Search Menu
Menu

The Ellie Report: Taylor Swift Needs To Listen to More Jay-Z

The Ellie Report: Taylor Swift Needs To Listen to More Jay-Z

Dang, ellielikespie, we totally thought the answer to your first question was going to be "Chelsea Dagger." Oh well. There's always next time.—Sparkitors

What do you get when you cross time-worn clichés, a fairy princess, and a curling iron?

Taylor Swift, of course!

I've done Bieber and I've done Perry; now, it's time fo' some Taylor. She's become a gazillionaire by showing off her glittery guitar in the world of faux-country music, she's won the adoration of millions of teenage girls with her catchy, self-written tunes, and she's made the unsuspecting public think that it's totally okay to passive-aggressively stalk ex-boyfriends (and I guess I mostly agree). Best of all, for a few shining weeks, Taylor Launter's abs basically BELONGED to her. She has it all—including a new song called Mine. I've taken it upon myself to test drive it for you. Put on your seat belts—it's going to be a real swift ride. (Pardon me while I high-five myself for that one.)

0:00: Surely Taylor Swift wouldn't put out ANOTHER song about overcoming her fears and finally finding her Prince Charming—that would be ridiculous. This one will be about sticking it to the man, or maybe her desire to become the head of a pancake conglomerate, I just KNOW it.

0:13: This is starting off like EVERY OTHER song she's ever written, but I'm sure that any moment now, Slash is gonna kick the screen off my iPod and blow me away with a sick guitar riff.

0:32: She's talking about a sweet guy and being afraid of love.  But I'm sure, I'm SURE, that this is all just a teaser to make it infinitely more amazing when Slash gets here.

0:53: The chorus is halfway through and I'm officially pissed. No man-sticking. No pancakes. No Slash. Just blondie and her boy problems. Jay-Z had 99 problems, but a girl wasn't one. Taylor should take a leaf out of his book.

1:03: He "made a rebel" of her? I find that hard to believe. What was her act of rebellion? Not distributing the glitter fairly among her pixies? Accidentally tipping a waiter 15% instead of 20? She's TAYLOR SWIFT! If Slash were here, HE could talk about rebellion. They have the same hairdo, and at least his curly mane is unkempt and might be housing several small animals. Now THAT's rock 'n roll.

1:31: I don't care if this is just a song: multi-millionaires are never allowed to talk to me about having bills to pay. I just filled up the gas tank on my "2-miles-to-the-gallon" SUV, while my soul quietly died.

1:45: Obviously I need to set my expectations a little lower when I listen to pop music. At least she's consistent...consistently boring. *drum-drum-cymbal*

*Pushes Pause*

Ellie's Conscience: Ellie, that joke was way too easy, and only marginally funny.
Ellie: I know. But the people on Sparknotes are my friends, so they won't mind.
Ellie's Conscience: Whatever you say, dummy. By the way, what do you call a girl who writes her inner-monologue as a third person conversation with her conscience?
Ellie: A tool.
Ellie's Conscience: *Insightful Stare*
Ellie: Touché.

-Pushes Play-

2:29: Why must fights in songs always occur in the middle of a darkened street? Just once, I want a singer to say that she got into a fight with her boyfriend while sitting in the Taco Bell drive-thru and eating nachos.

3:00: I bet my chicken salad sandwich and sister's college fund that this music video will feature Taylor twirling in a white dress. Where do you wanna start the bidding? 50 bucks? Do I see 55?

3:41: Bad news: I think I may have actually liked that song. I feel guilty. And a little dirty. Now I have to find a Van Halen album to wash off the T Sweezey residue. I MUST REGAIN MY COOLNESS.

Ellie's Conscience: Ellie, you're about as cool as a '77 Trans Am.
Ellie: Shut up.

'77 Trans Ams are our FAVORITE. T Sweezey? Not so much. What do you guys think?

Related post: Read more of the Ellie Report series right HERE!

Topics: Music, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: taylor swift, music, musicians, pop music, taylor lautner, pop stars, country music, the ellie report

Write your own comment!