to guarantee that the human race continues to reign supreme on our planet, please follow your Sparkitors' advice and watch out for any texting faux pas like...
When your crush asks what you're up to, don't reply with an uninformative convo-killer like "nothin" or "bored." It's soooo boring.
Similarly, when your crush asks what you're up to, an overeager spill of info that takes up three separate texts will probably frighten her away. You don't have to tell her that you ate some noodles and gave your cat a flea bath AND heard that your English teacher had to have her spleen removed after getting kicked by a runaway mule deer at the Six Flags Wild Kingdom. Just pick one.
The Parental Thrombosis
The prying eyes of middle-aged moms and dads may be seeing your flirty missives, leading us to reason #4,771 why you should never send your crush a picture of your nude butt.
The Echo Chamber
If your first text goes un-responded-to, wait several hours and then send one followup message. Do not flood your crush's inbox with message after message saying, "Helloooooo?," "Are u there?!," "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME," or "I have your cat and if u don't text me back I am going to kill him with fire KTHXBAI."
The Death Grip
The convo has to stop sometime, y'all. So when you're saying goodbye, just say it—and then stop texting. Do not send ten different versions of "see ya" followed by five smileys followed by another "ok byeeeee!" (Trust us, it won't make you feel better.)
The Finger Flub
If you're using auto-correct or predictive text software, double-check what you've written before you hit Send—or be ready to explain why, when you meant to say that you just got Heroes on DVD, you instead ended up hitting your crush with the thrilling news that you "just got herpes on HPV!"
Never, ever tell your crush that you have to poop, just pooped, or—holy mother of all unspeakable horrors—are pooping right this minute. EVER.
What's your take on text etiquette?
Related post: My Rules of Texting