Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 10
Chapter Ten: Why Didn't I Just Walk Away? Oh Right, Because I'm an Idiot.
Bella's Title: Delicate Delicateness
Dear Bella Swan-Cullen,
You don't know me, but I wanted to wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy. You are brilliant and wise, and the way you defy logic is admirable. I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering, but belief in magic will surely get you through this difficult time.
At first, I was a bit worried. Edward said, and Dr. Cullen agreed, that the child in your belly will kill you. And they had good reason to be concerned. The baby, while only a month old, is already bruising your stomach and destroying your body. Your belly looks gross. Jacob describes you as looking like a zombie. You're not in good shape. And I was about to write you a letter encouraging you to listen to science and facts.
But then I read your reasons for keeping the baby, and now all my fears are at rest. When you told Jacob that you would survive because you felt magical and lovely, I knew you made the right decision. And you've encouraged me to do the same.
Recently my tooth has been causing some mild discomfort. I was about to make an appointment with the dentist, when I passed out from the pain. During this nap, I had a dream in which my tooth was healthy and perfect. When I awoke, I realized that the dream was trying to send me a message. My tooth didn't need to be looked at by a "professional." My tooth was going to be fine, thanks to dreams and magic.
Thank you, my sage, for showing me the way to a healthy lifestyle.
You are my life now,
Optimus Beyonce would make a lovely name for a boy or a girl.
It wasn't easy writing that letter with my sarcasm hand raised above my head so high that skin began stretching and cracking in my armpit.
This chapter is frustrating for a variety of reason. First, Bella tells Jacob that she will have this baby because she believes in magic and has a warm fuzzy feeling that everything will work out in the end.
I can understand that a mother-to-be would feel protective of her child. But Bella's reason is hilarious. Magic? Really? She tells Jacob that he needn't worry about her health because she feels magical. She even had a dream about the child, so there's nothing to worry about.
If dreams came true, then I would be stuck inside a giant circus tent, covered in grape juice and unable to find my shoes. That's the dream I had last night. According to Bella-logic, I should be engulfed in a circus tent while shoeless and drowning in grape juice any minute now. So I better make this quick.
After some prying from Jacob, Bella reveals her ultimate plan: She knows she will die giving birth to Optimus Beyonce, but she hopes Carlisle will transform her into a vampire at the last possible moment, thus saving her life. He's done the same thing for Rosalie, Esme, and Emmett. He hates to see humans die, and both Jacob and Bella agree that Carlisle is the nicest man in all the land.
If Carlisle is so great, why does he let anyone die, from his patients at the hospital to the poor Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a little boy with dreams of one day being an astronaut, not knowing that instead of becoming an astronaut, he would become vampire pee. Since Carlisle just stands around letting this happen, I won't be throwing him a parade any time soon. I am throwing a parade for Batman, but this is less a parade than it is me walking down the street screaming, "Batman is good!" while shaking a tambourine and holding a 75-foot Garfield balloon. (The giant-balloon store was out of Batmans.)
Jacob and Bella chit-chat for while, while the rest of the Cullens hang out outside. I always like when Jake and Bella talk, and there are a few moments of real friendship popping up in the conversation, but once the small-talk is out of the way, the conversation goes down hill, across the river, up the hill, and down another, more ridiculous hill.
Bella explains her magical reasons for keeping the baby, and Jacob tries to use common sense to change her mind.
Once again, I will not discuss abortion. So instead, here is a poem I wrote about Choo Choo Trains.
Choo Choo Trains
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
If I were a train conductor
And someone asked, "What do you do for a living?"
I would say,
"I tame giant robotic snakes."
And I wouldn't be lying.
Back to the story. Bella and Jacob don't see eye-to-eye, and when Jacob proposes Edward's Guide for a Better Marriage, Bella balks at the idea. Can you blame her? Edward wants Jacob to sleep with his wife. That makes less sense than my new invention: Edible handcuffs! I call them Shnackles: The Shackles that taste OK! (I need a better tag line and probably better flavors. Currently it comes in Lime, Carrot, and Milky Beef.)
Defeated, and pissed, Jacob leaves Bella, once again saying it's the last time he will see her. Fat chance. Jake could have added, "And I will only eat one pizza bagel from the box." In the past few books, Jacob has left Bella about 67 times. Each time he comes crawling back. It's one of the few things I hate about Jacob. I also hate that he doesn't friend me on Facebook. (I think it would be too forward of me to friend him first.)
Wait! Maybe he did friend me while I was typing this! Nope. He didn't. Neither did Oprah. [Dan wipes single tear from his amazing cheek]
Outside the Cullen house, Jacob peels off his tight denim shorts, showing us every angle of his toned body, the curve of his bicep looking like a roller coaster track that eyes, and perhaps fingers, cannot help but ride…um…GIRLS HAVE BOOBS AND I LIKE BOOBS!
He transforms into a wolf, and his mind is met with anxious reactions from the other wolves. Jacob's mind-thoughts are shared with the pack, and soon everyone knows that Bella is knocked up with the fetus that is killing her. The wolves all meet at Jake's house and a few sentences later, I threw the book across the room, picked it up, shoved it down the stairs, and then kicked it while screaming, "I trusted you! I brought you into my room, where I sleep! I held you in my arms! Why must you treat me this way!" Then I walked outside and went to my Thinking Lake.
This chapter is where Stephenie Meyer must have thrown her head back and laughed, "Screw it!" This section is hilarious and awful. It's so forced and contrived. The characters are only acting this way because Ms. Meyer is bored and needed villains before her book became as empty as my ghost-catching jar. (Note: Ghosts cannot be contained in jars, even sticky jars that still have some applesauce chunks lining the bottom.)
Out of nowhere, Sam Uley turns into Darth Uley. He ignores his own character traits. He is no longer a strong leader and level-headed warrior. Instead, he becomes evil for no other reason than the fact that Stephenie Meyer hates me.
Sam, leader of the werewolves, wants to kill the Cullens. All of them. Even Bella. He's worried about this creature dwelling in Bella's belly. It could be some sort of super-vampire that will wipe out the entire town.
Mere pages ago, Sam told everyone that if the Cullens broke the treaty and turned Bella into a vampire it was no big deal. He trusted the Cullens. But upon learning that Bella is preggers, he's ready to kill everyone, including Bella?!
Don't get me wrong, I think the Cullens should all die (except Emmett). But there are much better reasons to slay the vampires than Bella's pregnancy. Such as.
1. The Cullens let people die in Italy.
2. They steal cars in Italy and think stealing is fun.
3. They probably don't pay taxes.
5. They have, at one time or another, killed innocent humans beings, and their only punishment for these crimes is immortality, beauty, and great wealth.
6. It would end this book.
7. It would make me happy.
8. They are boring and I hate them.
9. They treat Bella like a queen, despite the fact that she has not done one nice thing for anyone except for make dinners for Charlie. (Can you name one nice thing Bella has done? If so, you win 50 Dan Points.)
10. It's the end of August and there's nothing else to do.
Those would be legitimate reasons to kill the Cullens. But to have Sam flip out because Bella is knocked-up had me laughing with anger. Why did Ms. Meyer suddenly make the werewolves the "bad guys"?
Jacob is on my side. He thinks Sam is crazy. Why would Sam care that Bella is pregnant? Sure, there's a chance that the baby is an evil demon. Fair enough. But even Sammy agrees that the baby might be fine. Though he's worried that if the baby is fine, it would still be a newborn vampire, and that cannot happen.
Stop the Robotic Snake.
Sam didn't care that Bella was going to be a newborn vampire, so why does he care about Optimus Beyonce being a newborn vampire? Answer me! For reasons too ridiculous to discuss further, Sam orders his wolf pack to kill the Cullens (all of them, even Bella and Optimus) tonight.
I'm glad that the fight is finally going to happen, but I would have preferred the fight to be about something rational. I guess asking for Twilight to be rational is like asking the ground to be the sky. Choo Choo.
Murmurs: 1 (book total: 21)
Mutters: 2 (book total: 15)
Jacob returns to try and talk some sense into Bella one last time.
JACOB: Bella, you have to run away. The werewolves are coming to kill you…and why are you drinking mercury? Mercury is highly toxic!
BELLA: I know it is, silly. But I had this dream in which I drank mercury and nothing bad happened. So…
JACOB: You're a lunatic. Anyway, you must leave. NOW!
BELLA: No. The werewolves won't hurt me. I had a dream that the werewolves would come to the door, and give me a giant ice cream cake, and then a flying hippo would carry me to a fairy land where I shall live the rest of my days.
JACOB: But that was just a dream.
BELLA: What should I wear when riding a flying hippopotamus? I'm thinking jeans, but I don't want to show up to the fairy land looking like a bum.
JACOB: There is no flying hippo. You're not going to Fairy Land. You are going to die. The wolves are coming.
BELLA: Not according to my dream. And I have a feeling in my right leg that tells me the flying hippo should be arriving soon.
JACOB: That magic feeling is just your leg falling asleep because you're sitting on it.
BELLA: No. Pretty sure it's magic. Fairy Land is going to be wonderful!
JACOB: Bella, why are you lighting your hair on fire?
BELLA: I have this feeling, deep inside my heart, that lighting my hair on fire will result in me being a famous movie star.
BELLA: Hush. Hush. A woman knows these things. You wouldn't understand. It's called women's intuition. And when a woman has a feeling that lighting her hair on fire will result in becoming a movie star, she knows best. Screw the doctors. They don't know everything.
JACOB: I'm going away now.
BELLA: Before you go, can you give me the scissors? Something tells me that if I jam the scissors into my ear, candy will pop out of my belly button, and I'm ever so hungry.
JACOB: No. I refuse to help you in this—
ROSE: Here Bella. Let me get those scissors for you.
Can't get enough of Bella's crazysauce? Catch up on Dan's other Breaking Dawn posts here!